Sometimes it is nice to get out and about and do things that are peaceful. Thursday was that day. I took a leap of faith and went out for a hike with a girl I didn't know, off a couch surfing website. She was in town for a day and wanted nothing more than to get out as her hosts were a bit home-bodied. We went to the Mica mines, but ended up derailed in a wrong turn down to Rough Canyon trail. Man, it was rough! Oh my! My body hurts a LOT today, but it was so very worth the company and the opportunity. We spoke at length about her desire to travel and not finish school because she would be forced into a degree that she wasn't sure she wanted.
Wait, you have a scholarship to a private college in San Diego and your parents are taking care of the remainder of your expenses, and you would prefer to work as a housekeeper in Alaska?
Yes.
Why...?
Well, there's this guy... and it might be good... and I want to see if it could be.
Well, ok, love makes us do really stupid things. All the stupider if it's young love. We each have a path and we walk it from birth until death. Living in fear is just as much a path as living on the edge and every variation inbetween. So one might as well live it to the degree that brings them satisfaction of some kind. Satisfaction, in turn, can look like everything from gluttony to martyrdom, choose carefully.
After the hike, I worked, then went to a training for the Harvest Ministries so that I could take care of the converts at the harvest america event on saturday. That was nice, although a girl came with her fettuccini alfredo and it made me very hungry for it!
I did an estimate that was obviously far above what the potential client could afford, and then called my dad to see if he could help with the tuition for the Klemmer event. I haven't heard back from him yet, so I'll call him tomorrow.
Today was fun! well, ok that's an overstatement. I woke early to go to a potential client's house for the wraps. We chatted for 2 1/2 hours and at the very end she finally signed up as a distributor!!! I am so excited! I am only one small order away from a bonus from my dear cousin/upline. Soon i shall qualify for a promotion which will grant me more income.
I then went and did an estimate, and the woman hired me to clean for her, which is excellent. Then I went to clean another house for a current client.
After that, I picked green beans and okra in the rain with little more than a sweatshirt to shield me, while listening to a book on my ipod. It was a lovely experience! The weather was so cold that a massive bumble bee sat on a leaf as I worked around it. Several ladybugs also hid from the rain on leaves all around me, and I considered how nice it would be to join them for some rest. I heard a strange sound behind me and turned to see a family of quail running through the garden. It was a lovely sight, and they make funny noises.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Visit with the kids
Today I had a wonderful visit with my kids. There is very little season left in which to enjoy the park, so we are enjoying the park. I try very hard to get pictures of the kids every time I go, but Abi so rarely holds still that it makes it difficult to get a good photo. Regardless, I snapped several blurry photos of the kids when I had my hands free (Zoe is always holding one of them reluctantly).
I arrived at the park a few minutes early and had a nice short conversation with my sister, in which she made a very feeble attempt to veil the lack of desire to see me, even when I was going to be much closer to her in a month. I asked her to come see me in San Francisco when I go next month, and she said she couldn't because she would be in Montana visiting Race and my stepdad with her boyfriend. I'm glad she is visiting them, but it hurts to know that she hasn't made any effort to see me at all in the past 10 years unless someone else paid for it. Even when she was in Colorado, she didn't come to see me. She went to see my kids, which is nice. She then lied and said she was never here to begin with. It hurts.
Anyway, back to the kids. I watched them pull up, Dave in another car this time. It is good that this car is better than the last one, a 1980's green dented BMW with a pole holding the front drivers seat upright and more food & trash on the floor than metal in the frame. This one is a tan Buick LeSabre, about 20 yrs old, with leather interior and none of the carseats properly fastened to said leather interior. Sebastian easily moved Abi's carseat 12-18 inches away from the back because it was crowding him. I had a mild panic attack. I cannot pretend that I don't harbor ill feelings towards my family at this point, but I won't let that alter my life. Too much.
The kids were excited to see me and jumped out of the car. Sebastian shared some Harry Potter jelly beans with me and they were, indeed, gross. I believe they came out of the car's ashtray to begin with, but the flavors didn't help either. We went to the table and sat, but the kids said they weren't hungry, so we went to play.
Side-note: It is very difficult to go play at a park with your kids for a mere 90 minutes per week whilst under the scrutiny of a biased observer. Do anything that she regretted doing when her kids were little and you'll see it on your report next week. Do anything that she deems anything other than perfect-parent-performance, and it ends up in your report as a weakness to be worked on. It's annoying. It's terrible. No parent should ever experience this without cause or reason. We had an extra observer today, Dorothy Rinderle. Dorothy is CASA and has her own agenda. I've caught her in lies but it doesn't matter. She doesn't care about ethics, she cares about her agenda. She is easily swayed by charm and my brother has a lot of it.
