Friday, July 27, 2012
(drum roll) my birthday
Gratefully it went off without a hitch. I didn't want a lot of attention, so I only told a couple of people, and even facebook doesn't know when it really is. Had the weather been what it is now (stormy, lightening & thunder making music in the gloomy sky), it would have been the only thing possible to make the day better! First I went to work with the 'nothing can get me down' attitude. I expected to have a lot of bumps in the road being that I typically get the obligatory yet reluctant wishes from the family I don't want to hear from. Since I hadn't received them by 8am, I thought I was in the clear. Then I got one from my mom, a simple text message. I wanted to write back with, 'You got it wrong. It's 'happy birthday, sociopath.' or something chiding. The reason she sent it in the first place was for herself anyway, so any response or lack thereof would just be a call for sympathy for herself, and thus I deemed it unworthy of my attention and moved on. Next I got a job offer from my current company. It came with a .50 cent raise, which is more than normal, and a positive employment review. I told them I would think about it just to savor the moment. After work, I went to my other job where we went over details for moving the office this weekend and how we're going to step it up and make a lot of money. It puts me in a strange position though. I want to stay where the money is steady, but the opportunity for making a LOT more money is on the table if I can give it a bit more time. Interesting problem...haha. So after that I got to see my son for a while, we made a plaster cast of his hand for me to hang on the wall. It is very crumbly, so I have to find something to put on it to seal it, I suppose. He made it pink cause it's for me! (aw!) His hands were dyed pink too, though, which was just funny. After the visit, my brother said happy birthday which made me want to throw up and cry. I cried, but it felt so good to let it out for once. I feel like my delicately constructed patina is beginning to crack, which may not be a bad thing, as I mentioned yesterday. It seems more so today, but I'll have to explain later. After that, I went home, still stuffy and red, and got a call from the only person I hadn't spoken with but wanted to so desperately, and it was so refreshing! Then my husband who drives me up the wall most of the time presented me with gifts from bath & body works and we went out for a drink. We wanted to go to main street, but discovered that our children were there for farmers market (Side note: the reason we don't go anywhere is because my brother takes them everywhere, every day of the week. We can't go to parks because he rotates parks every week and I don't know when; he goes to the farmers market, the pool, etc, so we have to avoid those places due to the restraining order). We found a mexican restaurant with a bar and stopped in. The guy made me a margarita that was a LOT more powerful than your standard, and I couldn't finish it! We made our way home where my husband put P&P on (we talked of loving the works of dead authors, and what would that look like in a greek word, hence the posts on facebook), and I fell asleep before Mr. Collins made his debut. I woke up at the end of the first disc, so I know it was late. It was almost 9 pm when we started it, and I'm normally in bed before 8, so I was wiped out! Having given up caffeine, nightshades and gluten yesterday as well, it was odd to find things I could have without craving everything I can't! MMMMM, french fries, cake, banana bread, .....haha
went to see the doctor
So, you know I have been going completely nuts lately, so I decided that I couldn't handle it and went to the doctor. Well, kinesiologist. I have been having a lot of joint problems, hormonal issues, concentration, I have strange allergies, my hair is falling out, my nails are brittle, my skin is dry and oily, my face broke out like a teenager, and I'm really tired all the time. I don't really get sick often, though. When I showed up there, the doctor asked me a few questions about things I wasn't connecting. Then he adjusted my back and told me things about my organ function, like my spleen was over-worked, as are my adrenal glands. The constant coffee influx was taxing my adrenals, but the spleen was interesting, I don't know why that wasn't working right. He said the breakouts are a secondary response to my liver & kidneys not filtering well enough. Once I get everything else put back in order, then it should clear up my face & neck. The supplements I was taking were apparently too old to work right, which was part of the problem. I cut the coffee immediately and started on a new supplement, the result of which was great - no headache, no fatigue, I was surprised. I don't know about emotional outbursts yet, we will see. He also said I was fighting a bacteria that causes joint pain and he gave me something for my nails, hair and hormonal problems although there didn't seem to be anything askew with my hormone-regulating systems. It just seemed a bit enigmatic to me, but hopefully I can get it solved medically. If not, it means I can't keep this facade up for much longer, and will cry like a baby at the drop of a hat. :-)
Monday, July 23, 2012
A slice of normal pie?
