please weigh in!

So you all know how frustrated I've been. Now comes a question. Not a really huge question, but a worthy one nonetheless:
Am I being too patient? If so, with what? If not, what needs more?
Am I too much of a push-over? Why/why not?

Today I was 10 minutes late in texting J on my way out of work because I stayed 10 minutes late. As it turns out, a mistake I made cost the company $100,000. They didn't directly 'blame' me, but all the eye contact was uncomfortable. Anyway, so he calls me as the meeting adjourns, and asks if I'm mad at him. Not yet, so I say no. We talk a bit. I tell him that I want him to help me make money because we are drowning and I can't do it alone. He says, "I don't know what to say." I respond with, "I told you I need help with things that you're good at and you tell me you don't know what to say?" I tell him that I need him to do something that makes money. Anything. I started a cleaning business for him to work, and then he had surgery so now he can't. I asked him to do a work-from-home job, and he wont. He sleeps all day and watches youtube. Judge Judy no less. Sure, the dishes are done, sometimes he cooks,  he gets up and does community service on his feet 4 hours a day, and manages to sit up on the couch long enough to watch 15 episodes of whatever tv show is now airing on netflix or youtube. am i being impatient? I don't know if I'm over-reacting or under-reacting. Please weigh in and let me know what you would do!

this week

So much is happening lately, it's kind of crazy.
I have been praying a lot for the kids on so many levels. Finding forgiveness, being happy, etc. I pray for them to figure out their emotions and not have so many meltdowns. They keep fighting with each other and S is the one getting the brunt of it. He is acting out at school, fighting everything the teacher asks him to do. E is beating on S frequently and has been a general prankster. It hurts to hear that they are acting out like this.
   The social worker went to my brother and asked him if he had meddled with me when we were children. He laughed said no, so they said, 'ok.' I wonder how things would go if they did that with every accused molester.
   Yesterday I received my packed for the boys I sponsored through World Vision. I'm pretty excited to have pictures and information. The younger boy's birthday is on S's birthday, so I plan to get a little package together to send.
   I made a little bunny for each of the girls. They loved them! It's basically a wash cloth tied & sewn twice. I plan to make a bunch more and give them as baby gifts (yes, a cousin is going to get one for her very-soon-to-be-born son!). They only take a couple of hours to make, and the pediatrician says you're supposed to expose children to different fibers to prevent them from having allergies, so I'm going to make them out of alpaca yarn with wool filling. Pretty excited to have something I can actually accomplish in a short period of time that is actually cute & useful.
Oh ok, I have to go bake cookies.

changed the settings again

I think I got it right. It wasn't supposed to send the whole post in an email, I was hoping it would send an email to let you know that the post was here to read. Well, maybe this will work! Of course, maybe penguins will turn to bears and elephants will fly...

My weekend

The weekend for me is Thursday & Friday, don't get too confused. I accomplished quite a bit this 'weekend.' It was nice, although my frustration level is through the roof with my husband.
So I took the cardboard bolt-holders my friend A gave me, and ironed, organized and rolled all of my large fabric pieces onto those. Then I put all of my sewing patterns onto one shelf, hung another shelf in the living room, put some books on it, then baked 3 or 4 dozen cookies (they turned out really weird for some reason, don't know why), re-covered 2 living room pillows, cleaned the bathroom, cut up 3 heads of lettuce, went to a loan closing (yay!), ironed a bunch of shirts, put away clean laundry, signed up to sell It Works! wraps & products, made a commission with it, packed up some stuff in the desert, knitted two stuffed bunnies, and organized and cleaned out my jewelry collection which helped me discover that a lot of it has been broken by toddlers, and the rest of it is in dire need of polishing.
I feel like all I did was work all weekend. No rest. My dear husband just sat and watched youtube for both days. I mean, Judge Judy re-runs on youtube. It was sad and frustrating.

I hope the changes worked!

I changed this so that you would get an email when I post because I couldn't figure out how to change it so it would end up in your RSS feed. Hey, this whole blogging thing is new to me!
Thanks for reading!
Jen

treatment team meeting

Today we had the treatment team meeting, which is a meeting with all of the members who offer treatment to our family.
It began in an awkward fashion. When the people started to arrive, there was a palpable tension in the air. It probably didn't help that all of this stress makes me really emotional and the thought of not getting  my family back is overwhelming.
First the CASA rep came in.
Next came, at the same time, the case worker and one of the therapists. The case worker did not greet us, but had a sour look on her face like she was expecting us to gouge her eyes out or something. The therapist didn't greet us either, but lacked the dread.
We all went into the conference room and sat down, everything still really tense. Andrea, the case worker, started. She went around the room asking for updates on everything and giving an update on my mom, saying that she is in pretty bad shape, and starting a round of super-extreme chemo today in New York. She said that, as the eternal optimist, mom is saying how great things are going. She said they are going to have to look at alternatives for placement if we end up not trying to reunite.  I explained that 'great' to my mom is relative, normal is 30, having cancer is 70, she is excited that she's only at 7,000 instead of 8,000 because of treatments.  I was pretty upset but told them that, while I want her to get better, I don't want her to keep my kids, which is what she wants. It was all I could do to stay composed for this meeting!
Next the CASA started with S's first day of school. He refused to wipe down the table for the teacher and seems to enjoy disobeying because he has a sense of control in it. She next stated that he has visions and ideals that I am living in a hotel and my husband is not in the picture, but S and I will ride off into the sunset together.  The CASA then told us about the girls, how A got bit by another boy at daycare for the second time. The daycare worker is now coming up with alternatives because A and the boy are both dominant and, while they hold their own in a fight, they are escalating their fight for dominance. Z, on the other hand, while aggressive, loves babies, and the baby in the daycare is her dolly. She attempts to drag the baby around by the neck, pet the baby's face (which, given her lack of gentility, means gouge), and the rule is now, 'Z, don't touch the baby. you know the rules.' Z usually complies, but she just adores babies. Next week, they start preschool. I am heartbroken that I will miss it!
Next the male therapist started. He is a therapist to C, E and the family when they meet as a group. It isn't our family therapy. He started with E, how he is now playing guitar, loves to read, and is still very angry. E isn't supposed to meet with this therapist anymore because he is only a short-term guy, so E is being transferred to another therapist. E doesn't want to have anything to do with me yet, but I made it clear that I want my children, and I want to have therapy sessions with him. I'm pretty upset that he doesn't want to see me still. This therapist then told me about C, and how she still wants therapy with me. I have always been reluctant because for her, I know it would just be a session for her to vent and accuse me of things that didn't happen while I get to sit there and seem unreceptive. I have been against it, but decided to look at it from the perspective that, if I want therapy with the rest of the children, having it with C will be a gateway to prove that I want to heal the rift.
The case worker asked if I was really working for all of my kids or just the girls. I apologized for not clarifying previously and had tears in my eyes again, that my goal is for all of my children, for my family to be reunited. She then asked J the same question. He responded that he is scared to death of E and that he understands that his reactions and attitudes can't be trusted. (J just recently started on medication for his paranoia and PTSD and has been a space cadet ever since) The case worker was glad that he made that admission.
    The crux of this big meeting came down to the treatment team wanting us to be accountable for the story that the kids keep telling about the abuse. They heard ours, they heard the kids' but the reality is that the kids were traumatized by something that was likely somewhere in the middle. It varies from ours because of perspective, according to the therapists. The case worker said that they don't believe J about the abuse to C because he denies the abuse to E as well, and there is proof of that. I asked questions about what I'm supposed to be doing to get the kids back, and they said, 'that's like asking what color is round?' There is no list of where to start, which hoops to jump through, because I have a character disorder, or personality disorder. They tried to sum it up in things like how many hats I know how to wear. I am good at the three hats my parents are good at wearing: dad is funny & stoic, mom is victim and stoic. I combine them, but never learned the skills of holding my own emotions like a grown up, I just dissociated. So my job is now to work on becoming normal, with normal reactions, normal behaviors and normal normalness! Here is a list of what they told me to get started with (in therapy and with my friends, so this means you! I hope you're up to the task!)
Read Dr Young's assessment, which is just the diagnosis and explanation of the diagnosis.
Research Character disorders. Figure out what it means and how to fix it. Then do it.
The goal is to have a Permanent Meaningful Lasting Change and safe place for the kids to grow up.
Accountability for what happened, which looks like this: Here is what happened, here are the roles we all played, here is how it started, accept the responsibility for all of it.
Work on with my therapist:
cognitive strategies for memory
boundaries
connect with the discrepancies
take off the teacher/educator hat and put on the other hats. (i have to figure out what they are).
role play in therapy, with the therapist being each of the kids, and me dealing with all of their issues in turn.
Hope this works out! Feel free to help as much as you can. They say that character disorders, while inherited through the teachings of our parents, take a very long time to fix. I only have a few months.

my conversation with God

The other day, I was standing at work, as usual, trying to run through thoughts instead of getting stuck on one like I usually do. Sometimes I end up praying for the majority of my thoughts, as was the case on this day. I apologize in advance if my conversational style offends you.
"God, please give my children back. You said you would give us the desires of our hearts."
(no response.)
"Please, God, there is nothing I want more than to have my children back. Please help me!"
"What else did I say?"
(pause for thought. I wasn't expecting a response because I usually don't get them until I have a one-sided conversation for a while) "Um, you said to forgive our enemies."
"Ya."
"Ok, that's a tough one. I can forgive her for betraying me but I can't just be friends with her."
"I didn't tell you to be friends with her."
"Oh ya."
"What else?"
"Pray for my enemies." Funny how what God wants to 'talk' about comes to mind.
"Yep."
"Ok, here goes. God, please bless her and change her heart to be more like yours."
"That's a little underhanded, but it's a good prayer and a good start. You can do better."
"I'm not ready."
"I wouldn't tell you to do it if you weren't ready."
"Thanks a lot."
"You're welcome."
"Ok fine. As my Lord and in an attempt to do your will. God, please bless her and give her peace."
"I'll take it for now. What else?"
"You want me to tithe."
"You're a bit overdue."
"But I don't have enough."
"I could take away what you do have."
"Ok fine."
Next comes to mind a picture I saw a while ago of a little boy in Africa who was squatting down, crying, and nothing more than a skeleton. No tears, just thin lips in the shape of wailing, and sad eyes with the bony fingers placed on the sides of the skin-wrapped skull. I could see every rib, the sternum, and every joint pressed tightly to his skin.
"You have never truly been hungry." God whispered. My eyes welled with tears.
"I have to do something."
"Yes you do."
" I can sponsor a child."
"you can do more than that."
"Ok, I can sponsor a child for each of my children up to 10% of my income."
"It's a start."
"Alright, I will do it. You promised that you would open the floodgates of heaven if I tithe. I'm really trusting You on this. There isn't even enough money to make half of my bills this month. I trust You."
   So I went on my lunch break, used my smart phone and sponsored a little boy. They didn't have any boys to sponsor who were born on E's birthday, so I looked for the oldest boy available. He is ten, lives in rural central Mexico, and loves to do all the things my son used to love doing before all of this happened. He plays with cars, and runs errands for his family, which includes two brothers, a mother and father. His father works in agriculture which often takes him away for weeks. The boy gets mocked for being so poor. They live in a make-shift house and, though he's 10, he has never been to school. I sent him an email (it gets translated and delivered snail mail) that said I was glad to sponsor him and looked forward to hearing from him soon.
  Next I sponsored a boy who was born on S's birthday. The only one was in Africa, in a very sensitive area religiously. Most are Muslim, so I have to be really careful about what I write. I am only allowed to offer blessings and peace, nothing to do with God because it could jeopardize the entire World Vision operation in that area. The little boy doesn't get to go to school, but runs errands for his mother. He has 2 brothers, 2 sisters, a mother and father, and they live in an area where most people have AIDS. They said that my funding will go towards whatever he needs, but it made me want to sponsor the whole family since it's the same size as mine. Unfortunately that option isn't available.
  Unfortunately, I don't have enough money to sponsor 2 more kids yet, so on my next pay day, I will send a gift of two chickens and a goat to someone, which is 10% of that paycheck. I'm very excited about this! When I was about ten, my sister and I heard a presentation about sponsoring children through World Vision at our church. My mom relented at the constant begging to sponsor children, so my sister and I each got to sponsor a girl in Africa. We were not nearly as diligent as we should have been with sending the cards and stickers back, but my mom sent the money every month (it was a great deduction, and I happen to need some of those now as well). I saw pictures of the girl growing up until she married at the ripe old age of 14, as per culture in her area. At least she got nine years of education.
   I checked out other areas of the website and found that I can give gifts and get a gift back, which for me would be a talking point. I like talking about things I support, and helping people is something I'm passionate about! So I can give a gift and receive a necklace or bag that was made by one of the communities where WV is stationed, and then when people comment on the item, I can tell them all about how to get one!
   Ok, so the point here is that I had a conversation with God and He told me to do what He says to and then watch Him do what He says He will. I'm very hopeful and have faith that He will keep His end of the bargain. The last time I tithed was several years ago. I tithed everything I received, like food stamps, income, even when I bartered for things. The giving spirit is infectious. I thought my bank account would suddenly start accruing large amounts of interest because the Bible says He will return it 100-fold. That's not really how it worked though. What I discovered was that my dollars stretched more than I could have ever dreamed. For example, I used to receive about 200 a month in food stamps, and about the same in income. I found that if I bought $20 in food and gave it to the food shelter, that $180 would last me the whole month, whereas it typically didn't even come close. I would find sales more often, and better deals just seemed to always be right in front of me. Who knows, maybe my tastes changed too! Regardless, it worked.