We played on the playground for almost the whole time. It was wonderful! Abi and Zoe wanted to go up the slides, so we played leapfrog. One comes down, I lift the other out of the way onto the top of the slide so she can slide down next. We played together with Sebastian, it was all so wonderful! I love my kids :-)
Zoe thought it would be hilarious to try to run to the road. She also thought it was fun to flip herself to the ground while I was holding her hand. Big smiles! It was lovely! We climbed, played monster, played leapfrog, kissed boo-boos, hugged, and the potty adventure began. Sebastian went his way, and I went with the girls to the ladies. Zoe went first (she's nearly potty trained!) and then Abi, and sebastian waited at the door as soon as he was done.
I arrived at the park a few minutes early and had a nice short conversation with my sister, in which she made a very feeble attempt to veil the lack of desire to see me, even when I was going to be much closer to her in a month. I asked her to come see me in San Francisco when I go next month, and she said she couldn't because she would be in Montana visiting Race and my stepdad with her boyfriend. I'm glad she is visiting them, but it hurts to know that she hasn't made any effort to see me at all in the past 10 years unless someone else paid for it. Even when she was in Colorado, she didn't come to see me. She went to see my kids, which is nice. She then lied and said she was never here to begin with. It hurts.
Anyway, back to the kids. I watched them pull up, Dave in another car this time. It is good that this car is better than the last one, a 1980's green dented BMW with a pole holding the front drivers seat upright and more food & trash on the floor than metal in the frame. This one is a tan Buick LeSabre, about 20 yrs old, with leather interior and none of the carseats properly fastened to said leather interior. Sebastian easily moved Abi's carseat 12-18 inches away from the back because it was crowding him. I had a mild panic attack. I cannot pretend that I don't harbor ill feelings towards my family at this point, but I won't let that alter my life. Too much.
The kids were excited to see me and jumped out of the car. Sebastian shared some Harry Potter jelly beans with me and they were, indeed, gross. I believe they came out of the car's ashtray to begin with, but the flavors didn't help either. We went to the table and sat, but the kids said they weren't hungry, so we went to play.
Side-note: It is very difficult to go play at a park with your kids for a mere 90 minutes per week whilst under the scrutiny of a biased observer. Do anything that she regretted doing when her kids were little and you'll see it on your report next week. Do anything that she deems anything other than perfect-parent-performance, and it ends up in your report as a weakness to be worked on. It's annoying. It's terrible. No parent should ever experience this without cause or reason. We had an extra observer today, Dorothy Rinderle. Dorothy is CASA and has her own agenda. I've caught her in lies but it doesn't matter. She doesn't care about ethics, she cares about her agenda. She is easily swayed by charm and my brother has a lot of it.
We played on the playground for almost the whole time. It was wonderful! Abi and Zoe wanted to go up the slides, so we played leapfrog. One comes down, I lift the other out of the way onto the top of the slide so she can slide down next. We played together with Sebastian, it was all so wonderful! I love my kids :-)
Zoe thought it would be hilarious to try to run to the road. She also thought it was fun to flip herself to the ground while I was holding her hand. Big smiles! It was lovely! We climbed, played monster, played leapfrog, kissed boo-boos, hugged, and the potty adventure began. Sebastian went his way, and I went with the girls to the ladies. Zoe went first (she's nearly potty trained!) and then Abi, and sebastian waited at the door as soon as he was done.
waited with magic fingers and a super-serious face... that's Zoe playing with the fountain in her home-made clothes
Seb loves his sisters, and they adore him!
The left-handed blur is Abi, the right handed blur is Zoe, they love turning on the air-dryer
Abi (left) Zoe (right) always on the move!
Such wonderful children I have!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
After the retreat
The self-fixing retreat was pretty fantastic. I made amazing breakthroughs and was honest with myself. It sounds easy to do, but often being honest with oneself is the hardest thing to do because we can't justify the actions or thoughts that we don't like. If one is committed to be honest all the time, one must alter ethics and views quite a bit to make sure everything lines up so as to prevent future dishonesty.
So the process has begun. I now look for every opportunity to have a win-win situation instead of a winner-loser situation. I now look for why I feel this way or that way while I'm in a conversation or situation. Why do I feel like they're lying? Why do I feel like I know better than everyone? Why am I not paying attention or listening the way I should? This examination process will get quicker I hope! Here goes nothing, I want to be the best parent I can, so I'm trying to figure out ways to make more money. Here's what I have so far:
Make pies
Help clean Christmas decorations (after I get back)
Extra cleaning and extra chores.
