The weekend for me is Thursday & Friday, don't get too confused. I accomplished quite a bit this 'weekend.' It was nice, although my frustration level is through the roof with my husband.
So I took the cardboard bolt-holders my friend A gave me, and ironed, organized and rolled all of my large fabric pieces onto those. Then I put all of my sewing patterns onto one shelf, hung another shelf in the living room, put some books on it, then baked 3 or 4 dozen cookies (they turned out really weird for some reason, don't know why), re-covered 2 living room pillows, cleaned the bathroom, cut up 3 heads of lettuce, went to a loan closing (yay!), ironed a bunch of shirts, put away clean laundry, signed up to sell It Works! wraps & products, made a commission with it, packed up some stuff in the desert, knitted two stuffed bunnies, and organized and cleaned out my jewelry collection which helped me discover that a lot of it has been broken by toddlers, and the rest of it is in dire need of polishing.
I feel like all I did was work all weekend. No rest. My dear husband just sat and watched youtube for both days. I mean, Judge Judy re-runs on youtube. It was sad and frustrating.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I hope the changes worked!
I changed this so that you would get an email when I post because I couldn't figure out how to change it so it would end up in your RSS feed. Hey, this whole blogging thing is new to me!
Thanks for reading!
Jen
Thanks for reading!
Jen
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
treatment team meeting
Today we had the treatment team meeting, which is a meeting with all of the members who offer treatment to our family.
It began in an awkward fashion. When the people started to arrive, there was a palpable tension in the air. It probably didn't help that all of this stress makes me really emotional and the thought of not getting my family back is overwhelming.
First the CASA rep came in.
Next came, at the same time, the case worker and one of the therapists. The case worker did not greet us, but had a sour look on her face like she was expecting us to gouge her eyes out or something. The therapist didn't greet us either, but lacked the dread.
We all went into the conference room and sat down, everything still really tense. Andrea, the case worker, started. She went around the room asking for updates on everything and giving an update on my mom, saying that she is in pretty bad shape, and starting a round of super-extreme chemo today in New York. She said that, as the eternal optimist, mom is saying how great things are going. She said they are going to have to look at alternatives for placement if we end up not trying to reunite. I explained that 'great' to my mom is relative, normal is 30, having cancer is 70, she is excited that she's only at 7,000 instead of 8,000 because of treatments. I was pretty upset but told them that, while I want her to get better, I don't want her to keep my kids, which is what she wants. It was all I could do to stay composed for this meeting!
Next the CASA started with S's first day of school. He refused to wipe down the table for the teacher and seems to enjoy disobeying because he has a sense of control in it. She next stated that he has visions and ideals that I am living in a hotel and my husband is not in the picture, but S and I will ride off into the sunset together. The CASA then told us about the girls, how A got bit by another boy at daycare for the second time. The daycare worker is now coming up with alternatives because A and the boy are both dominant and, while they hold their own in a fight, they are escalating their fight for dominance. Z, on the other hand, while aggressive, loves babies, and the baby in the daycare is her dolly. She attempts to drag the baby around by the neck, pet the baby's face (which, given her lack of gentility, means gouge), and the rule is now, 'Z, don't touch the baby. you know the rules.' Z usually complies, but she just adores babies. Next week, they start preschool. I am heartbroken that I will miss it!
Next the male therapist started. He is a therapist to C, E and the family when they meet as a group. It isn't our family therapy. He started with E, how he is now playing guitar, loves to read, and is still very angry. E isn't supposed to meet with this therapist anymore because he is only a short-term guy, so E is being transferred to another therapist. E doesn't want to have anything to do with me yet, but I made it clear that I want my children, and I want to have therapy sessions with him. I'm pretty upset that he doesn't want to see me still. This therapist then told me about C, and how she still wants therapy with me. I have always been reluctant because for her, I know it would just be a session for her to vent and accuse me of things that didn't happen while I get to sit there and seem unreceptive. I have been against it, but decided to look at it from the perspective that, if I want therapy with the rest of the children, having it with C will be a gateway to prove that I want to heal the rift.