What to do...

What do you do when you're out of things to write about? Do you make something up?
This week was a bit long. My neighbors are night owls, and I'm not. So I go to bed, and fall asleep. Beautiful, restful, dreamy, long awaited sleep. I get in to my incredibly strange dreams and work on figuring them out while still sleeping. this is mental work, I tell you! Within 2-3 hours, they all decide it's time to go to partay!!! They happily stagger across the noisy gravel to their chariot. Open & slam the groaning doors, giggling and cackling, then whip the beast into a pur (turn the key), which isn't loud but I'm already up, ready to start screaming from the window that some people around here aren't vampires, then they drive around the backside of the building which is under my windows. Wouldn't be so bad if the windows were closed, but it's 400 degrees inside so i leave them open. Then to add insult to fatigue, 15 minutes before my alarm goes off at 4:50, the kamikaze paperboy careens through the same path at 20 miles per minute, skidding and throwing newspapers at doors and gravel at the fence and cars sleepily dozing in their carports. Dude is horrifyingly reckless. We were running in the mornings, but he tries to run is down and circles around to make a second pass, then he ran over a kitten last week. Well, in all fairness, the lady across the street has 29 full grown cats, not including the fresh litter. I swear, if we ate cats, we would never go hungry in this neighborhood. So I haven't slept well this week. But that's ok, they moved my days off to Thursday/Friday instead of Fri/Sat, so i only had to work 4 days before getting a day to sleep in. I didn't get to sleep in though. I was up early, cleaning the kitchen, studying for my notary, and freezing. Yes, my crippled man forgot the cooler on last night, which he usually turns off around midnight, but it was hot last night. Well, I'm off to clean the tub so he can bathe, then I will go to work. :-) See? Boring! Any ideas?

This week

I am really enjoying the new job, and new responsibilities, but it seems like the new boss is constantly trying to re-affirm boundaries that are already estabilished. It is clear she doesn't trust me yet, but her reasons are a little strange: She seems to feel like I'm going to pull a hostile take-over or leave her out of the loop! Real insecurity issues, which is a new thing for me. She is incredibly diplomatic and forgiving, which helps! At the other job, today I got my official ID card and she asked if I will be signing up for benefits. I doubt I will, they don't cover my chiropractor, and for the same amount saved personally, I could pay for my own exams. The co-pay is still high, and they don't cover lab work until you've been with them for a year. Oh, but they cover glasses whether I get insurance or not! haha, that seems funny to me! I suppose if the kids were living at home, it would be a good idea to get insurance for them, as it is cheaper than paying out of pocket.
The new diet is becoming a strain, but I have lost 4-7 lbs (depending on what time of day I weigh).
I don't 'see' any results. This is frustrating. I know it will come, though. I am just eating healthy food 80% of the time and indulging in that 20% on a smaller, healthier scale. My version of unhealthy has become a scoop of ice cream instead of a bowl, an extra tablespoon of peanut butter with my celery, a glass of wine after dinner to ensure that I will sleep through the neighbor's party. I have stopped almost all of the gluten, all of the coffee, all of the eggs, and all of the nightshades. Combine that with my current restrictions of trying to not gain any more weight (i don't really care if i lose weight, i just don't want to gain any more), and you have quite a limited selection for eating. Lots of fruit, veggies, some rice, some meat (which we can't afford anyway). All the spice & season out of mexican food basically leaves tamales, which I loathe. Pasta in gluten free? Is there anything worse? And without garlic bread? What is the world coming to when an Italian-raised girl can't have half a loaf of garlic bread with her 4 cups of pasta for dinner?
I keep having this mental loop run through my head about my sister. She came to visit in the winter, here to CO, but never called while she was here. She stayed with my mom and visited my children. When she came for previous visits, she always made a point to leave my mom's company and go visit her friends. After she left, she sent a text to me saying she loved and missed me. I was told she was here for a week, but that isn't confirmed. She has had no contact with me and doesn't try to call. On my birthday, she sent a text saying she loved and missed me and happy birthday. I wish she wouldn't write at all anymore, it just makes me think about how little of a relationship we actually have. I have a closer relationship with my kitchen table than I do with her, and I don't even eat with my table, it just sits quietly in the corner, holding up my plants. Do you think I should do anything about this or just let it go?

counseling session - actually interesting

Last night, J & I slept in the desert with the dogs. It was an interesting experience because he had his foot surgery and was still in a cast-like brace. Dogs, as we all know, aren't exactly delicate creatures, I was a bit worried that this was his version of over-doing it. He doesn't want help with anything, which is going to be a bit of a problem with him gimping around on crutches. I am thoroughly enjoying the vulnerability, which sounds sick & wrong, but I have a reason. He is always so independent and strong,  I have to tell him how appreciative I am of the changes as soon as he wakes up. The drugs make him a bit tired, and the look of the 3 big incisions makes me queasy! Glad I never finished that radiology thing...I would have passed out at the sight of every patient! 

Oh right yes, anyway, so back to all things relevant. Out in the desert, we decided to sleep on the deck because it has been really beautiful. We had to pull the mattress out onto the deck, which is a big deal because he can't and it's quite cumbersome for me. He pushed, I steered, it was humorous. Got the bed all set up, he got settled, and the dog pounced all over him with elation and hurt his foot repeatedly. We watched a movie on the laptop, then watched the fireworks all over town (we have a view of the entire town, end to end), and then watched shooting stars whiz across the eastern sky. It was a beautiful night with an immense full moon that would have kept me up all night had it not been for the heavy blanket I pulled over my head, which was a good idea because there was one mosquito who apparently didn't find me appetizing enough to make it through the blanket, and the dogs thinking my space was in fact theirs so they kept pushing me around. In other words, I didn't sleep well, but I had a wonderful evening. Getting the mattress back into the house, I told J to not bother helping because I was tired of him over-exerting himself to the point of swollen toes, so I ended up wobbling and hobbling that horribly large thing back into the house with a chuckling husband to keep watch. He finally asked, 'Do I look that silly when I move it?' I, of course, stroked that fragile one-legged ego with a coy smile, batting eyelashes and, 'Of course not, love.' 

Back home, I had counseling in the morning which I was grateful for. This counselor I think is at a loss for what to do with me because neither of us know what the goals are for the sessions. However lost we are, though, we still manage to come up with goals and I give as much feedback as possible for how things are going. After my hormonal explosion last week, I explained all to her and included the doctor visit so that I could get myself back together. She asked what I would like to work on next, and I told her that I can't make decisions. How will I know when being assertive is the right move? I always feel like everyone is thinking circles around me while I manage to squeeze out one little thought. She wrote out the process for coming to conclusions and thinking through problems, which I can't tell you how immensely helpful that is because I get stuck on that all the time! 

Here is the list with the points where I get stuck inserted in parenthesis: 

1. Summarize what you're being asked to do (this doesn't often occur in reality, but whatever)

2. Give yourself time to think about it (I usually do this - I procrastinate until I have no options left)

3. Write down the options - all of them.

4. Take each option 1 at a time and consider the pros & cons. (I usually just pick the problem, and write the pros & cons for the problem, not the options. I usually get stuck because I feel like I'm missing something, then I abandon the effort)

5. Review the list. 

6. Take a break - go for a walk, take a nap, watch a movie, do something to either distract yourself or think about it in another setting (I love this step, but never make it to the next one)

7. Come back to it - set a timer! (I just don't like this step, so I never get to it. Forget about the problem, procrastinate, whatever)

 -   Don't forget to check in with others, but the problem is that I usually present my problem to everyone until they tell me what to do because then I am not technically liable for my own decisions. It's a problem, just in case you couldn't tell. :-) So I look forward to actually doing these things! 