Gift Certificate sales
Donations (always welcome)
Need more ideas. I think I'm going to ask the people at bible study and church for help. I am going to ask a client for help with whom I currently have a barter situation set up, but they do the same courses and may have a credit built with them. If all those things go according to plan, I will only need another $1000 for airfare and food. I think I can do this, wish me luck!
So the process has begun. I now look for every opportunity to have a win-win situation instead of a winner-loser situation. I now look for why I feel this way or that way while I'm in a conversation or situation. Why do I feel like they're lying? Why do I feel like I know better than everyone? Why am I not paying attention or listening the way I should? This examination process will get quicker I hope! Here goes nothing, I want to be the best parent I can, so I'm trying to figure out ways to make more money. Here's what I have so far:
Make pies
Help clean Christmas decorations (after I get back)
Extra cleaning and extra chores.
Gift Certificate sales
Donations (always welcome)
Need more ideas. I think I'm going to ask the people at bible study and church for help. I am going to ask a client for help with whom I currently have a barter situation set up, but they do the same courses and may have a credit built with them. If all those things go according to plan, I will only need another $1000 for airfare and food. I think I can do this, wish me luck!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Introduction to self-fixing
This weekend I attended a Personal Mastery course put out by Klemmer & Associates.
Klemmer & Associates is a Christian based organization that teaches self improvement and awareness through being mindful and not hiding behind excuses. No, they're not cults. Well, they're cultish as much as drinking out of glasses instead of your hands is cultish. It's self help. Given that most of our parents did a so-so job AT BEST, self improvement is a pretty good idea to avoid repeating your parents mistakes and adding a few of your own unhealthy doses on top of them. It's fortunately not limited to parenting. Self improvement spans the broad subject of 'self.'
Most self-improvement companies offer the exact same stuff, so pick the one that resonates with you, or in my case, the one that is being offered in your area. Since I don't live in a major hub, the offerings are usually dismal, so I jumped at this opportunity.
Over the weekend, we were challenged to take a look at the messages we were sending ourselves that block our progress. For example, if someone says to you, 'This apple is amazing, and only costs $50.' Now you might say to yourself a couple of things. I don't want an apple could be the first thing. The next thing could be that the price is too high. Those are messages that we send ourselves. If the apple happens to be made of gold, $50 seems reasonable, which would be another message. Messages can be good, bad, ugly or nothing. They can be helpful or hindering, and it's up to you to find your way out of that maze or just take the easy way out. That would be playing the victim violin. If you decide to play victim, everyone can see it but you. You might elicit some sympathy for a while, but eventually people will get sick of it and you'll run out of people you can whine to. Well, I'm there. I've played the victim violin my whole life, and it's tiresome. I knew I wanted change, but didn't know that I could just make a choice to not be a victim anymore. What??? Revolutionary!
More on this later...
Klemmer & Associates is a Christian based organization that teaches self improvement and awareness through being mindful and not hiding behind excuses. No, they're not cults. Well, they're cultish as much as drinking out of glasses instead of your hands is cultish. It's self help. Given that most of our parents did a so-so job AT BEST, self improvement is a pretty good idea to avoid repeating your parents mistakes and adding a few of your own unhealthy doses on top of them. It's fortunately not limited to parenting. Self improvement spans the broad subject of 'self.'
Most self-improvement companies offer the exact same stuff, so pick the one that resonates with you, or in my case, the one that is being offered in your area. Since I don't live in a major hub, the offerings are usually dismal, so I jumped at this opportunity.
Over the weekend, we were challenged to take a look at the messages we were sending ourselves that block our progress. For example, if someone says to you, 'This apple is amazing, and only costs $50.' Now you might say to yourself a couple of things. I don't want an apple could be the first thing. The next thing could be that the price is too high. Those are messages that we send ourselves. If the apple happens to be made of gold, $50 seems reasonable, which would be another message. Messages can be good, bad, ugly or nothing. They can be helpful or hindering, and it's up to you to find your way out of that maze or just take the easy way out. That would be playing the victim violin. If you decide to play victim, everyone can see it but you. You might elicit some sympathy for a while, but eventually people will get sick of it and you'll run out of people you can whine to. Well, I'm there. I've played the victim violin my whole life, and it's tiresome. I knew I wanted change, but didn't know that I could just make a choice to not be a victim anymore. What??? Revolutionary!
More on this later...