The case worker asked if I was really working for all of my kids or just the girls. I apologized for not clarifying previously and had tears in my eyes again, that my goal is for all of my children, for my family to be reunited. She then asked J the same question. He responded that he is scared to death of E and that he understands that his reactions and attitudes can't be trusted. (J just recently started on medication for his paranoia and PTSD and has been a space cadet ever since) The case worker was glad that he made that admission.
The crux of this big meeting came down to the treatment team wanting us to be accountable for the story that the kids keep telling about the abuse. They heard ours, they heard the kids' but the reality is that the kids were traumatized by something that was likely somewhere in the middle. It varies from ours because of perspective, according to the therapists. The case worker said that they don't believe J about the abuse to C because he denies the abuse to E as well, and there is proof of that. I asked questions about what I'm supposed to be doing to get the kids back, and they said, 'that's like asking what color is round?' There is no list of where to start, which hoops to jump through, because I have a character disorder, or personality disorder. They tried to sum it up in things like how many hats I know how to wear. I am good at the three hats my parents are good at wearing: dad is funny & stoic, mom is victim and stoic. I combine them, but never learned the skills of holding my own emotions like a grown up, I just dissociated. So my job is now to work on becoming normal, with normal reactions, normal behaviors and normal normalness! Here is a list of what they told me to get started with (in therapy and with my friends, so this means you! I hope you're up to the task!)
Read Dr Young's assessment, which is just the diagnosis and explanation of the diagnosis.
Research Character disorders. Figure out what it means and how to fix it. Then do it.
The goal is to have a Permanent Meaningful Lasting Change and safe place for the kids to grow up.
Accountability for what happened, which looks like this: Here is what happened, here are the roles we all played, here is how it started, accept the responsibility for all of it.
Work on with my therapist:
cognitive strategies for memory
boundaries
connect with the discrepancies
take off the teacher/educator hat and put on the other hats. (i have to figure out what they are).
role play in therapy, with the therapist being each of the kids, and me dealing with all of their issues in turn.
Hope this works out! Feel free to help as much as you can. They say that character disorders, while inherited through the teachings of our parents, take a very long time to fix. I only have a few months.
It began in an awkward fashion. When the people started to arrive, there was a palpable tension in the air. It probably didn't help that all of this stress makes me really emotional and the thought of not getting my family back is overwhelming.
First the CASA rep came in.
Next came, at the same time, the case worker and one of the therapists. The case worker did not greet us, but had a sour look on her face like she was expecting us to gouge her eyes out or something. The therapist didn't greet us either, but lacked the dread.
We all went into the conference room and sat down, everything still really tense. Andrea, the case worker, started. She went around the room asking for updates on everything and giving an update on my mom, saying that she is in pretty bad shape, and starting a round of super-extreme chemo today in New York. She said that, as the eternal optimist, mom is saying how great things are going. She said they are going to have to look at alternatives for placement if we end up not trying to reunite. I explained that 'great' to my mom is relative, normal is 30, having cancer is 70, she is excited that she's only at 7,000 instead of 8,000 because of treatments. I was pretty upset but told them that, while I want her to get better, I don't want her to keep my kids, which is what she wants. It was all I could do to stay composed for this meeting!
Next the CASA started with S's first day of school. He refused to wipe down the table for the teacher and seems to enjoy disobeying because he has a sense of control in it. She next stated that he has visions and ideals that I am living in a hotel and my husband is not in the picture, but S and I will ride off into the sunset together. The CASA then told us about the girls, how A got bit by another boy at daycare for the second time. The daycare worker is now coming up with alternatives because A and the boy are both dominant and, while they hold their own in a fight, they are escalating their fight for dominance. Z, on the other hand, while aggressive, loves babies, and the baby in the daycare is her dolly. She attempts to drag the baby around by the neck, pet the baby's face (which, given her lack of gentility, means gouge), and the rule is now, 'Z, don't touch the baby. you know the rules.' Z usually complies, but she just adores babies. Next week, they start preschool. I am heartbroken that I will miss it!