(drum roll) my birthday

Gratefully it went off without a hitch. I didn't want a lot of attention, so I only told a couple of people, and even facebook doesn't know when it really is. Had the weather been what it is now (stormy, lightening & thunder making music in the gloomy sky), it would have been the only thing possible to make the day better! First I went to work with the 'nothing can get me down' attitude. I expected to have a lot of bumps in the road being that I typically get the obligatory yet reluctant wishes from the family I don't want to hear from. Since I hadn't received them by 8am, I thought I was in the clear. Then I got one from my mom, a simple text message. I wanted to write back with, 'You got it wrong. It's 'happy birthday, sociopath.' or something chiding. The reason she sent it in the first place was for herself anyway, so any response or lack thereof would just be a call for sympathy for herself, and thus I deemed it unworthy of my attention and moved on. Next I got a job offer from my current company. It came with a .50 cent raise, which is more than normal, and a positive employment review. I told them I would think about it just to savor the moment. After work, I went to my other job where we went over details for moving the office this weekend and how we're going to step it up and make a lot of money. It puts me in a strange position though. I want to stay where the money is steady, but the opportunity for making a LOT more money is on the table if I can give it a bit more time. Interesting problem...haha. So after that I got to see my son for a while, we made a plaster cast of his hand for me to hang on the wall. It is very crumbly, so I have to find something to put on it to seal it, I suppose. He made it pink cause it's for me! (aw!) His hands were dyed pink too, though, which was just funny. After the visit, my brother said happy birthday which made me want to throw up and cry. I cried, but it felt so good to let it out for once. I feel like my delicately constructed patina is beginning to crack, which may not be a bad thing, as I mentioned yesterday. It seems more so today, but I'll have to explain later. After that, I went home, still stuffy and red, and got a call from the only person I hadn't spoken with but wanted to so desperately, and it was so refreshing! Then my husband who drives me up the wall most of the time presented me with gifts from bath & body works and we went out for a drink. We wanted to go to main street, but discovered that our children were there for farmers market (Side note: the reason we don't go anywhere is because my brother takes them everywhere, every day of the week. We can't go to parks because he rotates parks every week and I don't know when; he goes to the farmers market, the pool, etc, so we have to avoid those places due to the restraining order). We found a mexican restaurant with a bar and stopped in. The guy made me a margarita that was a LOT more powerful than your standard, and I couldn't finish it! We made our way home where my husband put P&P on (we talked of loving the works of dead authors, and what would that look like in a greek word, hence the posts on facebook), and I fell asleep before Mr. Collins made his debut. I woke up at the end of the first disc, so I know it was late. It was almost 9 pm when we started it, and I'm normally in bed before 8, so I was wiped out! Having given up caffeine, nightshades and gluten yesterday as well, it was odd to find things I could have without craving everything I can't! MMMMM, french fries, cake, banana bread, .....haha

went to see the doctor

So, you know I have been going completely nuts lately, so I decided that I couldn't handle it and went to the doctor. Well, kinesiologist. I have been having a lot of joint problems, hormonal issues, concentration, I have strange allergies, my hair is falling out, my nails are brittle, my skin is dry and oily, my face broke out like a teenager, and I'm really tired all the time. I don't really get sick often, though. When I showed up there, the doctor asked me a few questions about things I wasn't connecting. Then he adjusted my back and told me things about my organ function, like my spleen was over-worked, as are my adrenal glands. The constant coffee influx was taxing my adrenals, but the spleen was interesting, I don't know why that wasn't working right. He said the breakouts are a secondary response to my liver & kidneys not filtering well enough. Once I get everything else put back in order, then it should clear up my face & neck. The supplements I was taking were apparently too old to work right, which was part of the problem. I cut the coffee immediately and started on a new supplement, the result of which was great - no headache, no fatigue, I was surprised. I don't know about emotional outbursts yet, we will see. He also said I was fighting a bacteria that causes joint pain and he gave me something for my nails, hair and hormonal problems although there didn't seem to be anything askew with my hormone-regulating systems. It just seemed a bit enigmatic to me, but hopefully I can get it solved medically. If not, it means I can't keep this facade up for much longer, and will cry like a baby at the drop of a hat. :-)

A slice of normal pie?

AS IF that were possible! Nothing is normal around here. Here is a rundown of recent events:
My mom's cancer is progressing at a rate considered slow for such an aggressive cancer. A little education: When you get a CA125 test, your level should be under 70 if you are normal. She is excited that hers is only 4500 instead of the projected 6000. That means it's likely that the drugs are working. If she lives 4 years, she will surprise all of medical science. I reckon she will make it 8 because she has to be #1. At that rate, she will be the ONLY one with this kind of cancer to survive that long, but lets not bother with details. I was blessed to receive this information about her through my dear cousin (thank you for going through the stresses of dealing with her to keep me informed), since my mother blocked me from all contact (even facebook). Much like she used my mistakes from 21 years ago against me, I will share the information of her current health status with the people to whom it matters. I don't think it is cruel, as she set the standard a long time ago. I, however, will not stoop to the depths of sharing falsehoods as she has.
 My husband's surgery was moved to the 30th of July. The anesthesiologist had stayed very late on another surgery, so they sent him home to sleep. I'm grateful that they did so he didn't fall asleep during the surgery. They are reconstructing his good ankle in the hopes that, 6 months from now, they can reconstruct the bad one or just amputate the foot. I have mixed feelings about being married to the one legged man. Not that we would divorce for that reason, we have several other reasons to drive each other away, why make it about a foot? No, it's just that I have weird feelings about him having one foot. I will likely get over this.
I finished making 2 dresses for the girls and I knitted a little reticule as well. I'm quite proud of actually finishing 3 things in one week!
The visits with the girls have been transitioned into therapeutic time instead of 'structured parenting time.' I don't like the therapist at all, but what choice do I have? We still meet every week, but it has been cut to 1 hour from 1.5. The therapist offers suggestions like 'touch her back to let her know you're still there.' Ok, she's looking at me, could I be reinforcing a positive behavior with touch instead of 'letting her know I'm still there?' Possible.
Our case worker bought her tv from me about a month ago while working at BB. She is one of the reasons I quit (there were a great many). The longer I keep the secret of it, the more it makes me feel like it was a conflict of interests. She stands us up for appointments, lies blatantly about us behind our backs, tells me 'off the record' things about the case that unverifiable because they're 'off the record,' and shows a general disinterest. I made an appointment with her supervisor for Friday because I am concerned and really feel like she is duplicitous - as if her goal is not to reunite the family, but to give them to my mom. I feel like her agenda is more important than the family, which is wrong. I want to ask for a list of exactly what I need to do to get my kids back.
Other than that, I have just been PMS'ing really horrifyingly bad, which comes out as a normal person instead of a passive aggressive person. I actually speak my mind like I used to. This is causing conflict with my poor husband, who is accustomed to a quiet, reserved, let him make his own mistakes and suffer the consequences wife. I know, right? Me? Whodathunk!! I have been beaten into submission by men to the point of only returning to normal when the hormonal imbalance reaches 'homicidal fury' in normal women. Oh, and because of the hormones, I am going vegetarian until they calm down a bit. It's just too much when I can't control it.
I have been going to counseling and learning tricks on how to be a more assertive person without coming across as the flag-ship enterprise of women's hormonal issues. Instead of attacks, I re-phrase the statements as 'I feel' instead of 'you jerk!' I hope it helps. (giggles silently)

Professional Clothes

I went to the Goodwill today and bought some clothes. It was a fun experience, I spent a couple of hours going through all the racks with very specific ideas in mind for what I wanted to accomplish (a new thing for me). What I came out with was a $6 sewing desk (a cheap melamine thing that someone painted pale yellow), 3 pairs of slacks (2 black in different styles, one grey), and 5 blouses/shirts. The blouses vary, but most have collars and buttons. A couple of them are the stretchy variety which seems to be popular. First I grabbed up 10 pairs of slacks. I found 5 that fit and narrowed it down to 4. $5 each so I decided that I already had one pair at home, herringbone. SO....now I have enough professional looking clothing to last me a week (I only had one outfit before today), and all for $41!!!!! I'm pretty excited about that! That will leave me enough to get a good pair of shoes or a bag to go with it. I don't have much appropriate jewelry or anything yet either, but that will have to wait. It's normal for people to not wear jewelry, but since none of my slacks have pockets, a purse or something will be necessary. It was fun! Thank you, friends, for the tips and links, I used their guidance and will continue as I progress.

Jobs

I crunched some numbers this morning while I was standing at work, really bored as usual. If I can work for the loan company that I'm with right now for 3 hours per day and close 5 loans per month, I will be making as much as I make right now working 50-70 hrs per month. Isn't that insane???

I'm also looking for some help with business class dress code. WHERE ARE THE RULES??? I found one site that was great, it actually listed some rules, like 'the rule of 3' for jewelry. Never wear more than 3 pieces, never wear earrings and a necklace because it's all up in your face. Never wear an armband (duh, I'm not a rockstar). Another rule about jewelry was to never wear things on both wrists - it summons memories of Wonder Woman, not Professional Woman. There were all kinds of suggestions, which I found helpful for when I go shopping for clothes, and I wrote all of them down. Then there were suggestions that weren't helpful at all. The biggest 'gee thanks for nothing' tip was about suits. It said to pick classic. Ok, how classic. Like 1920's classic or 1980's? Which one is classic? I don't look good in the 20's do-up, and the 80's one is still pretty hideous in my mind. Where do I go from there? Do I just pick a decade and stick to it? Double breasted suits, and suit jackets at all for that matter, are too formal for this town, but will serve me well if I move. Is sleeveless okay now? It wasn't 10 years ago. I just don't have time to watch 'what not to wear' for the next 2 months to get all the rules!

The girls' birthday

On thursday, we had the girls' birthday celebration, although their birthday was actually on saturday. It was pretty nice, even though it was captive and we couldn't give them a party. A girl i know from working at the last job makes cupcakes as a business with her mother. She made 4 beautiful pink cupcakes that were strawberry shortcake with strawberry filling and strawberry frosting with perfectly place sprinkles on top. They were great! The girls loved them - Z wanted us to feed them to her, and boy, she made a huge mess cramming them into her face! A was neat & tidy like a prissy princess, carefully consuming her cupcake delicately. Their grandfather gave them each a teddybear, a pink one and a brown one, A loved the brown one, Z loved the pink one so the decision was made without any fighting. I brought glow sticks (the kind you crack that glow in the dark) and they played for a full 30 minutes with those! Z's therapy includes getting her to say 'on' and 'off' since she just does the 'oh' sound in different variations. This ended up being fantastic because we would turn the lights on and she would yell 'OOOOVVV!' so she could play with her glow sticks in the dark! I would love to have these for every visit, but i'm sure they will get bored at some point.
Now sadly, since my phone was broken, I didn't get my reminder for my visit tomorrow with my son, and didn't confirm it, therefore it was cancelled. That makes me horribly sad and I'll be crying my eyes out tonight. I did get to see him this week because we were making up a visit for next week that we will have to skip, but I might be able to find another visitation person to do the visit with next week instead of skipping a visit...There's a thought!

Counseling

So i had my first counseling session today. It was interesting. I'm sure she wanted to get to introductions and the like, but I just pounded forward with the details. I was able to tell her everything and not fear that someone was going to use anything against me like the caseworkers have done. It was so refreshing! She gave me a couple of things to work on, our primary objectives being to be more assertive and consistent. The first was an acronym for a process of letting my thoughts be known. It is DEAR MAN:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful
Appear Confident
Negotiate
description:
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Tell the person exactly what you're reacting to. Stick to the facts, no blaming, no emotional outburst.
Express your feelings and opinions about it. assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident. give a brief rationale. use phrases such as 'i want,' 'i don't want,' instead of 'i need,' 'you should,' or 'i can't.'
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying NO clearly. Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don't expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining consequences. Tell the person in positive effects of getting what you want or need. tell him or her the negative effects of your not getting it. help the person feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want. reward him or her afterwards.
(stay) Mindful, keep your focus on your objectives. maintain your position. don't be distracted.
      "Broken Record" keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over.
      Ignore - If another person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
Appear Confident, effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner, make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. Don't say "I'm not sure." Don't be threatening either.
Negotiate - be willing to give and to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Maintain no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
Turn the tables - Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions: "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not able to say yes, and you seem to really want me to. What can we do here?" "How can we solve this problem?"