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
September 19, 2013
Today was busy. I had my business meeting in the morning where I received accolades for the progress and maturing I've done over the past 6 months. I don't see or feel anything different, but I'm grateful all the same.
After, I cleaned a house while listening to the same book as yesterday on my iPod with the horrifically shattered screen.
It feels so wonderful to clean a house. I get to make a home look its best and leave it in that wonderful condition for its owner to walk into, inhaling the fresh clean smell deeply, to enjoy that clean feeling. Beds made, laundry clean and folded, floors vacuumed, surfaces cleaned, it's all quite wonderful.
After cleaning, I went home to lie on the floor because my rib was out of place. Chiropractors are expensive, you know, and a floor fills the need adequately in a pinch.
I prepared for the visit with the kids and headed to the park. I stopped at the Chinese restaurant and got food for the kids. They LOVE Chinese food. Ok, they LOVE the American version of Chinese food. I blended Zoe's portion with the help of the Asian (not Chinese) lady who stood behind the counter finding an electrical outlet for me and watching curiously. I pointed to my mouth and said, 'My daughter can't chew." She pointed to her mouth, nodding, and said, 'ah yes, not teeth.' I just agreed. It was easier. With my hand-held food processor, I blended sesame chicken and orange chicken and put each into a partitioned dish with rice in the main partition. For Abi, I had sweet & sour chicken and rice, and for Sebastian, I had the rest of the orange and sesame chicken, rice, egg rolls and sesame balls. I figured I would eat the latter two if he didn't want them, but I think he's hooked now! He bit into a sesame ball with apprehension at first. I showed him how I popped the whole ball into my mouth and pressed it flat with my tongue, then crunched the toasted sesame seeds with my teeth. Divine! He bit into half of it with curiosity, slowly enough to let me know he wasn't a fool to eat strange foods, by jove! He then swallowed the half ball, then asked, with a scrunched up face staring into the brown center, if there was chocolate inside. I waved a hand since my mouth was full. When I was finished with mine, I said, 'no, it's bean paste.' He let out a joyous 'MMM!!' and quickly consumed the rest and followed it with another.
The kids played exuberantly on the playground equipment, Zoe conquering whatever she could, Abi getting minor injuries to gain cuddles and carries, Sebastian disappearing to assert his independence and play with other kids his own age at the playground. It was a wonderful time!
The interaction with my brother was brief, as though I was as significant as an insect interrupting his afternoon, nothing more. We have a new case worker, Crystal Stewart, whom I will call tomorrow and set up a meeting. My SPT, Jeri, is clearly not impressed with my brother's lack of stability and obvious disregard for anyone trying to have the children's best interests in mind in the face of his own desires. Whatever Prince David wants, Prince David will charm his way into. At least that's how he views himself.
At this point, I have come to realize that my family, at large (considering and removing the two supporters from this generalization), has supported my abusers with sympathy and accolades for my entire life. I believe that I shall not miss them. I have come up with a contingency plan for myself in the event that my children don't come home. It will be to travel to Europe and learn as much as I can, experience as much as I can, to soften the blow of my heart being shredded by that family. A family is supposed to unconditionally love and support its members, and from within fix the problems. My family is not this way. They backstab at every opportunity, grasping for attention and fame (not big Hollywood fame, just notoriety with the successful family members so they won't be talked about behind their back). Their small minds talk about people whom they don't approve of at every single gathering. Mocking, joking, poking, thinking that it will win favor with their adored sponsors. It's disgusting. Normal healthy families don't do this. Yes, they do exist. I am excited to discover that my close circle of friends has become this for me. They speak on my behalf at every mention of my name. They come to my defense at every opportunity. If they see or suspect a flaw in me, they come and tell me so they can come along side me and help me fix whatever problem I might be suffering. That is love. I love them for it. I am so grateful they've journeyed with me.
After, I cleaned a house while listening to the same book as yesterday on my iPod with the horrifically shattered screen.
It feels so wonderful to clean a house. I get to make a home look its best and leave it in that wonderful condition for its owner to walk into, inhaling the fresh clean smell deeply, to enjoy that clean feeling. Beds made, laundry clean and folded, floors vacuumed, surfaces cleaned, it's all quite wonderful.
After cleaning, I went home to lie on the floor because my rib was out of place. Chiropractors are expensive, you know, and a floor fills the need adequately in a pinch.