Next the male therapist started. He is a therapist to C, E and the family when they meet as a group. It isn't our family therapy. He started with E, how he is now playing guitar, loves to read, and is still very angry. E isn't supposed to meet with this therapist anymore because he is only a short-term guy, so E is being transferred to another therapist. E doesn't want to have anything to do with me yet, but I made it clear that I want my children, and I want to have therapy sessions with him. I'm pretty upset that he doesn't want to see me still. This therapist then told me about C, and how she still wants therapy with me. I have always been reluctant because for her, I know it would just be a session for her to vent and accuse me of things that didn't happen while I get to sit there and seem unreceptive. I have been against it, but decided to look at it from the perspective that, if I want therapy with the rest of the children, having it with C will be a gateway to prove that I want to heal the rift.
The case worker asked if I was really working for all of my kids or just the girls. I apologized for not clarifying previously and had tears in my eyes again, that my goal is for all of my children, for my family to be reunited. She then asked J the same question. He responded that he is scared to death of E and that he understands that his reactions and attitudes can't be trusted. (J just recently started on medication for his paranoia and PTSD and has been a space cadet ever since) The case worker was glad that he made that admission.
The crux of this big meeting came down to the treatment team wanting us to be accountable for the story that the kids keep telling about the abuse. They heard ours, they heard the kids' but the reality is that the kids were traumatized by something that was likely somewhere in the middle. It varies from ours because of perspective, according to the therapists. The case worker said that they don't believe J about the abuse to C because he denies the abuse to E as well, and there is proof of that. I asked questions about what I'm supposed to be doing to get the kids back, and they said, 'that's like asking what color is round?' There is no list of where to start, which hoops to jump through, because I have a character disorder, or personality disorder. They tried to sum it up in things like how many hats I know how to wear. I am good at the three hats my parents are good at wearing: dad is funny & stoic, mom is victim and stoic. I combine them, but never learned the skills of holding my own emotions like a grown up, I just dissociated. So my job is now to work on becoming normal, with normal reactions, normal behaviors and normal normalness! Here is a list of what they told me to get started with (in therapy and with my friends, so this means you! I hope you're up to the task!)
Read Dr Young's assessment, which is just the diagnosis and explanation of the diagnosis.
Research Character disorders. Figure out what it means and how to fix it. Then do it.
The goal is to have a Permanent Meaningful Lasting Change and safe place for the kids to grow up.
Accountability for what happened, which looks like this: Here is what happened, here are the roles we all played, here is how it started, accept the responsibility for all of it.
Work on with my therapist:
cognitive strategies for memory
boundaries
connect with the discrepancies
take off the teacher/educator hat and put on the other hats. (i have to figure out what they are).
role play in therapy, with the therapist being each of the kids, and me dealing with all of their issues in turn.
Hope this works out! Feel free to help as much as you can. They say that character disorders, while inherited through the teachings of our parents, take a very long time to fix. I only have a few months.
my conversation with God
The other day, I was standing at work, as usual, trying to run through thoughts instead of getting stuck on one like I usually do. Sometimes I end up praying for the majority of my thoughts, as was the case on this day. I apologize in advance if my conversational style offends you.
"God, please give my children back. You said you would give us the desires of our hearts."
(no response.)
"Please, God, there is nothing I want more than to have my children back. Please help me!"
"What else did I say?"
(pause for thought. I wasn't expecting a response because I usually don't get them until I have a one-sided conversation for a while) "Um, you said to forgive our enemies."
"Ya."
"Ok, that's a tough one. I can forgive her for betraying me but I can't just be friends with her."
"I didn't tell you to be friends with her."
"Oh ya."
"What else?"
"Pray for my enemies." Funny how what God wants to 'talk' about comes to mind.
"Yep."
"Ok, here goes. God, please bless her and change her heart to be more like yours."
"That's a little underhanded, but it's a good prayer and a good start. You can do better."