There are excellent tools here for regular every day use. Knowing how I am, can you just imagine which steps I will have the most trouble with? I sure can! I know I am not an assertive person, I typically don't ask straight out for what I want, I am just quite passive aggressive and don't come straight out. I will usually go along with it, but I won't participate so it will be difficult for the other party to achieve the result that they want. In an effort to be a more 'middle of the road' person instead of the ultra-passive one, I am going to attempt to take these steps and just stop taking all of the negative from everyone, J and my bosses in particular. I cam quite anxious to get started on the new job and not have to work at the factory anymore, and this tool may come in handy in the coming weeks when they try to negotiate my job.

for better or worse?

Court on thursday was a bit of a good and bad thing. I will try to outline the developments in chronological order, but no promises. You all know how scattered I am!
So first, there was a redetermination for visitation court date in May. At this same time, we went in for our psychological evaluations. The court redetermination kept getting continued because we had lots of witnesses to go through, plus scheduling 5 lawyers to all meet on the same day & time is a feat in itself.
The redetermination wasn't going very well. It was suggested that our visits be rescheduled as therapeutic because the connection between J and the twins was 'fractured.' They didn't mention how typical this kind of separated fracturing is when parents are separated from children in the middle of the night. Of course the kids wouldn't trust him! These strangers came and stole them out of their beds in the night, and he just stood there. As a toddler, I would be quite upset too. So A isn't really hateful, she just takes a minute to warm up to him, like she does with everyone, then she's fine and dandy and acts normal, climbing all over him, feeding him toys and food that she's already chewed up... Just the usual 3 yr old behavior. They say that it (the 'fracture') needs to be fixed before we can proceed to level two, which means visits at the park or for more than 1 1/2 hours.
Next the psychological evaluations. I relayed the primary information already, but at the hearing, the doctor who conducted the evaluations expounded on them a bit. He said that J has severe PTSD. It's pretty bad. He suggested medication, psychotherapy, counseling, intensive.  A whole lot of it. He is rigid, decisive, and has a stringent code of ethics that he lives by. Unfortunately, having a family sort-of butts heads with that whole code. The reason is that there are variables with regard to children and families. They tend to do unpredictable things occasionally. Well, that doesn't really mesh. The doctor said that he is strict and regimented and anything that doesn't conform to his idea of the ethic code gets bent, he freaks out, manipulates, ridicules, gets violent...whatever the reaction, it's all related to his head being haywire. The doctor essentially said that he should be under the care of a doctor instead of in jail. As for me, the diagnosis was that I like the regimentation and thrive under it. He said we're a match made in heaven because we compliment each other. The county attorney asked what would happen if I was too passive, and he just responded that we needed help. He said that I am quite passive, even though I don't like something. An example would be that I would compliantly go along with something, even though I don't agree, then I would resist in other ways so I wouldn't have to admit I don't like it. Yep, that's me! So it was kind of fun to hear him tell us what we were and how we relate to one another. Not too happy about the therapeutic visitation instead of regular visits. It typically doesn't bode well when they move it to therapy.
As far as the good part, J's father came to town and told him he was being crazy and to stop it. He's been a lot better since. Really just took his dad telling him that he was being paranoid and he was off the deep end. Glad that he came, but he was kind of a jerk. I asked him, 'have you considered moving here for 6 months to get the girls?' And he jumped down my throat saying I was being confrontational and forcing him to decide between his wife and his child. I thought for a couple of days and decided that i had every right to ask that, i was confronting him, a little frustrated by the fact that he wouldn't choose his grandchildren over florida for 6 months. Really? choose your wife or your kids...lemme think...So they keep telling me that if i leave him, i can have the kids, but it truly isn't that way. i know how they work, unfortunately. they want to break up the family with promises. it would be 6 months of impressing upon my family that i am not a sociopath like they think and swaying their opinion. since i'm not very good at that, there is no chance of me convincing them that i should get the kids back anyway. might as well prove that we are a great success story and get better! wish us luck!

Formal Diagnosis

Last week I had that psychological evaluation. The results were fairly boring but at least I'm not a sociopath. The guy (sorry, doctor) said that:
1.  I have oppositional defiance disorder, which means I was a rebellious kid without any parental boundaries that never outgrew it...because there wasn't any guidance. No surprise there.
2. I have post concussion disorder. I was thinking that would be self explanatory, but I guess it's not really. Unfortunately, it's not really clear to me either. Pretty sure it has something to do with the memory loss, headaches, having to repeat things over & over to learn them...but I could be wrong.
3. I have memory loss. I wasn't surprised by this at all.
4. PTSD, which I knew, but this guy was a little more comprehensive, he said it had to do with the abuse inflicted by my family as well as the x.
5. ADHD, also knew about this one. Basically I can't hold still or pay attention. Squirrel!
My dear husband doesn't think any of these really exist, because he can't see them. I am fairly normal almost all the time, there are just annoying holes in my existence.
I think all of this means something, but it doesn't matter a whole lot to me other than for the upcoming court case.
Speaking of which, court is coming up next week. I am worried they will ask me to testify about what's going on. I just want to see my kids more.
I have a new client to clean for every other friday now, so yes, I have 3 jobs. My dear husband is now working as a door-to-door air freshener salesman. I am really hoping that he can make this take off. He is an excellent salesman, so I have faith that he can manage if he can just get things off the ground. If he works half as much as I do, I will only have to work half as much as I do. That would be nice.

Visit with the kids and other stuff

Yesterday I had a visit with my 6 yr old, and it was very nice! He asked for chocolate chip ice cream, cherries, which he figured out he didn't like after chomping into a pit! He seemed so confused that cherries had pits! it was quite funny, I asked him if he'd ever eaten a cherry, and he said no. Of course he has had cherries before, but I usually pitted them before hand. He also asked for chicken tenders and sweet potato fries. Unfortunately I got the wrong sweet potato fries, they were overwhelmingly spicy and even I couldn't eat them. The ice cream was the Breyers waffle cone ice cream, which was amazing, I must say. Never had it before, but I almost didn't stop eating it. Bad news considering how much I currently weigh (which is as much as I did when I was pregnant with my oldest child. ACK!)
The visit with the girls this morning was really nice too, except that one had the runs, neither would eat their breakfast, but Z got on the potty and actually went! Oh, it was so thrilling, we were all excited (including the visit facilitator and their therapist), clapping, cheering, and she was just eating it up!
I got a cleaning contract today, which is fantastic. After doing up the budget, we realized that we don't make enough now that I'm paying off the last collection from the house-fire. Until September, we will be short $200/mo. Anyway, the new cleaning client is going to provide an extra 100 per month, so we are a little closer to our goal.
Today I have the final evaluation after my mental assessment. I am not looking forward to it, but it has to be done. I did a full work up, meaning comprehension, IQ, etc. It would be nice to figure out whether I've improved since the concussion 11 years ago. I guess they are really swinging the pendulum far the other way and think it's really important to have 'brain rest' for almost a year after a concussion, where you can't use electronic devices, read, strain your eyes, watch tv, and anything that might make you think too hard. Who knows, it could kill you to think. Interesting.

Small Update on the case & children

Yesterday we had a treatment team meeting. It was an interesting one!
CPS has an independent evaluator come in and determine if all services are being utilized and if the case is going in a fair direction. Everything seemed to be fine, but my mother complained about having so much on her plate with 'so many' children and 'so many appointments.' I understand her lamenting as I experienced the same concerns before. I inserted that I want to see the boys in sports, and I thought it would be a bad idea for them to go to the pool on free day, what with the 2 year olds need for supervision that my mother is incapable of providing.
My husband spent the entire meeting 'trying to keep my quiet' by complaining loudly and making an embarrassment of himself. He didn't want me to say anything incriminating, so he kept talking over me, interrupting me, and not letting me say anything. I asked how my boys were, and that was all he would allow. My mother played the victim like an expert violinist plays a Stradivarius. She almost cried when my husband brought up the letter she wrote (explaining in unbridled hatred how terrible a person I am) as an example of the negative attitudes held in her household that effect the children. I am not sure how she is the victim, but she sure acted the part. It just made it so clear how much it's all about her.
My boys are not doing well. The oldest is having a very hard time and won't see me. He is completely shut off emotionally and just shuts down whenever he has to confront anything. He goes from -0- to crying or hatefully furious in no time. He is doing well in school, my mom complained that they are behind in school and insinuated that it's my fault. I occasionally inserted historical evidence to defend my children, things such as 'we worked with him on math facts for 2 years, but he just didn't seem to get it. We switched strategies and started with calculus and geometry, with the intention of helping him understand why he needed the basics so we could make more strides in that department.' The younger is having problems with frustration as well. He doesn't know what's going on and is upset about it. He told my mother that my husband wrote a letter saying he loved him, which isn't allowed. That didn't happen, the visit coordinator corroborated. He then told me that my mom tells him that I lie about everything. My mother of course denies that but has no supporting witnesses except the case worker who just defends everything she says.
The girls are making great strides. My mother intimated that it's because they were removed from my home. The girls' speech therapist mentioned twice that the girls have reached a window of opportunity in their development consistent with their age, and they are impressed with their strides. An expert in the field would attribute their willingness and ability to learn to a good home before hand. If they were abused, as is suggested by my mom, they would not be able to learn like this.
Nothing major really happened, but we were told that we might be able to progress to level 2 by the next court date, which is June 8. Level 2 means that we get to have our visitation in the community instead of locked in the little room. I am nervous about that because it will cost money that we don't have, and it will be harder to keep them entertained if we only have 1.5 hours to eat and conduct activities for them.

My apartment.

So we got an apartment. it's in a kind-of nice area. We have been living there for just over a month now, and I like having modern amenities. I am really hoping the management company comes through and fixes the swamp cooler, because the apartment is a southern-exposure upper floor, which means it is quite hot in the afternoon. The apartment is 2 bedrooms with a little eat in kitchen and an average sized living room. It has several closets which my husband won't allow me to fill because he doesn't know what he wants in them. I get really frustrated by that. We can't fit any furniture into our vehicle, so we only have the small items that he managed to get lifted over by friends. I am hoping desperately for a dresser in the near future. Right now, I have shoe cubbies that hang in the closet acting as my drawers to hold my drawers. haha.
The apartment is centrally located near the boys' schools just in case, near social services if we need to show up at a moment's notice, near walmart so we can walk there, etc. It's a decent location. The neighbor below has a male cat that bellows all night long, however, and i find that frustrating. I never knew that a tomcat could sound so much like an angry child, yelling at the top of their lungs.
The thing I love about the place is that I can bake. I have baked bread, cookies, lasagna, roasts, and more cookies and bread. I know, unhealthy... but if I can't clean to feel relieved from stress, I tend to eat.
What better thing is there to eat than cookies and bread?