I prepared for the visit with the kids and headed to the park. I stopped at the Chinese restaurant and got food for the kids. They LOVE Chinese food. Ok, they LOVE the American version of Chinese food. I blended Zoe's portion with the help of the Asian (not Chinese) lady who stood behind the counter finding an electrical outlet for me and watching curiously. I pointed to my mouth and said, 'My daughter can't chew." She pointed to her mouth, nodding, and said, 'ah yes, not teeth.' I just agreed. It was easier. With my hand-held food processor, I blended sesame chicken and orange chicken and put each into a partitioned dish with rice in the main partition. For Abi, I had sweet & sour chicken and rice, and for Sebastian, I had the rest of the orange and sesame chicken, rice, egg rolls and sesame balls. I figured I would eat the latter two if he didn't want them, but I think he's hooked now! He bit into a sesame ball with apprehension at first. I showed him how I popped the whole ball into my mouth and pressed it flat with my tongue, then crunched the toasted sesame seeds with my teeth. Divine! He bit into half of it with curiosity, slowly enough to let me know he wasn't a fool to eat strange foods, by jove! He then swallowed the half ball, then asked, with a scrunched up face staring into the brown center, if there was chocolate inside. I waved a hand since my mouth was full. When I was finished with mine, I said, 'no, it's bean paste.' He let out a joyous 'MMM!!' and quickly consumed the rest and followed it with another.
The kids played exuberantly on the playground equipment, Zoe conquering whatever she could, Abi getting minor injuries to gain cuddles and carries, Sebastian disappearing to assert his independence and play with other kids his own age at the playground. It was a wonderful time!
The interaction with my brother was brief, as though I was as significant as an insect interrupting his afternoon, nothing more. We have a new case worker, Crystal Stewart, whom I will call tomorrow and set up a meeting. My SPT, Jeri, is clearly not impressed with my brother's lack of stability and obvious disregard for anyone trying to have the children's best interests in mind in the face of his own desires. Whatever Prince David wants, Prince David will charm his way into. At least that's how he views himself.
At this point, I have come to realize that my family, at large (considering and removing the two supporters from this generalization), has supported my abusers with sympathy and accolades for my entire life. I believe that I shall not miss them. I have come up with a contingency plan for myself in the event that my children don't come home. It will be to travel to Europe and learn as much as I can, experience as much as I can, to soften the blow of my heart being shredded by that family. A family is supposed to unconditionally love and support its members, and from within fix the problems. My family is not this way. They backstab at every opportunity, grasping for attention and fame (not big Hollywood fame, just notoriety with the successful family members so they won't be talked about behind their back). Their small minds talk about people whom they don't approve of at every single gathering. Mocking, joking, poking, thinking that it will win favor with their adored sponsors. It's disgusting. Normal healthy families don't do this. Yes, they do exist. I am excited to discover that my close circle of friends has become this for me. They speak on my behalf at every mention of my name. They come to my defense at every opportunity. If they see or suspect a flaw in me, they come and tell me so they can come along side me and help me fix whatever problem I might be suffering. That is love. I love them for it. I am so grateful they've journeyed with me.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Sept 17
This week is starting off fairly well. I have been attending business meetings in order to drum up business for my newest 'hire' lady, a 60-something lady who works her tail off because she didn't plan for retirement (note to self: start saving now). I have 2-3 weekly clients for her at the moment, but that can fluctuate up or down by the week. I believe I will have another for her by next week. The business meetings are nice, just an hour and a half, in a room full of people trying to come up with something catchy enough to win the business of everyone else in the room, and of their friends and co-workers. The goal of the meeting is to get the people in the room to refer you to the people they know who aren't in the room. It hasn't really happened a lot yet, and I'm noticing a lot of holes in the whole theory, but I believe there are holes everywhere. Tomorrow I have another one, and a fourth on Thursday. I have intentionally not gone to several groups for the simple reason that I could drive myself crazy by attending business meetings and wouldn't actually get any work done during the week!
After the business meeting today, I went to clean for a lady who is wonderful to me, and she gave me a bag of home-made kale chips that she said hurt her stomach when she ate them. I cleaned and finished the house in a nice amount of time and had to rush to another house to clean. Instead of rushing, I called the client and told them I was starving and drove through McDonalds (I had a coupon) and grabbed a burger, some fries and a coffee. I arrived at the second place to find that the husband had mistakenly scheduled me to clean while the wife slept (she works nights), and I would just have to clean around her. Ok, simple enough. He headed back to work, I plugged in my iPod and listened to a book (Ghost Stories by Jim Butcher - Ethan is really interested in it so I'm trying to have some common interests with my teenage son who doesn't speak to me... just in case). I cleaned my heart out and actually finished on time. Had she been awake, I would have not finished in time because she wanted me to change the bed. Since she was on it, I was fortunate that I didn't have to stretch the sheets over her unconscious body.