"I'm not ready."
"I wouldn't tell you to do it if you weren't ready."
"Thanks a lot."
"You're welcome."
"Ok fine. As my Lord and in an attempt to do your will. God, please bless her and give her peace."
"I'll take it for now. What else?"
"You want me to tithe."
"You're a bit overdue."
"But I don't have enough."
"I could take away what you do have."
"Ok fine."
Next comes to mind a picture I saw a while ago of a little boy in Africa who was squatting down, crying, and nothing more than a skeleton. No tears, just thin lips in the shape of wailing, and sad eyes with the bony fingers placed on the sides of the skin-wrapped skull. I could see every rib, the sternum, and every joint pressed tightly to his skin.
"You have never truly been hungry." God whispered. My eyes welled with tears.
"I have to do something."
"Yes you do."
" I can sponsor a child."
"you can do more than that."
"Ok, I can sponsor a child for each of my children up to 10% of my income."
"It's a start."
"Alright, I will do it. You promised that you would open the floodgates of heaven if I tithe. I'm really trusting You on this. There isn't even enough money to make half of my bills this month. I trust You."
So I went on my lunch break, used my smart phone and sponsored a little boy. They didn't have any boys to sponsor who were born on E's birthday, so I looked for the oldest boy available. He is ten, lives in rural central Mexico, and loves to do all the things my son used to love doing before all of this happened. He plays with cars, and runs errands for his family, which includes two brothers, a mother and father. His father works in agriculture which often takes him away for weeks. The boy gets mocked for being so poor. They live in a make-shift house and, though he's 10, he has never been to school. I sent him an email (it gets translated and delivered snail mail) that said I was glad to sponsor him and looked forward to hearing from him soon.
Next I sponsored a boy who was born on S's birthday. The only one was in Africa, in a very sensitive area religiously. Most are Muslim, so I have to be really careful about what I write. I am only allowed to offer blessings and peace, nothing to do with God because it could jeopardize the entire World Vision operation in that area. The little boy doesn't get to go to school, but runs errands for his mother. He has 2 brothers, 2 sisters, a mother and father, and they live in an area where most people have AIDS. They said that my funding will go towards whatever he needs, but it made me want to sponsor the whole family since it's the same size as mine. Unfortunately that option isn't available.
Unfortunately, I don't have enough money to sponsor 2 more kids yet, so on my next pay day, I will send a gift of two chickens and a goat to someone, which is 10% of that paycheck. I'm very excited about this! When I was about ten, my sister and I heard a presentation about sponsoring children through World Vision at our church. My mom relented at the constant begging to sponsor children, so my sister and I each got to sponsor a girl in Africa. We were not nearly as diligent as we should have been with sending the cards and stickers back, but my mom sent the money every month (it was a great deduction, and I happen to need some of those now as well). I saw pictures of the girl growing up until she married at the ripe old age of 14, as per culture in her area. At least she got nine years of education.
I checked out other areas of the website and found that I can give gifts and get a gift back, which for me would be a talking point. I like talking about things I support, and helping people is something I'm passionate about! So I can give a gift and receive a necklace or bag that was made by one of the communities where WV is stationed, and then when people comment on the item, I can tell them all about how to get one!
Ok, so the point here is that I had a conversation with God and He told me to do what He says to and then watch Him do what He says He will. I'm very hopeful and have faith that He will keep His end of the bargain. The last time I tithed was several years ago. I tithed everything I received, like food stamps, income, even when I bartered for things. The giving spirit is infectious. I thought my bank account would suddenly start accruing large amounts of interest because the Bible says He will return it 100-fold. That's not really how it worked though. What I discovered was that my dollars stretched more than I could have ever dreamed. For example, I used to receive about 200 a month in food stamps, and about the same in income. I found that if I bought $20 in food and gave it to the food shelter, that $180 would last me the whole month, whereas it typically didn't even come close. I would find sales more often, and better deals just seemed to always be right in front of me. Who knows, maybe my tastes changed too! Regardless, it worked.