I dreamt I ate my husband

Ok, so the dream was pretty strange. First he was talking incessantly, which is something he does often. He likes to keep me up way past late to talk, hoping i will come to some real epiphany of some point he's trying to make, which is nearly impossible for me when I'm tired. So i typically fake it hoping he'll shut up.  That's cruel, and I know it. However, he knows I can't think when I'm tired and he does it anyway because he lacks self-control (yes, he is the guy who will eat 6 boxes of cookies because they are there. Nobody put them out of his reach, so he ate them all). Anyway, the dream. So he's talking. And talking. And then I stab him, in passing (and this is also strange, because there was no malicious intent. it was just to see what would happen.)  over & over with a plastic butter knife to discover that he's made of cake. Then we eat him. He is included. He eats himself and says all the while how he isn't a fan of cake. His skin was frosting, he had a layer of red-velvet and chocolate on the inside. Granted this followed a dinner which was followed by chocolate cake. I'm pretty sure it's the strangest dream I've ever had, next to the one where I dreamt about being in a hotel with a bride undergoing female circumcision, then getting a phone call from my x-husband and telling him to come pick up his eyes, which I had in a box in my pocket; then we (my son and I) were going up to the ground level from the top floor of a hotel in an elevator that was brass and green, where we emerged on the beach to find penguins laying eggs and dolphins & whales beaching themselves to talk to us. The interpretation of that one makes sense. Just ask if you're interested and I'll let you know what it all meant. The crazy part is that the interpretation came true. I wonder if this one will come true either literally or interpretatively. Either way it's pretty weird.
  Lately I have been hoping for a lot of death. This sounds morbid, and it is, but I can see so many outcomes improving if someone dies. Not always the same person in my fantasy, but it will usually be in some fantastic or horribly boring way. Never the same way twice, and it's a lot like the show '1000 ways to die' with bad acting and silly props. One fantasy, the least fulfilling, included a meteor and a hot dog. That one was my mother. She was eating a hot dog, which is against everything she lives for, then a meteor struck her and only her in a crowd of people. Right through the heart, which didn't bleed. The fantasy got weird, and maybe it was actually a dream, but the hole soldered itself from the heat and she went on like nothing ever happened. I think these strange thoughts are a result of combined stress and lack of sufficient sleep. I have been working a lot of long hours and have been very angry with my husband irrationally. The poor guy has to get surgery on his good foot now. The other was blown up and rebuilt in the military. Ya, he has a bionic foot. It's made of metal on the inside and looks like a normal foot on the outside. I wonder if that's where the cake dream came from... The other foot has been compensating and is full of arthritis and fluid now. He is afraid they are going to remove one foot and he doesn't know which one. This is a terrible prospect and he's been pretty depressed about it. He is the most emotional person I have ever met. He still goes about cooking constantly and randomly unproductively cleaning, and randomly cleaning up the property so we can sell it, but as untidy as he is, I find myself furious a lot. You know why? My therapy is to clean. I feel better if I clean the house. Since I don't have time, I expect him to find my therapeutic methods therapeutic also and am irrationally angry that he doesn't. How 'bout them apples! I feel like I might just be crazy after all.

Recently, in a court hearing, my mother submitted her testimonial time line of my life. This, of course, just outlines every mistake I've ever made in the past 20 years, not anything before my formative teen years. Every thing that embarrassed her. Her first statement was that 'there is something wrong with Jennifer,' which then evolves into her qualified clinical diagnostic that I am a sociopath and have a social disorder. Mind you, mom never graduated college, and her course of study while there was not anything to do with the sciences of human nature. After this strange diagnostic, she outlines, with many mistakes and presumptions, everything I have ever done that she considers a blemish to her pride, which primarily includes the relationships, pregnancies and deliveries of my children. She then accuses me of being a criminal mastermind and gracefully orchestrating the secret abuse of my children. She makes it known with pride that she has always been the one behind every investigation conducted against me over the past 17 years. She outlines several things that either never happened or were benign until she twisted them in her head. It was a horrid display that a daughter should never have to endure from her mother. Strike that, no human with any decency or honor should ever utter these things in such a tone even under breath. I should like very much to relate the entire document, however the last 20 years worth of my mistakes are lengthy indeed, numbering 5 pages. At one point about a month ago, she also documented how devious my extended family is and how little she could trust them with the care of children, then turned around in this document to say just the opposite.
I am encouraging anyone who has ever known me to reach out and make written statements as to the treatment my mother offered throughout my upbringing, and the treatment that I have offered my own children. If you, or anyone you know, has ever known me to be a sociopath or a criminal mastermind, please let me know. If you know of any incident where my mother's mothering skills were less than stellar, please make it known to me in an email. I didn't realize that fighting for my children would include slander and mud slinging, but since it is now, I have 4 weeks to mount a response to this terribly disgusting display of impropriety.
With fondness, I recall the time in the park where my mother threw herself on the ground kicking and screaming to feign an example of what a tantrum looks like. This was directed at a toddler who had no idea what she was doing and thus screamed all the more. I wish I had taken a video of the ordeal. With no regular discipline in her daily routine, my mother confused the toddler, who has turned out quite spoiled and fussy. He is the epitome of the frail child who needs constant minding, which, in her testimonial, is because I was a meth addict. Please understand I have never used or even tried meth. However, with my mother's extensive psychology study under her belt, I'm sure her diagnosis is accurate.

recent update

Not much has really been happening lately. The social worker on the case told us that we would have counselors set up within 2 weeks, 3 weeks ago. We have heard nothing. The visits were going as planned and scheduled, without a hitch, until my sycophant brother showed up with my daughters in his arms and shouted at the visitation facilitator that he never wanted to see 'that child molester' again, referring to my husband. Of all the people to say anything... Anyway, I spent the visit trying to stave off the terrible stress of that comment. Considering my brother was the one who made up the story for my eldest daughter to feed to authorities about my husband being a molester, you would think he would stop attempting to perpetuate its validity once the truth came out 2 years ago, but NO! not so, he apparently still believes his lie even though nobody else does. I wonder how many nights he laid awake in the bed his momma provided for him coming up with stinging remarks that he could attempt to sway public opinion with. I wonder how many times they have made degrading comments like that in front of my children. I wonder many things that are less important also, and a lot more entertaining. I wonder how soon he will get hit by a bus, or when the good ole 'what goes around comes around' will fulfill itself as it has with me repeatedly.
  The CASA worker was at the visit today. It was nicer when she wasn't there. She is a self-absorbed bitter woman with a smile on her face. Strike that. She doesn't think a lot, and isn't one of those people who likes to hear anything you have to say unless it's about her. I like her as a person to speak to in general because she reveals so much about herself without realizing it. All it takes to sway her is to listen to her ramble on for 20 minutes about something inconsequential and then offer assistance in one way or another. Today, she explained that she had just purchased 11 acres abutting her current farm. She explained the horrible state of the land, that there were 150 cinder blocks and weeds at chest height all over the place except for the city-mowed 25 feet around the perimeter. She explained that it was an impulse buy, but we easily validated her purchase by telling her that land is never impulse or rash, buying land that increases your holdings is always a good idea (it isn't, but that's beside the point. she didn't want to hear that).

pinterest

Tonight I got to play on Pinterest for a couple of hours. This isn't something I normally do, but it was fun to look up ideas for castle beds for my girls. It's pretty exciting to be able to see all of these great ideas and brainstorm with my husband about what he plans to build for them. The only request I have is for a good sturdy toy box. Anything else is his thing. I also checked out some interesting sensory integration activities and activities from an Occupational Therapist. The girls will love these games! Things like putting paint into a ziplock bag, taping it to a window and letting them squish it so they can see the light through. Making a laser obstacle course through a hallway with yarn  - no touching the laser beams! Some other ideas I really loved, but they are too advanced for my girls. All the activities are all over the web, but it's nice to have them all in one place.

new things

today I got my 'like new' cell phone. This is a really big deal because my cell phone is my life line. It is my computer, e-reader, gaming device, communication module, stress extractor, drool facilitator, etc. It wasn't working right, so it was just adding to the stress. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't. It would make calls randomly, and the calls I wanted it to make, it either wouldn't or it would only allow the other party to hear the showing I was doing at my phone, not the conversation I hoped they would hear. It would shut off, restart, start aps, quit aps all at random. There was a phantom in my phone. A phonetom.
Now that I have the new one, all of my information has been lost, but I believe in my heart of hearts that it will be worth it to have something that actually works more often than sometimes. It doesn't work right now, but I'm sure it will work at some point after my very patient husband is done reprogramming it... again... it's only been 3 attempts this evening so I'm sure it will work fine by morning. I love technology.
  My mother texted me again today. She asked if I would get swim shorts for my son and for the son of mine whom she adopted at birth. I told her that I believed that I had already given them to her, but she is sure I haven't, even though she hasn't even sorted through all the clothing I sent over. It is my small minded and spiteful opinion that if she wants to continue stabbing me in the back, I will not go out of my way to assist her in making my children enjoy her presence without a direct connection to how I have helped make it happen. I know, petty. I'm getting sick of being the bigger person when it comes to other grown ups. Does it ever end? That's rhetorical. You don't need to answer.
 As for other great new things, my husband's new car has a new car stereo and he installed it. It looks amazing, and he has his android tablet mounted inside as well, just above the stereo. He did a fantastic job.

A mostly uneventful week

So first, I must divulge that I haven't had a day off in over 2 weeks. I am beginning to get a bit delirious. I won't have a day off for at least another 4 days. That day off won't actually be a day off either, as I will be going to help a friend clean her house, and it will be sandwiched between 16-20 hour work days on either side.
My weekly visit with the girls was cancelled because the girls were sick. Keep in mind they have been sick for 3 weeks running (haha, running noses... am I the only one laughing?), but my mom is feeling like she isn't in control at the moment, so she thought it necessary to flex her muscles of manipulation. We are supposed to get make-up time, but it probably won't happen because CPS just doesn't have the resources to devote to extras, and God forbid they actually give us level 2 visitation like they did for the sex offender... oh sorry, bitterness creeping out. Back to the point. She sent me an email today saying that she is sending back most of the clothes that I sent to her for the kids because she just doesn't have the space for them. This after she complained that she didn't have enough clothing for them because the foster parents supposedly kept all of it. Granted, the FP's were really disorganized and didn't send everything over, but that's beside the point. She later complained to the court advocate that I sent too much out of spite and in order to be vindictive. This can be a bit confusing. This week, she intends to take my 6 yr old out of state to Montana with her under the premise that the boys miss each other too much to be separated. She presumptively asserted permission to take my son out of the state, which I have not granted, but it doesn't seem that anyone cares about that. My rights are walked upon at every turn.
Well, I don't remember where I was going with this, because my dear friends are surrounding me and making me laugh. I know I intended to tell about my week, but now I don't remember anything about it!
Oh yes, I recall one thing. My husband, who has graciously forgiven my transgressions, and I have applied for an apartment in town. I am so excited to get electricity and plumbing again! We found a very inexpensive apartment in an area known locally as Little Beirut or Little Mexico. So to give you an idea, the area is terrible, but it's cheap and it's close enough to our property so that we can leave the dogs out there and NOT in a nice apartment that we have to pay a deposit on. The property management company requires a deposit in advance and background checks, which I find unique. My husband's felony record notwithstanding, we think we have a decent chance of getting the place, but until tomorrow, we wait anxiously for the response. The apartment is large for a 2 bedroom apartment, approximately 700 square feet. It has 4 large closets, a wide galley kitchen, separate dining area, living room, laundry room, full bathroom, and 2 big bedrooms, one of which has a balcony facing west. It has windows on 3 sides and is an upstairs apartment, so we are less concerned with security than if we had a main floor condo. The steps are treacherous, composite concrete with rock and missing large parts. I am just excited to get a place of our own. I have never in my life gotten a place with someone that wasn't mine or his before it was ours. This will be 'ours' and he will move us in, unpack, organize, arrange, decorate and hopefully keep it clean while I'm working.
We are working on starting our business venture. I'm excited about it, but I'm concerned that with our impending move to another state, how will I leave it? Can I sell it? Should I dissolve it? Maybe leave it with a friend who needs a supplemental income? Any ideas are welcome.