AS IF that were possible! Nothing is normal around here. Here is a rundown of recent events:
My mom's cancer is progressing at a rate considered slow for such an aggressive cancer. A little education: When you get a CA125 test, your level should be under 70 if you are normal. She is excited that hers is only 4500 instead of the projected 6000. That means it's likely that the drugs are working. If she lives 4 years, she will surprise all of medical science. I reckon she will make it 8 because she has to be #1. At that rate, she will be the ONLY one with this kind of cancer to survive that long, but lets not bother with details. I was blessed to receive this information about her through my dear cousin (thank you for going through the stresses of dealing with her to keep me informed), since my mother blocked me from all contact (even facebook). Much like she used my mistakes from 21 years ago against me, I will share the information of her current health status with the people to whom it matters. I don't think it is cruel, as she set the standard a long time ago. I, however, will not stoop to the depths of sharing falsehoods as she has.
My husband's surgery was moved to the 30th of July. The anesthesiologist had stayed very late on another surgery, so they sent him home to sleep. I'm grateful that they did so he didn't fall asleep during the surgery. They are reconstructing his good ankle in the hopes that, 6 months from now, they can reconstruct the bad one or just amputate the foot. I have mixed feelings about being married to the one legged man. Not that we would divorce for that reason, we have several other reasons to drive each other away, why make it about a foot? No, it's just that I have weird feelings about him having one foot. I will likely get over this.
I finished making 2 dresses for the girls and I knitted a little reticule as well. I'm quite proud of actually finishing 3 things in one week!
The visits with the girls have been transitioned into therapeutic time instead of 'structured parenting time.' I don't like the therapist at all, but what choice do I have? We still meet every week, but it has been cut to 1 hour from 1.5. The therapist offers suggestions like 'touch her back to let her know you're still there.' Ok, she's looking at me, could I be reinforcing a positive behavior with touch instead of 'letting her know I'm still there?' Possible.
Our case worker bought her tv from me about a month ago while working at BB. She is one of the reasons I quit (there were a great many). The longer I keep the secret of it, the more it makes me feel like it was a conflict of interests. She stands us up for appointments, lies blatantly about us behind our backs, tells me 'off the record' things about the case that unverifiable because they're 'off the record,' and shows a general disinterest. I made an appointment with her supervisor for Friday because I am concerned and really feel like she is duplicitous - as if her goal is not to reunite the family, but to give them to my mom. I feel like her agenda is more important than the family, which is wrong. I want to ask for a list of exactly what I need to do to get my kids back.
Other than that, I have just been PMS'ing really horrifyingly bad, which comes out as a normal person instead of a passive aggressive person. I actually speak my mind like I used to. This is causing conflict with my poor husband, who is accustomed to a quiet, reserved, let him make his own mistakes and suffer the consequences wife. I know, right? Me? Whodathunk!! I have been beaten into submission by men to the point of only returning to normal when the hormonal imbalance reaches 'homicidal fury' in normal women. Oh, and because of the hormones, I am going vegetarian until they calm down a bit. It's just too much when I can't control it.
I have been going to counseling and learning tricks on how to be a more assertive person without coming across as the flag-ship enterprise of women's hormonal issues. Instead of attacks, I re-phrase the statements as 'I feel' instead of 'you jerk!' I hope it helps. (giggles silently)
My mom's cancer is progressing at a rate considered slow for such an aggressive cancer. A little education: When you get a CA125 test, your level should be under 70 if you are normal. She is excited that hers is only 4500 instead of the projected 6000. That means it's likely that the drugs are working. If she lives 4 years, she will surprise all of medical science. I reckon she will make it 8 because she has to be #1. At that rate, she will be the ONLY one with this kind of cancer to survive that long, but lets not bother with details. I was blessed to receive this information about her through my dear cousin (thank you for going through the stresses of dealing with her to keep me informed), since my mother blocked me from all contact (even facebook). Much like she used my mistakes from 21 years ago against me, I will share the information of her current health status with the people to whom it matters. I don't think it is cruel, as she set the standard a long time ago. I, however, will not stoop to the depths of sharing falsehoods as she has.