"God, please give my children back. You said you would give us the desires of our hearts."
(no response.)
"Please, God, there is nothing I want more than to have my children back. Please help me!"
"What else did I say?"
(pause for thought. I wasn't expecting a response because I usually don't get them until I have a one-sided conversation for a while) "Um, you said to forgive our enemies."
"Ya."
"Ok, that's a tough one. I can forgive her for betraying me but I can't just be friends with her."
"I didn't tell you to be friends with her."
"Oh ya."
"What else?"
"Pray for my enemies." Funny how what God wants to 'talk' about comes to mind.
"Yep."
"Ok, here goes. God, please bless her and change her heart to be more like yours."
"That's a little underhanded, but it's a good prayer and a good start. You can do better."
"I'm not ready."
"I wouldn't tell you to do it if you weren't ready."
"Thanks a lot."
"You're welcome."
"Ok fine. As my Lord and in an attempt to do your will. God, please bless her and give her peace."
"I'll take it for now. What else?"
"You want me to tithe."
"You're a bit overdue."
"But I don't have enough."
"I could take away what you do have."
"Ok fine."
Next comes to mind a picture I saw a while ago of a little boy in Africa who was squatting down, crying, and nothing more than a skeleton. No tears, just thin lips in the shape of wailing, and sad eyes with the bony fingers placed on the sides of the skin-wrapped skull. I could see every rib, the sternum, and every joint pressed tightly to his skin.
"You have never truly been hungry." God whispered. My eyes welled with tears.
"I have to do something."
"Yes you do."
" I can sponsor a child."
"you can do more than that."
"Ok, I can sponsor a child for each of my children up to 10% of my income."
"It's a start."
"Alright, I will do it. You promised that you would open the floodgates of heaven if I tithe. I'm really trusting You on this. There isn't even enough money to make half of my bills this month. I trust You."
So I went on my lunch break, used my smart phone and sponsored a little boy. They didn't have any boys to sponsor who were born on E's birthday, so I looked for the oldest boy available. He is ten, lives in rural central Mexico, and loves to do all the things my son used to love doing before all of this happened. He plays with cars, and runs errands for his family, which includes two brothers, a mother and father. His father works in agriculture which often takes him away for weeks. The boy gets mocked for being so poor. They live in a make-shift house and, though he's 10, he has never been to school. I sent him an email (it gets translated and delivered snail mail) that said I was glad to sponsor him and looked forward to hearing from him soon.
Next I sponsored a boy who was born on S's birthday. The only one was in Africa, in a very sensitive area religiously. Most are Muslim, so I have to be really careful about what I write. I am only allowed to offer blessings and peace, nothing to do with God because it could jeopardize the entire World Vision operation in that area. The little boy doesn't get to go to school, but runs errands for his mother. He has 2 brothers, 2 sisters, a mother and father, and they live in an area where most people have AIDS. They said that my funding will go towards whatever he needs, but it made me want to sponsor the whole family since it's the same size as mine. Unfortunately that option isn't available.
Unfortunately, I don't have enough money to sponsor 2 more kids yet, so on my next pay day, I will send a gift of two chickens and a goat to someone, which is 10% of that paycheck. I'm very excited about this! When I was about ten, my sister and I heard a presentation about sponsoring children through World Vision at our church. My mom relented at the constant begging to sponsor children, so my sister and I each got to sponsor a girl in Africa. We were not nearly as diligent as we should have been with sending the cards and stickers back, but my mom sent the money every month (it was a great deduction, and I happen to need some of those now as well). I saw pictures of the girl growing up until she married at the ripe old age of 14, as per culture in her area. At least she got nine years of education.
I checked out other areas of the website and found that I can give gifts and get a gift back, which for me would be a talking point. I like talking about things I support, and helping people is something I'm passionate about! So I can give a gift and receive a necklace or bag that was made by one of the communities where WV is stationed, and then when people comment on the item, I can tell them all about how to get one!