stuck in my own head

At this temporary job I have, I spend a lot of time stuck in my own head, in the circular thought patterns that lead to insanity. Today was no different, of course.
The job consists of great monotony, loading parts into a big cleaning machine that resembles a 'better mouse trap' design. The machine takes up better than 3 tables and consists of vacuum belts, 16" circular brushes arranged at every angle, facing each other, conveyor ribbons with spinning knobs, springs and air guides. All of the belts and ribbons need to line up perfectly so that the (mere millimeters thick) parts don't get stuck. My job is to load parts into one side of the machine, into or onto the feeder, watch them convey on the belts, then remove them from the machine, stack, count and box. Sometimes I get real excitement by having to check each and every item for thickness through a 'camber bar.' This is time consuming because each parts lot is typically 250-4,000 parts. Eight to ten hours of that. My fingers are raw, my nails are broken, I have blisters and cuts on my hands, it's hard work, but it is very mundane and allows a person to drive herself crazy with her own thoughts. I am working diligently to train my thoughts to not work in a circle, but actually get somewhere. Today that didn't work. My circular thoughts were a little interesting (to me).
My mother is an interesting person. She betrays me at every turn, as though I'm the red-headed stepchild. Among the things she has done that not very many people know about, she helped me buy a house and a triplex at two different occasions. These were great helps to me. On the triplex, I offered to sell it back to her at one point, and she told me she had it appraised for $250,000. I trusted her, big mistake. She had it appraised, alright, but for $450,000. She kept that. I thought I could make a real estate deal with my own mother without her robbing me blind. The other time, she put her name on my house down town. I put all the money in on it. I had $14,000 from the sale of a house, and since my credit was bad, she put the loan in her name, I put the money down on it. After 3 years, she had the mortgage re-evaluated to $200/mo instead of the $1000/mo we were paying. Being that I was pregnant and not working at the time, 85% of my husband's income was going towards this thousand per month. She never told us about the re-evaluation and pocketed the money for 8 months. Then, once the house burnt down, she handed me a bill for an additional $1600, saying it would cover the back-owed utilities, which she ended up not covering anyway. I am the only child who does not owe her money. I am the only one who won't take flights or trips on her dime. I refuse to borrow from her because of the cost that comes with it, but the cost doesn't apply to my siblings. They live on her dime and enjoy it. Recently, my mom told CPS that I took hallucinogens and smoked pot during my pregnancies. She has spent the past 3 months slandering every bit of my character and telling everyone in my family (which actually has been happening for most of my life) that I'm not trying to get my kids back. She is counting on getting custody of them. Perish the thought!
Anyway, the point of this, my circular craziness thoughts were about different analogies to liken her to. Usually I liken her to Fidel Castro (ruler of a small nation, being my family; controlling, willing to torture, etc). Today I came up with another one. Have you ever seen the movie, "Ever After" with Drew Barrymore? I don't liken myself to Cinderella in the least, but the character Angelica Huston played, the evil stepmother (the quote I'm thinking of is 'How can one love a pebble in one's shoe?' as she sold the daughter into slavery to the disgusting neighbor), is just so similar to my mother. Lady Catherine DeBourg or Mrs Bennett... Well, both combined (always playing the victim, but controlling everyone with monetary influence. I liken myself more to Lydia in the way I've behaved, but an aspiring Mary). Betrayal from a mother is more devastating than from any other human on the planet. My oldest child has sadly learned the same qualities from my mother's influence, such as lying to get your way and manipulating people to get information out of them. I, on the other hand, am naive and gullible. I trust too much and get taken advantage of far too easily. I always allowed my family to take advantage of me because I thought they loved me and had my best interest in mind. It is so heartbreaking to find out just how wrong I have been. Do they not understand that slandering people just makes them look bad? When I speak ill of anyone, it looks bad on me. The people I speak to wonder what I'm saying behind their backs. They question whether or not I'm capable of loyalty. Until recently, I didn't know this at all. There were few people to whom I was completely and utterly loyal with nothing negative to say to anyone who asked. (Just so you know, those people are reading this).
Anyway, the circular thought pattern kept replaying the nicknames in my head. Please, by all means, contribute your own in the comments! I would love to know what you think!

To live up to the namesake of this blog

Here is another blog post. I intended to write on Wednesday night while at the laundromat, but the attendant at the laundromat seemed lonely and followed me around to chat. She is such a pleasant woman that I couldn't resist and put off the blog. I also had to ask permission of my husband to write what I'm about to write since it has been his request that I not share this with but a couple of people. When I did ask his permission, he looked at me as though I was crazy and said that he had always hoped I would be willing to submit myself wholly and honestly to the judgement of my closest friends. For, he said, how can you expect them to remain your friends if you do not allow them to see the whole picture. I was so grateful and at the same time I dread sharing these dark secrets from the skeletons of my character, those things which I am embarrassed and ashamed of now that they are in the light. What I have found so far is that you, my dearest friends, know me better than I thought, and I am so grateful to not be 'burned at the stake' for making such grave mistakes. After these shames are brought to light, I have news, both good and bad that has been eating away at the core of my desire to share with you. For lack of time this past week I have not posted, but I intend to TRY today, providing I don't run out of time today. Without further ado:
   In the course of the past year, I have portrayed my husband to be quite the monster. Don't be mistaken, he was. The part I left out was how much of a monster I was as well. I still am a monster. I will always be a monster, albeit on a leash or sedatives or whatever the analogy may become. While I have not been a characteristic abusive person/parent/whatever, I have lost my temper with my children, curled up into a ball and cried over events out of my control instead of being a grown up, acted like a child, and I have cheated on my husband. That would be considered the worst part, but it isn't. The betrayal of portraying him as a monster is a worse betrayal, believe it or not, than cheating. In my messed up mind, I justified everything and lied to myself and those around me, believing my own lies that it was ok or whatever I happened to say to myself at the time to make it seem ok. The frustration I feel in allowing myself to fall so far is difficult to bear, but I deserve to bear it regardless. Another of the horrible things I did was lie to everyone else about why I stopped working in North Dakota. Instead of wanting to stay home, I wanted to stay away from the man I cheated on my husband with. Instead of facing my actions, I just chose to avoid them and what a convenient excuse it was that my children needed me. My reason has grown into being home for my children, but it certainly wasn't at first. My doubts about my ability to get them back have been nearly insurmountable. I feel constantly as though I'm not worthy to raise people - whole people. I feel like damaged people produce damaged people. My fear is that they will all be as damaged as my 17 yr old has shown herself to be, completely devoid of character, morals, ethics, standards. Ok, she has an ethic, it just happens to be the 'do whatever it takes to get your way' one that I hate about myself. My husband is quite upset about it, but has internalized his emotions to 'deal with when we are out of the storm.' There is wisdom in that. We spoke on a Friday night, the entire night, I confessed things to him that I didn't need to confess had I wanted to keep the secrets because nobody could verify them. I was combative, defensive, reluctant, but I also understood that this needed to be dealt with. He checked himself into the hospital the next morning with the hope that I would leave him over the course of the weekend and make his suffering severe but quick. We spoke most of the morning on Saturday, then I dropped him off at the hospital. It was a grueling weekend and I realized how much I need him; how I can't live without him; how he is my better half, and I am a mere half-wit without him.
 You must understand that I chose my husband out of a pool of suitors because I knew he would be the one who would make me a better person because he is a better person. He is by far more intelligent than I am and was raised in a class far above my own. I liken him to Mr Darcy, even though we don't have as distinct a class separation as other nations. Ya I know we aren't as wealthy as the Darcy family, but his way of thinking is the same as a higher class of people. As a human, however, he lost sight of the goals just as I did. Believe it or not, this whole session with our children has been revealing to both of us just how far off the target we were and how easy it is to stray. Knowing this, we have both corrected our course and are on the right track (wow, i didn't know i knew so many cliche's). I am wholly his and he is wholly mine, until one or the other of us dies. I have spent too much time acting like my mother, dividing and conquering men for my own gain. The desire of my heart has been opposite, but my actions have not. Here is the course correction, and I submit myself wholly to your judgement, criticism, critique, and words of wisdom.

Little Things

One typically doesn't appreciate little things until you can't have or do them. At last week's visit, my youngest did something that she hasn't been able to do ever. She's 2 1/2 years old, and has never been able to nod her head. Her therapist was playing 'if you're happy and you know it' on her ipad, and my little girl stood to her feet, clapped her hands (as best she could), stomped her foot (without falling down!!!), nodded her head and then couldn't keep up anymore with all the demands of doing them all at the same time. I don't know about you, but nodding my head is something I take for granted typically. This small act had me in tears. Her progress is truly phenomenal.
Today, I had to pack up the clothes & toys for my kids to take them to my mom. It feels like I am throwing away their whole existence, as if they had died and I'm just getting rid of them. I fight the constant urge to cling tighter to their dirty toys and worn out clothes and smelly shoes because it is somehow bringing me close to something that they once touched. I have to go wash all of the clothes and toys somewhere before I relinquish them for what seems like forever.
Another thing that happened today, I saw my uncle driving down the road with my son in the car. He motioned for me to call him, so I did. He seemed anxious to catch up with me. He is a good guy, although he tends to be biased towards whatever my mom wants, which isn't always good. It was good to talk to him. I only hope that he can inject a little logic into the whole thing.

The past couple of days

The fatigue is beginning to wear through the veneer of my composure. I missed a day of work on Sunday because I forgot to put it in the calendar. I felt pretty stupid since that isn't something I typically do. Yes, I forget more than the normal person does, but when staring at my schedule and entering the dates I work for the next two weeks, the last thing I typically do is just skip one. Silly me. I would have repeated the same thing tomorrow had I not double checked the schedule before leaving work today. 

Thursday marked another visit day with my sons. They were happy to see me as usual, and I have missed them terribly. My 12 yr old is learning to play the baritone. He has been at it for 2 days at this point and already has the notes memorized and is playing songs. He is such a brilliant kid that I'm not surprised by this, and he is obviously quite proud as he can't put it down. The social worker isn't as enthusiastic because she's in an office building where the other tenants may not like the noise. I don't discourage his endeavor. Since the social worker seeks to find something negative to say about me at every visit, I figure this will be one of the things she will report on. My 6 yr old is not as giggly as usual, but insists upon playing poke-fu with me. I play back. We talk about school, subjects they're studying, what they like, don't like, etc. I love my visits with them! They give me shoe & clothes sizes, since the foster parents, who bought clothing for them, kept all of it when the kids moved to my mom's house. 

The next day was my visit with the girls. Side note: I had to work both mornings and move fast to get to the visits on time. We always bring food, and the social worker insists that fast food is bad if it's from a chain restaurant, but fast food from a grocery store is fine. I think it's gross because it isn't made fresh, it sits there all day and goes stale by the time I get to it. At least it's the same price. 

So the visit with the girls comes around, and the girls are bouncing off the walls. They adore the therapist who comes to work with one of them and get giggly. One girl strips off her clothes and runs around jumping on furniture while giggling uncontrollably. The therapist explains that this is normal for us all because the social worker looks like she's about to evacuate her bowels. The visit goes exceptionally well, with the modest girl getting very upset at having to leave mommy & daddy. I take this as a good sign. 