After that client, I was grateful to head home, only discovering that I'd missed a bunch of calls while listening to the book. Oh brother! I returned calls all the way home, finding out I had 20 minutes till bible study. Got home, sat down and finished up the mystery shop from the day before. Sigh - done! And gone again!
Bible study was refreshing, it was nice to get together with them again. We had cake-cream-cones for our snack and talked about the preconceptions in Christianity that we seem to believe can affect our salvation. I believe that as long as you believe, you're set. Others believe that you have to believe this way or that way, and that is the minimum requirement. One said that you have to believe that Jesus is the only way. Another said that you have to follow some verse in Galatians where it says that people who practice certain things won't inherit the kingdom of God. Another said you just have to love your neighbor above all else and then you won't want to do anything evil. He then said that was what I believed. My perspective is that King David was a murderous adulterer and 'had a heart after God's own.' Um.....ok... preconceptions blown!!!
Day finished. I'm exhausted. One more business meeting tomorrow!!!
After the business meeting today, I went to clean for a lady who is wonderful to me, and she gave me a bag of home-made kale chips that she said hurt her stomach when she ate them. I cleaned and finished the house in a nice amount of time and had to rush to another house to clean. Instead of rushing, I called the client and told them I was starving and drove through McDonalds (I had a coupon) and grabbed a burger, some fries and a coffee. I arrived at the second place to find that the husband had mistakenly scheduled me to clean while the wife slept (she works nights), and I would just have to clean around her. Ok, simple enough. He headed back to work, I plugged in my iPod and listened to a book (Ghost Stories by Jim Butcher - Ethan is really interested in it so I'm trying to have some common interests with my teenage son who doesn't speak to me... just in case). I cleaned my heart out and actually finished on time. Had she been awake, I would have not finished in time because she wanted me to change the bed. Since she was on it, I was fortunate that I didn't have to stretch the sheets over her unconscious body.
After that client, I was grateful to head home, only discovering that I'd missed a bunch of calls while listening to the book. Oh brother! I returned calls all the way home, finding out I had 20 minutes till bible study. Got home, sat down and finished up the mystery shop from the day before. Sigh - done! And gone again!
Bible study was refreshing, it was nice to get together with them again. We had cake-cream-cones for our snack and talked about the preconceptions in Christianity that we seem to believe can affect our salvation. I believe that as long as you believe, you're set. Others believe that you have to believe this way or that way, and that is the minimum requirement. One said that you have to believe that Jesus is the only way. Another said that you have to follow some verse in Galatians where it says that people who practice certain things won't inherit the kingdom of God. Another said you just have to love your neighbor above all else and then you won't want to do anything evil. He then said that was what I believed. My perspective is that King David was a murderous adulterer and 'had a heart after God's own.' Um.....ok... preconceptions blown!!!
Day finished. I'm exhausted. One more business meeting tomorrow!!!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Today
Today was fantastic. I am learning to find the joy and pleasure in everything. Even the hardship.
This morning started out nicely, a bit slowly. I was able to actually read my emails and just wake up slowly. I then got myself dressed for cleaning, and went to talk with some personal trainers about wraps. The one in charge asked if I would give samples, and I agreed, thinking it's a small loss if they don't want them, but an enormous win if they do, and it is worth the 'risk.'
After that, I went to clean a house. It looked rather messy today and I'm glad that they are blessed by being able to spend the weekend in a nice clean house.
When I left the house, I went and got bangs cut by my wonderful stylist. She is really good at what she does, and they are a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Zooey Deschanel. They are a bit heavy but can be wispy if I style them right. I think it's a good style move! Pictures to follow when there is daylight!
Following this, I went home and got changed into pretty clothes and went to dinner with a well-traveled gentleman from my business network group, and we just got along famously. I thought of people I could introduce him to, in order to help his business and life grow and progress. I think it will be a lovely business relationship.
Following this, I met a girlfriend at a coffee shop where I met two ladies who were wonderful, we're already facebook friends, but I'd never met them! Such fun ladies, I can't wait to get to know them better. The girlfriend and I went to have a beer after this and we had a wonderful conversation. The point of the trials we endure is to be refined by fire. The part I seem to miss is the fire part. It hurts, it burns, it's fire for pete's sake! Why do we forget that? In the end, we will be more pure than we were to start. We have to let go of the toxic dross and junk in our lives so it can burn off, or the fire will have to get hotter so the crap can burn away. It burns! But it won't forever, as long as we let it go. I am so blessed even though my life in general kind-a sucks!
