It's funny how you can watch a movie and be so moved. Sometimes movies are just okay. They cause emotional stirring, anger, excitement, fear, making your heart skip a beat or laughter spill from your lips. When the movie is over, though, that's it. You leave the theater or get up from the sofa, and nothing changes. It failed to 'move' you. You were entertained. Nothing changed though. The earth didn't shatter; your world view was unchanged; your feet unmoved to alter society or the universe. Today I watched a movie that changed how I have been grieving.
The movie is called "Cake" and stars Jennifer Aniston and Anna Kendrick, among other notable folks. The main character has suffered a debilitating accident in which her kindergarten age child died and she was left crushed and reassembled, in constant pain, putting the pieces back together. She pushed everyone away in her spiral of numb, drug-hazed despair. A ghost of a support-group peer who recently died of suicide haunts her, talking her through her own suicidal thoughts. The main character lives surrounded by her late son's belongings, but desperately wants to escape everything about her life. She comes to grips with the fact that the world keeps turning by learning to understand what happens to others when we check out.
Since losing my own children to my own failures as a parent, I have avoided and suppressed, and generally felt ashamed, though trying not to, for the circumstances surrounding the events even though they were out of my control. It's unfortunate that American society does this to parents. First to remove children from a parent without offering the tools to repair their brokenness (which, by the way, studies overwhelmingly prove improve the outcome of abuse or neglect cases - just type "negative effects of removing children from parents" into your trusty Google search bar and read a few studies), then shame them forever when they try to reintegrate themselves into society with explanations of just what actually happened. We are destined to be pariahs, though. Americans don't believe in change. Americans believe that if the government steps in, obviously the people are definitely wrong about whatever it was that made the government step in. This is, of course, not the case when one gets a speeding ticket, as it was clearly the fault of the overbearing officer and not the person who was doing 110 through a school zone. That, the general consensus believes, is the fault of the terrible officer. We all behave when they watch, don't we? A society of double standards. The government can only do good when it comes to protecting children, but we are so afraid that they might come for yours. Sure, call on everyone who does anything not aligning with our personal view of 'good parenting' but if anyone calls on you, you'll have their head on a platter. The resentment is so severe that it will sever (see what I did there?) relationships forever. It's never their fault, but the fault belongs to anyone who lost when they went up against the government. That's exactly what this is, though. Going up against the government. The free representation provided to anyone who tangles with the government is paid by the government to manage the parents they deem unworthy. Side note: The government deems all parents unworthy. This might be a newsflash to some, but if we didn't have those pesky fire arms, they could easily take away all the children from the people who don't agree with their agenda and raise them to believe whatever they want.
Back to the movie, I watched the movie and cried through the whole thing. Not just those polite quiet tears that you can stifle, but the re-opening of wounds, the sick to your stomach, choking in your throat kind of crying that makes my face splotchy and red. I felt the anger, shame, horror, welling up like an ocean I was trying to hold back, from the depths of my core and pushing against my throat. The whole movie made my emotions move and change. Well, that would be why I'm writing a blog post right now, sharing my soul with the internet world. I strongly suggest watching this movie to acquaint yourself with loss and what it does to those around you. I strongly suggest that everyone on this lovely planet come to the realization that loss comes in many forms, and the feelings that one should 'get over it' are absolutely wrong. It will happen on its own. Our grief encompasses more than just the initial loss. It also incorporates into its black-hole grip the year beyond, the first birthday, or the first set of holidays without the person you love. For me, there are birthdays scattered around the year; then the loss of my terribly demented mother (she was still the only mom I had, though) who caused so much of the grief in my life; every time I see or hear a child, my heart breaks; every time I see a mother with her grown children, my soul aches deeply. I am at the point of saying to people, 'no, I don't have children.' It's just too painful to explain and be judged every time I say something. Please know this is terror absolute. To have a government take away your child and place them with the family that abused you, and be reminded daily of it. It's terror.