I had loaded up my car with all the toys that would fit for the kids since the foster parents didn't pass any of those along either. I gave them to the social worker and promised that I would have more the following week. 

Treatment plan I had to turn in.

I had an hour to come up with this, and didn't edit it thoroughly. My bad. Suggestions are welcome. 

Treatment plan.

For myself, I expect some counseling would be beneficial. The charges held against me include failure to protect. Maybe some self defense classes would help. I hope to be more assertive and stand up for myself and the children at a competent level satisfactory to the department.

I intend to rejoin a church family. Having the twins made it difficult to attend regular services without the constant interruption from the nursery, thus rendering any helpful effect of the church ineffective. I stopped attending when I was put on bed rest and have missed my friends immensely. Now that they are older, I have faith that they can handle being in a nursery setting for the 2 hours required for a typical church service.

I am currently seeking a second job in town (update: I have the second job. I work a lot). I gave up the job out of town so that the children would not require Jason's sole supervision. Once we get closer to getting them back, I will secure child care so they can be 'safely supervised' according to department standards while I work, since it is necessary to work (update: I intend to start another business and only work while they are in school, or just have them with me). As Jason is seeking employment (update: Jason has a job!!!!!) And they like him!), I may have the opportunity to stay home with the kids instead of working in the future. I am seeking low-cost training programs to fill the gaps in my resume for an administrative or managerial position.

I plan to buy multi-unit property so that we can afford to live in a better home for less money. The main restriction from living in town has been financial. Owning a multi-unit property as I have in the past has always secured a better situation for less money than I can typically afford.

My home will remain clean and organized as it typically was when I lived in town in a normal house. When I was the homemaker, there were never concerns of tidiness, sanitation, whether the kids were bathed or clean, etc. I was raised by an obsessively clean mother who taught me likewise.

I intend to fix my credit. With as much experience as I have with financial planning, and without the restrictions I used to have monetarily, there is no excuse for having bad credit at this point. The first thing I will be doing with my incoming paychecks is paying off the collections left over from the fire, which include utilities and furnishings. The total amount I owe besides student loans is less than $5000, I trust that I will be able to pay it all off within 6 months barring acts of God and disasters. Once I pay off the debts, I will be setting aside money for savings towards the purchase of property.

Given the lenient nature of my parenting, which follows my lifestyle of being a reed blowing in the wind, I intend to start parenting classes, which would go hand in hand with counseling to help me become assertive. I need to learn how to put my foot down and not be moved, more like a strong oak. I have always picked men who were more of the strong oak category, and I defer to them far too much for even my own comfort. I want to be like the mothers whose children respect, honor, and are happiest getting accolades from them.

I have always enjoyed random happy acts with my kids, like happy un-birthdays, where I would pick up a cake or treat from the store and we would throw an un-birthday party with friends or family or neighbors (depending on where we were living at the time and how spontaneous it was). We would also take spontaneous trips to nearby locations like Glenwood Springs, Ouray or Gateway. The more children I had, the less often I was able to do this, but it is something that Corinne loved and Ethan experienced a little bit. At least once a month, we would have a picnic or if the weather was too cold, we would pack up lunch and drive through the Monument after church. I am actually pretty shy, being outgoing and making long term friends is difficult for me. Part of my plan is to incorporate this spontaneity with new or rekindled friendships and include others in my support network for these random happy activities.

My short term goals, therefore:

Counseling

rejoin church family

parenting classes

self defense classes (?)

2^nd job, followed by a better single job

Job training

moving in to town

pay off debt

save money

buy duplex or 4-plex

keep house clean & tidy

read parenting books

get my kids back.

Learn to rely on friends and family as necessary

Long term goals:

Continue in the church family

Continue self defense, parenting and counseling

buy another property

save more money

keep house clean & tidy

read more parenting books

help children reach goals

Maintain relationships with friends, neighbors, and kids friends.  

Today

I spoke with my mom today. I haven't had a conversation with her in a long time. Basically, as you know, she is evil incarnate. Some moms do things for their daughters, things to help others selflessly. My mom is not that person. Everything she does will in some way harm someone else if she does it with intent. Otherwise, it just has to have a benefit to herself for her to commit to it. Mom has never done anything for any charity except donate money because she needed a tax deduction, as an example.
Basically, she simultaneously chastised and consoled me for my terrible situation with my terrible husband, and then explained to me that, when you train a bad horse or bad dog,  you don't blame the horse or dog for being bad. Instead you blame the circumstances or the previous owner. Thus, she explained, humans can be considered no better, and how could we blame my son for killing the animals or molesting his little sister? It was obviously my doing. Yes, she slipped and told me it was all my fault. Yay mom!
And then I got to drive back across town to take a drug test, 20 miles out of my way. I got to pee in front of a woman who pretended to not be looking. Thank the Lord that I only had to do it that once, although the social worker fought me tooth & nail because my x (James, the meth-addict, x-con) said that I did drugs with him. Yes, she believed his word over mine. I'm the bad guy. Not used to this.

interesting debate

I welcome your comments on this one.
So when my dad called me the other night, he called to make sure that i was appropriately rebuked by his wife from her message to me the day before. I am really insulted, but i'm not sure if i should be.
My dad was a pretty decent dad when i was little. It kind of ended when he & mom got divorced when i was 8. What mom wanted, mom got, and he just allowed it. He is spineless to be sure, always led around by the wife and her whims. If there was a Hallmark card that said, 'Thanks for letting me know I wasn't worth fighting for,' it would be quite fitting for my dad.
He lives in CA and makes 6 figures, owns his home outright, and helped raise his stepdaughter's kids because she was a single mom. I have gone to visit him in CA at least 10 times over the past 18 years, 4 times of my own volition without any financial help (a feat considering my income is less than 1/10th my dad's). My dad has come to Colorado to visit 3 times in the 18 years I've lived here. Once because my brother graduated college, the second and third just to visit.  The last time he visited, my 2nd son was about 10 months old. He's 6 1/2 now. He has never met the twins, but he does call once or twice a year and sit quietly on the phone in awkward silence out of obligation to stay in touch. He sends a lot of junk email my way every month. Every Christmas, he sends a check and on my birthday he sends a card. My children are his only grandchildren, and they don't receive cards, birthday wishes, phone calls, etc. In all, they are not important enough to come visit even every 5 years. Cool if he can't visit, but maybe invite us down to visit him? Every time I visited, I just let him know i was going to be in town.
So back to the point, he calls to chastise me for what has happened and doesn't have anything else to say about anything after that. He didn't call to see how I was holding up, didn't care to ask what happened. I told him anyway. He spouted his ideals without understanding the situation, and once he did, he got quiet. I felt like telling him how insulting it was for him to call me and try to parent me after not defending, helping, supporting or showing any kind of 'love' for the past 18 years aside from the occasional visit. When my grandparents disowned me for being a bastard child, he didn't stand up for me or mention the fact that it wasn't exactly my fault that i was born of a tawdry extra-marrital affair. He didn't stand up to my mom when he felt like she wasn't raising us properly, he just let her do it. I could go on, but you get the picture. Should I feel upset that he's just calling to complain about my not doing things his way? Or should i just dismiss it? Do i write him a letter explaining his mistake? Would it do any good? Or do I just let it go and assume that he will never change, just write him off like he has written me off?

The thing I had to send to the social worker.

So i had to send a brief, really summarized version of my life story to the social worker for this case. I had a lot of trouble making it not be overly emotional cause i know it will get turned against me either way. Here it is. 

Personal history.

Born 1977.

Mom was married to her 1^st husband, but in the process of a divorce. She and her old high school flame (my dad) hooked up one night and shenanigans ensued.

My parents married about a year after I was born.

My sister was born the next year.

My dad adopted my two older brothers, worked 2 jobs and insisted that mom stay home since she was homeschooling. (I know, weird. Have parents raise the kids? absurd)

Mom wasn't happy with the amount dad brought home, so she started working here & there, Amway, Avon, whatever she could do from home. I mean by that, 15 hrs a day, of course.

She started dabbling in real estate, and met another guy when I was somewhere between 6-8 yrs old.

She divorced dad when I was 8 and moved in with new guy. (She was underhanded about it. She bought a fixer, and moved in, telling dad he wasn't welcome. Then she got a divorce)

New guy was a drunk and molested me until I was 11, when I woke up to discover what he was doing and confronted him (I had 'weird' dreams a lot.)

My brother is still upset about it because he 'bonded' with new guy and I 'ruined' his chance of a 'normal' childhood. My dad wouldn't let him have everything he wanted like mom did, and he didn't care for that. He turned to death metal and satanism, which he has thankfully outgrown, but he is still the creepy guy you don't leave your kids alone with.

We visited dad every other weekend, mom often said she would drop all of us off at his little apartment when he said he could raise us better, and he would back down because he didn't have anywhere for us to live (in other words, dad was spineless and didn't think it was worth fighting for). She constantly told us that they divorced because dad was boring and wouldn't take her dancing.

Living with mom, we moved often, the longest we stayed anywhere was 4 years. It is hard to run from your past when you live in the same house. She would buy a house, fix it up and we would move. Always lived in the same general area of So. Cal, but never made friends, never had roots. Mom wasn't social, unless it was without us.

Mom always said friends were too time consuming so she didn't have any, unless they were guys.

She became a work-a-holic and we never saw much of her. She worked from home, but was constantly locked in her office, 5am to midnight was common, or making real estate deals, vowing to never be poor again (and she hasn't been, at any expense. Pretty sure she garnered a deal with the devil for her soul, but that's speculation. He never visited personally). At one point she got an office and had 4 companies that she ran, almost single handedly. Very successful. When life hands you lemons, stage a hostile take-over.

She left molester guy when I complained about being fondled.

I went through a pretty rough few years, got into drugs (marijuana and alcohol) which I got from friends. (I mean, who wouldn't have a problem with realizing your parents don't care about you.)

I tried to clean up by moving in with my dad in a different town (only 45 min away) & starting private school.

While I was gone, mom took molester guy back 'because she needed a handyman.' He kept drinking, so she kicked him out again. (Forget that my sister still lived in the house, she wasn't important enough to protect. Mom needed a handyman and sex.)

I moved back in after that because I couldn't deal with dad's Lutheran lifestyle either and the stigma at the private school was stifling. They labelled me a 'bad seed' and suspended me on the suspicion that I might have been doing drugs. I hadn't, but it was fun being profiled. (leave it to the Christians to go against what they preach among their own. Oh, I guess that's like every other organization out there). I got back into drugs and alcohol, then tried to clean myself up again for the sake of my friends who cared.

Mom met another new guy and they got married. He was into big & fancy everything, so we went on a lot of vacations and had a lot of fun while he was around.

As soon as I got a job and started to make progress (and form bonds with friends, do well in school, etc), mom thought it would be better for us to move out of California. It was right about the time of OC's bankruptcy or just before. I was just 15 or so when we moved. She moved my sister & I into a house that she bought so we wouldn't miss any school, and then went back to CA to finish up moving.