Can't wait for knitting tomorrow!
This morning started out nicely, a bit slowly. I was able to actually read my emails and just wake up slowly. I then got myself dressed for cleaning, and went to talk with some personal trainers about wraps. The one in charge asked if I would give samples, and I agreed, thinking it's a small loss if they don't want them, but an enormous win if they do, and it is worth the 'risk.'
After that, I went to clean a house. It looked rather messy today and I'm glad that they are blessed by being able to spend the weekend in a nice clean house.
When I left the house, I went and got bangs cut by my wonderful stylist. She is really good at what she does, and they are a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Zooey Deschanel. They are a bit heavy but can be wispy if I style them right. I think it's a good style move! Pictures to follow when there is daylight!
Following this, I went home and got changed into pretty clothes and went to dinner with a well-traveled gentleman from my business network group, and we just got along famously. I thought of people I could introduce him to, in order to help his business and life grow and progress. I think it will be a lovely business relationship.
Following this, I met a girlfriend at a coffee shop where I met two ladies who were wonderful, we're already facebook friends, but I'd never met them! Such fun ladies, I can't wait to get to know them better. The girlfriend and I went to have a beer after this and we had a wonderful conversation. The point of the trials we endure is to be refined by fire. The part I seem to miss is the fire part. It hurts, it burns, it's fire for pete's sake! Why do we forget that? In the end, we will be more pure than we were to start. We have to let go of the toxic dross and junk in our lives so it can burn off, or the fire will have to get hotter so the crap can burn away. It burns! But it won't forever, as long as we let it go. I am so blessed even though my life in general kind-a sucks!
Can't wait for knitting tomorrow!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Recent happenings
I've been neglecting the internet of late. I know, I should be more diligent, but it's so haaaarrd! I just never know what to write or how to write it. Practice would probably help!
Recently, things have been a roller coaster for my emotions.
The trial that was set for August 28, 29 and 30 was postponed to November 18-22 for an extra day of testimony from my two oldest children I presume. I have not been told anything specific, but am fairly certain that they will get up there and tell what a terrible mother I am and have been. I have been. Do they know me anymore? Am I still the same person I was two years ago? I suppose that is left to be determined. And yet I prepare for either outcome, hoping for both, as strange as that may sound. How can you hope for something so terrible, I ask myself. It's not that I hope I won't get my kids back. It's that I hope for resolution and am preparing for my time to mourn the loss and failure and regret that I will undoubtedly carry with me. I also prepare to get them back home. My gut feeling is that they won't be coming home. I know that sounds negative, but I have seen this system 'work' in all its dysfunction, and to the charming go the spoils. I'm not charming. I still hope, but I am realistic. I work hard every day to do what is needed to receive them home with the deep-seated understanding it may not happen.
Other events lately: On the day the trial was supposed to have occurred, I received my test results from the BRCA gene examination. It came in positive. While I expected this because of the laws of Murphy, it was still a great load to be borne onto my already weary shoulders. I silently wanted to ask God, not too loudly, 'Really? Seriously? Anything else you can pile on here? Boils? Oh wait, I've got a newly discovered gluten intolerance already, thanks for that too. Can you say repeat of the book of Job?' It's not like I don't understand why we go through trials. Perhaps I really do need to write more because the goal is to get me to write this out as an encouragement to others. Perhaps my suffering will save someone else. Maybe God is trying to teach me diligence (which I've never possessed) or sorrow (which I've never wanted to possess) or prepare me for something great if I just diligently trudge through the sorrow. Who knows. I now get to navigate the fun world of insurance and deductibles, surgery, recovery, and who will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of while I'm going to be down for a year. There will be an hysterectomy (full) followed by a double mastectomy, and if I'm lucky enough to get the insurance to cover it, a reconstruction. If not, it's goodbye bras forever! The biggest thing I worry about right now is the disproportion of my body afterwards. I know the pain will be overwhelming, the recovery will be long and slow, I know my wonderful friends will cover me with love. It's the rest I wonder about.
In other news, the visits with the children have been wonderful. Truly! I enjoy them so much and appreciate every hug and kiss like I never did before. I liken it to those trite internet sayings that whine about living every moment like it's your last. I do that now, every moment that I spend with my children may be my last. I might not ever see them again after November 22. At least not until they're 18. That's a lot of time. My mommy heart breaks every moment. I live in that moment. Each moment that I'm not in their presence, I ache to be in their presence. (sigh)
Shifting gears slightly, business is picking up. I have a new-to-me car that can travel at speeds greater than 35 miles per hour without needing to be pulled over, stopped, parked, and re-started again. It doesn't re-start itself as I drive down the road. The lights that are to remain lit do so, and the lights that are to be not-lit also do so. It's exciting to not experience stranding car problems. It's an older car, however, so I expect my share of difficulties, but so far it's not so bad. The car payment part is the scariest thing I've had in a while. Now I really have to be responsible! Uh-oh!