Ok, so the point here is that I had a conversation with God and He told me to do what He says to and then watch Him do what He says He will. I'm very hopeful and have faith that He will keep His end of the bargain. The last time I tithed was several years ago. I tithed everything I received, like food stamps, income, even when I bartered for things. The giving spirit is infectious. I thought my bank account would suddenly start accruing large amounts of interest because the Bible says He will return it 100-fold. That's not really how it worked though. What I discovered was that my dollars stretched more than I could have ever dreamed. For example, I used to receive about 200 a month in food stamps, and about the same in income. I found that if I bought $20 in food and gave it to the food shelter, that $180 would last me the whole month, whereas it typically didn't even come close. I would find sales more often, and better deals just seemed to always be right in front of me. Who knows, maybe my tastes changed too! Regardless, it worked.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
What to do...
What do you do when you're out of things to write about? Do you make something up?
This week was a bit long. My neighbors are night owls, and I'm not. So I go to bed, and fall asleep. Beautiful, restful, dreamy, long awaited sleep. I get in to my incredibly strange dreams and work on figuring them out while still sleeping. this is mental work, I tell you! Within 2-3 hours, they all decide it's time to go to partay!!! They happily stagger across the noisy gravel to their chariot. Open & slam the groaning doors, giggling and cackling, then whip the beast into a pur (turn the key), which isn't loud but I'm already up, ready to start screaming from the window that some people around here aren't vampires, then they drive around the backside of the building which is under my windows. Wouldn't be so bad if the windows were closed, but it's 400 degrees inside so i leave them open. Then to add insult to fatigue, 15 minutes before my alarm goes off at 4:50, the kamikaze paperboy careens through the same path at 20 miles per minute, skidding and throwing newspapers at doors and gravel at the fence and cars sleepily dozing in their carports. Dude is horrifyingly reckless. We were running in the mornings, but he tries to run is down and circles around to make a second pass, then he ran over a kitten last week. Well, in all fairness, the lady across the street has 29 full grown cats, not including the fresh litter. I swear, if we ate cats, we would never go hungry in this neighborhood. So I haven't slept well this week. But that's ok, they moved my days off to Thursday/Friday instead of Fri/Sat, so i only had to work 4 days before getting a day to sleep in. I didn't get to sleep in though. I was up early, cleaning the kitchen, studying for my notary, and freezing. Yes, my crippled man forgot the cooler on last night, which he usually turns off around midnight, but it was hot last night. Well, I'm off to clean the tub so he can bathe, then I will go to work. :-) See? Boring! Any ideas?
This week was a bit long. My neighbors are night owls, and I'm not. So I go to bed, and fall asleep. Beautiful, restful, dreamy, long awaited sleep. I get in to my incredibly strange dreams and work on figuring them out while still sleeping. this is mental work, I tell you! Within 2-3 hours, they all decide it's time to go to partay!!! They happily stagger across the noisy gravel to their chariot. Open & slam the groaning doors, giggling and cackling, then whip the beast into a pur (turn the key), which isn't loud but I'm already up, ready to start screaming from the window that some people around here aren't vampires, then they drive around the backside of the building which is under my windows. Wouldn't be so bad if the windows were closed, but it's 400 degrees inside so i leave them open. Then to add insult to fatigue, 15 minutes before my alarm goes off at 4:50, the kamikaze paperboy careens through the same path at 20 miles per minute, skidding and throwing newspapers at doors and gravel at the fence and cars sleepily dozing in their carports. Dude is horrifyingly reckless. We were running in the mornings, but he tries to run is down and circles around to make a second pass, then he ran over a kitten last week. Well, in all fairness, the lady across the street has 29 full grown cats, not including the fresh litter. I swear, if we ate cats, we would never go hungry in this neighborhood. So I haven't slept well this week. But that's ok, they moved my days off to Thursday/Friday instead of Fri/Sat, so i only had to work 4 days before getting a day to sleep in. I didn't get to sleep in though. I was up early, cleaning the kitchen, studying for my notary, and freezing. Yes, my crippled man forgot the cooler on last night, which he usually turns off around midnight, but it was hot last night. Well, I'm off to clean the tub so he can bathe, then I will go to work. :-) See? Boring! Any ideas?