I got back into drinking, figured out it was more fun to watch other people drink and make fun of them rather than drink myself. SO I quit drinking again and got pregnant with my first within 6 months. Her father was raised strictly, very religiously, and I figured he would quickly snap out of his drinking & drugging phase when he found out, but I was wrong. I wanted to give her up for adoption so I could finish school & travel, but her father wouldn't let me. I offered her to my mom to raise but she said no, she didn't want a baby. He said he would take her and sue me for child support and I would never get to live my dreams because he wanted to get married and I refused because he wouldn't give up the drugs. So my mom stepped in and called his bluff, he backed down, but I couldn't give her up without his consent. So I switched to a teen mom school (the high school didn't want other girls to see the consequences of sex, or so they told me), graduated early, got a job at McDonalds and lived with my mom.

I had dated a guy from church back in CA off & on for about 4 years at this point. We would see each other at summer camps, and he seemed like a good guy. I would visit his family for weekends, and they were all upstanding people, he lead the worship group for his youth group, his friends were nice, etc. He moved out to CO when I was 18 and we got married. 15 minutes after we got married, he said he was really a gay vampire, and he switched into this completely different person. I thought it was a joke, and stuck it out for a couple of months, mom saying things like 'you made your bed...' until my family saw the abuse and helped me leave. My brothers ran him off, and he has since sought meds. (He's actually a pretty cool person now that he's medicated again).

I got an apartment at a low income place, got a job, and started school for auto mechanics, (there was affirmative action and I learned I could make 50/hr as a mechanic). I liked working with my hands, made it a year and a half, then started having health problems. My back always hurt, I had constant migraines, and I was suddenly allergic to everything. Doctors had me on anti-depressants, narcotics for the headaches, allergy medication, vitamins, and birth control, hoping something would work. I dropped out of school, quit the job, and just lived on assistance for a while until I found a doctor who helped me. Migraines, back pain & allergies were gone, so I got a job at an oil change place.

That's where I met the boys' dad. He seemed dark & mysterious (which was appealing for some reason), and I was going through a 'bad boy' phase. I had no idea what work release was, no idea he was a criminal (he didn't exactly mention it), and we had a great 6 months together. After about 3 of those months, he started spinning the tale of his convictions, which I firmly believed even though most of it was lies. Then he started to get weird, saying that he was following me, tapped my phone, and was going to kill me. I realize now it was just the meth that he & his brother & sister were doing. He was stealing from me, cheating on me, controlling me, etc. I got pregnant, even though I had an IUD. After I had my 2nd, the dad was still doing drugs, and his probation officer called and asked for information. I told him the truth about what the dad had been doing, and he promptly got to ride the bus back to jail.

I worked here & there, retail or waitressing, but with the kids, the day care expenses were too high. That's when my other brother, who had recently gotten married, offered to let me have his wife's cleaning business because she was pregnant. She came over and watched the kids while I worked, and it was great. I met a guy (online) who was a fire fighter and he came up for a visit. We got along really well, and he was very smart. He came over about a year later, and we got married, the big ceremony and all. I suffered 3 horrible miscarriages that year (because his parents wanted an heir for their 'throne') so he threw in the towel when I was pregnant for the 4^th time. That pregnancy stuck, and I was alone. Along comes previous guy again, now 30, reformed, cleaned up, newly ordained, and even my family was convinced that he was on the up & up. He moved back in after a few months, then said he couldn't live in the house where my ex-husband lived (which I owned, it was a newly built triplex where I lived for free because of the other 2 units). So I gave it back to my mom, who had financed it (in retrospect, I should have just rented out the 3^rd unit, but I was very pregnant and James wouldn't help with the work). I bought another house that I could live in almost free, and we all moved into it. It was not a great house by any standard. Within 2 months of moving in, he was back on drugs and cheating on me again. I called the police for advice and they told me it was a civil matter. I called my family, but they were strangely reserved. They offered to take the kids, but not me. I kicked him out, but he would move back in when I left for work (yes, he broke in. it was great.). He would rape me, yell & scream, hit me, threaten, and even bragged about drugging my food & drinks with meth to get me hooked. I was then quite pregnant with 3^rd baby, and he told me that he would kill the baby if I brought him into the house. He said if I tried to leave, he would slit my throat and take 2^nd baby. He bragged the same to his teenage girlfriend, who came by to warn me (well, she was really gloating, but who cares). When he was being violent, the kids would hide in their rooms and turn on music really loud. I was so ashamed. My family offered to adopt the new baby, but I said I wanted out too. So I took them up on their offer to adopt him and figured within a couple of weeks I could get away without getting killed. I would wake up to him on top of me, having broken in, punching me in the face and having his way with me. I was so afraid he would kill me if I said anything to anyone. Even when the cops came by, I was convinced (as he told me) one of his drug buddies would come kill me the next day, so I would tell them I was fine and ask if I could just be allowed to go to my mom's. By January, I was pregnant with 4^th baby – I hadn't even had a period yet after having 3^rd baby. Within 8 weeks of that, I got rid of him. Nobody would help me, the battered women's shelter said they were full, the homeless shelter was dangerous, the cops wouldn't help, so I found out what his pet peeve was and played on it. He hated weak women, so I went to his girlfriends' house and begged for him to come home 'because I loved him' and he stopped breaking in (while I was home anyway. He still broke in to steal stuff), stopped coming by, but he didn't stop stalking me. I had to sell the house, testify against him in court (the court offered to pay for counseling for the kids, which was wonderful. However, after only a few sessions, they told me I would have to pay on my own, which I couldn't afford at $100/hr), and not have any bills in my name. I hoped it would be enough to keep him away. His sister led him right to me. She knew what was going on, and we were on speaking terms at the time, but her brother came first. I had a restraining order, but when it expired I couldn't get it renewed (because there were no new threats according to police. They told me he actually had to threaten me, driving by and sitting outside my house didn't count.) The sister was getting married soon, and asked if 2^nd child, now about 6, could be in the wedding. I said yes on the condition that his dangerous father wasn't there (because of the nature of the threats to steal him). She promised that he wouldn't be and assured me that she would keep my son safe from his father, understanding the danger he was to us. The week before the wedding, she withdrew her promise, so I told her that my son couldn't go. She then sued me for the price of the tux rental. The mediator was aghast that she was trying to teach me a lesson, as she said. I offered to settle 50/50 because I had a new baby at home and didn't want to waste my time going to trial over $84. The mediator suggested strongly that she take it, and she did. She also sued a place after she got drunk on the property next to it, stepped in a hole & broke her ankle.

During all of this, I lived by running a home child care. I was having a lot of problems with 2^nd child because of his fathers influence. My son would smear poop on the walls, poop his pants, and had a lot of other bowel issues. I took him to the doctor and our natural doctor several times, we tried laxatives, special diets, vitamins, discipline, treats for not doing it, ignoring it, etc, but nobody had the answer for why he was playing with his poop. I asked my family for help, and they said they would only help if I did things their way, which I was terrified of. Things like putting him in sports, sending him to school, even going to the park would be a disaster because he would put his fingers into his rear end and then wipe the poop on things. He refused to do his lessons in homeschool (we tried the district school at home at one point), so my mom finally offered to help get the kids into 'good' schools (he and 1^st child had gone to a good school for a while, but my mom changed her mind and then told the school district that the kids didn't live with her. Granted, they never did). So 2^nd child moved in with my mom in another area for appearances sake, and she put him in another good school. She couldn't handle the poop issue either, so she sent him home, but promised to let him finish the year at the school. I told her I couldn't drive him to school because of the child care, so she suggested he should ride his bike the mile or so to her house, where he could pick up the bus. He was about 7 or 8 at this point. I agreed, and then she told the school district how terrible I was for letting him ride his bike that far, and said he didn't live with her anyway. So the kids had to switch schools again, and he went to a not-so-good school. He immediately started stealing from other students, and brought ammunition to school, which he showed off to everyone. I was still begging my family for help, in the form of a male influence. He was still playing with his poop, and was about 9 by now. I converted the upstairs of my house into apartment rooms with a separate entrance so I wouldn't have to have the day care anymore (for various reasons). I wanted to return to school and the day care didn't allow time for that. I got a job at a retail establishment right about the time I met Jason. He was working at a hardware store and lived off the grid with his dogs. He was very intelligent and would read a lot. The kids liked him, I liked him, and we had fun. It was about over, though, and we were surprised with the pregnancy with the twins. I had been monitoring my fertility and had apparently gotten it wrong. Well, I learned later that a woman can get pregnant 6 days before she ovulates, not just 3 when the body shows signs of it. Anyway, I considered abortion in the first weeks, but talked to friends who had had abortions and were fine with it, researched the daylights out of it, and realized that they are my babies, and I can't kill them. I love them. So I talked things over with him and gave him a list of 'demands' if he wanted to make things work. He agreed, and we have been together ever since. He was very good to us, helping my son with his issues, even so far as to get him to stop pooping in his pants and smearing it on the walls. He and my friend got my son reading in one semester. They would do military style training together (the other kids would get in on it too sometimes). Yes, he was very strict, but it was the male influence that my son needed so desperately that my family wouldn't help me with. He treated my kids as if they were his own. My son was still having problems, and they progressed from bad to worse, but some were getting better, so we thought there was good progress. I kept telling him that my son needs more help than we can provide. He always believed that my son would figure it out and straighten out. I was looking in to group homes, DYC, as my son started hurting and killing small animals. DHS came out and chatted with us, offered to help with getting him into sports and counseling, then it never happened. It was about that time that our house burned down. It was just an electrical fire in the basement, but it was enough that we couldn't live in the house anymore, and the insurance wouldn't cover enough of it. We couldn't afford that house anyway, what with me being home with the twins not working, and my husband only bringing home 400 more than the mortgage. So we opted to get a free trailer off Craigslist and move onto our property in the desert. It was a pretty tough life, but it was all we could afford. Jason said as long as he could still work, he would rather be poor than live in government housing, and I agreed. We wanted to have a house built within 2 years. The girls would go to town every day for showers, even just the bathroom because we didn't like going outside. Then she lied to the police and said my husband had molested her. They said she was lying, she eventually admitted it, but DHS came out anyway. We spoke with a child counselor type person a few times, more promises were made about getting my son into sports, counseling, etc, but nothing came of it even after repeated calls to the social worker. They told us they couldn't help us with my son at one point, and said we were doing everything we could. They did, however, manage to give us some socks and diapers, which was appreciated. They came out a few times, said everything was fine, and left. After that, they would call saying they had gotten calls about me not feeding my kids or having water, and they would just say they figured it was unsubstantiated and let it go. My daughter moved in with her father in Texas and life seemed to resume. I was working, my husband was working when I wasn't, and we were saving up to build the house. My son at that point had managed to kill the rest of the animals (5 rabbits and 15 more chickens), hid blades in the beds so his little brother would get cut up, and tried to kill one of the twins whenever he was left alone with her. We restricted his access, but every time he would start to behave well again, the same thing would happen again.

Then the trespassers, jail time, and Jason lost his job due to 'non-attendance' (because he was in jail). So that left my retail job, and that was it. The case was pending for nearly a year, and he couldn't find work with the pending trial and charges. I took a job in ND in September, and went up for my first 3 weeks. Everything seemed to be fine at home, my son was doing a lot better with his studies and the time-outs seemed to be working. The doctor explained puberty to him, and he seemed to do really well with just letting us know when he needed some time to himself.