In health news, I have this budding gluten intolerance that I'm not happy about. I suppose I'll eventually have to eat fruits & veggies, so why not now? It's not like I'm happy with my ever-increasing weight anyway! Oh but recipes are so much fun to play with that I believe I will thoroughly enjoy my newfound dietary lifestyle!
Well, it's time to head to work. I have an estimate this morning, a house to clean at 11, then 2 or 3 events that are beckoning me (though I think insurance paperwork is heralding more loudly).
Thanks for reading!
Recently, things have been a roller coaster for my emotions.
The trial that was set for August 28, 29 and 30 was postponed to November 18-22 for an extra day of testimony from my two oldest children I presume. I have not been told anything specific, but am fairly certain that they will get up there and tell what a terrible mother I am and have been. I have been. Do they know me anymore? Am I still the same person I was two years ago? I suppose that is left to be determined. And yet I prepare for either outcome, hoping for both, as strange as that may sound. How can you hope for something so terrible, I ask myself. It's not that I hope I won't get my kids back. It's that I hope for resolution and am preparing for my time to mourn the loss and failure and regret that I will undoubtedly carry with me. I also prepare to get them back home. My gut feeling is that they won't be coming home. I know that sounds negative, but I have seen this system 'work' in all its dysfunction, and to the charming go the spoils. I'm not charming. I still hope, but I am realistic. I work hard every day to do what is needed to receive them home with the deep-seated understanding it may not happen.
Other events lately: On the day the trial was supposed to have occurred, I received my test results from the BRCA gene examination. It came in positive. While I expected this because of the laws of Murphy, it was still a great load to be borne onto my already weary shoulders. I silently wanted to ask God, not too loudly, 'Really? Seriously? Anything else you can pile on here? Boils? Oh wait, I've got a newly discovered gluten intolerance already, thanks for that too. Can you say repeat of the book of Job?' It's not like I don't understand why we go through trials. Perhaps I really do need to write more because the goal is to get me to write this out as an encouragement to others. Perhaps my suffering will save someone else. Maybe God is trying to teach me diligence (which I've never possessed) or sorrow (which I've never wanted to possess) or prepare me for something great if I just diligently trudge through the sorrow. Who knows. I now get to navigate the fun world of insurance and deductibles, surgery, recovery, and who will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of while I'm going to be down for a year. There will be an hysterectomy (full) followed by a double mastectomy, and if I'm lucky enough to get the insurance to cover it, a reconstruction. If not, it's goodbye bras forever! The biggest thing I worry about right now is the disproportion of my body afterwards. I know the pain will be overwhelming, the recovery will be long and slow, I know my wonderful friends will cover me with love. It's the rest I wonder about.
In other news, the visits with the children have been wonderful. Truly! I enjoy them so much and appreciate every hug and kiss like I never did before. I liken it to those trite internet sayings that whine about living every moment like it's your last. I do that now, every moment that I spend with my children may be my last. I might not ever see them again after November 22. At least not until they're 18. That's a lot of time. My mommy heart breaks every moment. I live in that moment. Each moment that I'm not in their presence, I ache to be in their presence. (sigh)
Shifting gears slightly, business is picking up. I have a new-to-me car that can travel at speeds greater than 35 miles per hour without needing to be pulled over, stopped, parked, and re-started again. It doesn't re-start itself as I drive down the road. The lights that are to remain lit do so, and the lights that are to be not-lit also do so. It's exciting to not experience stranding car problems. It's an older car, however, so I expect my share of difficulties, but so far it's not so bad. The car payment part is the scariest thing I've had in a while. Now I really have to be responsible! Uh-oh!
In health news, I have this budding gluten intolerance that I'm not happy about. I suppose I'll eventually have to eat fruits & veggies, so why not now? It's not like I'm happy with my ever-increasing weight anyway! Oh but recipes are so much fun to play with that I believe I will thoroughly enjoy my newfound dietary lifestyle!
Well, it's time to head to work. I have an estimate this morning, a house to clean at 11, then 2 or 3 events that are beckoning me (though I think insurance paperwork is heralding more loudly).
Thanks for reading!
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