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
This week
I am really enjoying the new job, and new responsibilities, but it seems like the new boss is constantly trying to re-affirm boundaries that are already estabilished. It is clear she doesn't trust me yet, but her reasons are a little strange: She seems to feel like I'm going to pull a hostile take-over or leave her out of the loop! Real insecurity issues, which is a new thing for me. She is incredibly diplomatic and forgiving, which helps! At the other job, today I got my official ID card and she asked if I will be signing up for benefits. I doubt I will, they don't cover my chiropractor, and for the same amount saved personally, I could pay for my own exams. The co-pay is still high, and they don't cover lab work until you've been with them for a year. Oh, but they cover glasses whether I get insurance or not! haha, that seems funny to me! I suppose if the kids were living at home, it would be a good idea to get insurance for them, as it is cheaper than paying out of pocket.
The new diet is becoming a strain, but I have lost 4-7 lbs (depending on what time of day I weigh).
I don't 'see' any results. This is frustrating. I know it will come, though. I am just eating healthy food 80% of the time and indulging in that 20% on a smaller, healthier scale. My version of unhealthy has become a scoop of ice cream instead of a bowl, an extra tablespoon of peanut butter with my celery, a glass of wine after dinner to ensure that I will sleep through the neighbor's party. I have stopped almost all of the gluten, all of the coffee, all of the eggs, and all of the nightshades. Combine that with my current restrictions of trying to not gain any more weight (i don't really care if i lose weight, i just don't want to gain any more), and you have quite a limited selection for eating. Lots of fruit, veggies, some rice, some meat (which we can't afford anyway). All the spice & season out of mexican food basically leaves tamales, which I loathe. Pasta in gluten free? Is there anything worse? And without garlic bread? What is the world coming to when an Italian-raised girl can't have half a loaf of garlic bread with her 4 cups of pasta for dinner?
I keep having this mental loop run through my head about my sister. She came to visit in the winter, here to CO, but never called while she was here. She stayed with my mom and visited my children. When she came for previous visits, she always made a point to leave my mom's company and go visit her friends. After she left, she sent a text to me saying she loved and missed me. I was told she was here for a week, but that isn't confirmed. She has had no contact with me and doesn't try to call. On my birthday, she sent a text saying she loved and missed me and happy birthday. I wish she wouldn't write at all anymore, it just makes me think about how little of a relationship we actually have. I have a closer relationship with my kitchen table than I do with her, and I don't even eat with my table, it just sits quietly in the corner, holding up my plants. Do you think I should do anything about this or just let it go?
The new diet is becoming a strain, but I have lost 4-7 lbs (depending on what time of day I weigh).
I don't 'see' any results. This is frustrating. I know it will come, though. I am just eating healthy food 80% of the time and indulging in that 20% on a smaller, healthier scale. My version of unhealthy has become a scoop of ice cream instead of a bowl, an extra tablespoon of peanut butter with my celery, a glass of wine after dinner to ensure that I will sleep through the neighbor's party. I have stopped almost all of the gluten, all of the coffee, all of the eggs, and all of the nightshades. Combine that with my current restrictions of trying to not gain any more weight (i don't really care if i lose weight, i just don't want to gain any more), and you have quite a limited selection for eating. Lots of fruit, veggies, some rice, some meat (which we can't afford anyway). All the spice & season out of mexican food basically leaves tamales, which I loathe. Pasta in gluten free? Is there anything worse? And without garlic bread? What is the world coming to when an Italian-raised girl can't have half a loaf of garlic bread with her 4 cups of pasta for dinner?
I keep having this mental loop run through my head about my sister. She came to visit in the winter, here to CO, but never called while she was here. She stayed with my mom and visited my children. When she came for previous visits, she always made a point to leave my mom's company and go visit her friends. After she left, she sent a text to me saying she loved and missed me. I was told she was here for a week, but that isn't confirmed. She has had no contact with me and doesn't try to call. On my birthday, she sent a text saying she loved and missed me and happy birthday. I wish she wouldn't write at all anymore, it just makes me think about how little of a relationship we actually have. I have a closer relationship with my kitchen table than I do with her, and I don't even eat with my table, it just sits quietly in the corner, holding up my plants. Do you think I should do anything about this or just let it go?
Friday, August 3, 2012
counseling session - actually interesting
Last night, J & I slept in the desert with the dogs. It was an interesting experience because he had his foot surgery and was still in a cast-like brace. Dogs, as we all know, aren't exactly delicate creatures, I was a bit worried that this was his version of over-doing it. He doesn't want help with anything, which is going to be a bit of a problem with him gimping around on crutches. I am thoroughly enjoying the vulnerability, which sounds sick & wrong, but I have a reason. He is always so independent and strong, I have to tell him how appreciative I am of the changes as soon as he wakes up. The drugs make him a bit tired, and the look of the 3 big incisions makes me queasy! Glad I never finished that radiology thing...I would have passed out at the sight of every patient!
Oh right yes, anyway, so back to all things relevant. Out in the desert, we decided to sleep on the deck because it has been really beautiful. We had to pull the mattress out onto the deck, which is a big deal because he can't and it's quite cumbersome for me. He pushed, I steered, it was humorous. Got the bed all set up, he got settled, and the dog pounced all over him with elation and hurt his foot repeatedly. We watched a movie on the laptop, then watched the fireworks all over town (we have a view of the entire town, end to end), and then watched shooting stars whiz across the eastern sky. It was a beautiful night with an immense full moon that would have kept me up all night had it not been for the heavy blanket I pulled over my head, which was a good idea because there was one mosquito who apparently didn't find me appetizing enough to make it through the blanket, and the dogs thinking my space was in fact theirs so they kept pushing me around. In other words, I didn't sleep well, but I had a wonderful evening. Getting the mattress back into the house, I told J to not bother helping because I was tired of him over-exerting himself to the point of swollen toes, so I ended up wobbling and hobbling that horribly large thing back into the house with a chuckling husband to keep watch. He finally asked, 'Do I look that silly when I move it?' I, of course, stroked that fragile one-legged ego with a coy smile, batting eyelashes and, 'Of course not, love.'
Back home, I had counseling in the morning which I was grateful for. This counselor I think is at a loss for what to do with me because neither of us know what the goals are for the sessions. However lost we are, though, we still manage to come up with goals and I give as much feedback as possible for how things are going. After my hormonal explosion last week, I explained all to her and included the doctor visit so that I could get myself back together. She asked what I would like to work on next, and I told her that I can't make decisions. How will I know when being assertive is the right move? I always feel like everyone is thinking circles around me while I manage to squeeze out one little thought. She wrote out the process for coming to conclusions and thinking through problems, which I can't tell you how immensely helpful that is because I get stuck on that all the time!
Here is the list with the points where I get stuck inserted in parenthesis:
1. Summarize what you're being asked to do (this doesn't often occur in reality, but whatever)
2. Give yourself time to think about it (I usually do this - I procrastinate until I have no options left)
3. Write down the options - all of them.
4. Take each option 1 at a time and consider the pros & cons. (I usually just pick the problem, and write the pros & cons for the problem, not the options. I usually get stuck because I feel like I'm missing something, then I abandon the effort)
5. Review the list.
6. Take a break - go for a walk, take a nap, watch a movie, do something to either distract yourself or think about it in another setting (I love this step, but never make it to the next one)
7. Come back to it - set a timer! (I just don't like this step, so I never get to it. Forget about the problem, procrastinate, whatever)
- Don't forget to check in with others, but the problem is that I usually present my problem to everyone until they tell me what to do because then I am not technically liable for my own decisions. It's a problem, just in case you couldn't tell. :-) So I look forward to actually doing these things!
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