My husband's surgery was moved to the 30th of July. The anesthesiologist had stayed very late on another surgery, so they sent him home to sleep. I'm grateful that they did so he didn't fall asleep during the surgery. They are reconstructing his good ankle in the hopes that, 6 months from now, they can reconstruct the bad one or just amputate the foot. I have mixed feelings about being married to the one legged man. Not that we would divorce for that reason, we have several other reasons to drive each other away, why make it about a foot? No, it's just that I have weird feelings about him having one foot. I will likely get over this.
I finished making 2 dresses for the girls and I knitted a little reticule as well. I'm quite proud of actually finishing 3 things in one week!
The visits with the girls have been transitioned into therapeutic time instead of 'structured parenting time.' I don't like the therapist at all, but what choice do I have? We still meet every week, but it has been cut to 1 hour from 1.5. The therapist offers suggestions like 'touch her back to let her know you're still there.' Ok, she's looking at me, could I be reinforcing a positive behavior with touch instead of 'letting her know I'm still there?' Possible.
Our case worker bought her tv from me about a month ago while working at BB. She is one of the reasons I quit (there were a great many). The longer I keep the secret of it, the more it makes me feel like it was a conflict of interests. She stands us up for appointments, lies blatantly about us behind our backs, tells me 'off the record' things about the case that unverifiable because they're 'off the record,' and shows a general disinterest. I made an appointment with her supervisor for Friday because I am concerned and really feel like she is duplicitous - as if her goal is not to reunite the family, but to give them to my mom. I feel like her agenda is more important than the family, which is wrong. I want to ask for a list of exactly what I need to do to get my kids back.
Other than that, I have just been PMS'ing really horrifyingly bad, which comes out as a normal person instead of a passive aggressive person. I actually speak my mind like I used to. This is causing conflict with my poor husband, who is accustomed to a quiet, reserved, let him make his own mistakes and suffer the consequences wife. I know, right? Me? Whodathunk!! I have been beaten into submission by men to the point of only returning to normal when the hormonal imbalance reaches 'homicidal fury' in normal women. Oh, and because of the hormones, I am going vegetarian until they calm down a bit. It's just too much when I can't control it.
I have been going to counseling and learning tricks on how to be a more assertive person without coming across as the flag-ship enterprise of women's hormonal issues. Instead of attacks, I re-phrase the statements as 'I feel' instead of 'you jerk!' I hope it helps. (giggles silently)
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Professional Clothes
I went to the Goodwill today and bought some clothes. It was a fun experience, I spent a couple of hours going through all the racks with very specific ideas in mind for what I wanted to accomplish (a new thing for me). What I came out with was a $6 sewing desk (a cheap melamine thing that someone painted pale yellow), 3 pairs of slacks (2 black in different styles, one grey), and 5 blouses/shirts. The blouses vary, but most have collars and buttons. A couple of them are the stretchy variety which seems to be popular. First I grabbed up 10 pairs of slacks. I found 5 that fit and narrowed it down to 4. $5 each so I decided that I already had one pair at home, herringbone. SO....now I have enough professional looking clothing to last me a week (I only had one outfit before today), and all for $41!!!!! I'm pretty excited about that! That will leave me enough to get a good pair of shoes or a bag to go with it. I don't have much appropriate jewelry or anything yet either, but that will have to wait. It's normal for people to not wear jewelry, but since none of my slacks have pockets, a purse or something will be necessary. It was fun! Thank you, friends, for the tips and links, I used their guidance and will continue as I progress.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Jobs
I crunched some numbers this morning while I was standing at work, really bored as usual. If I can work for the loan company that I'm with right now for 3 hours per day and close 5 loans per month, I will be making as much as I make right now working 50-70 hrs per month. Isn't that insane???
I'm also looking for some help with business class dress code. WHERE ARE THE RULES??? I found one site that was great, it actually listed some rules, like 'the rule of 3' for jewelry. Never wear more than 3 pieces, never wear earrings and a necklace because it's all up in your face. Never wear an armband (duh, I'm not a rockstar). Another rule about jewelry was to never wear things on both wrists - it summons memories of Wonder Woman, not Professional Woman. There were all kinds of suggestions, which I found helpful for when I go shopping for clothes, and I wrote all of them down. Then there were suggestions that weren't helpful at all. The biggest 'gee thanks for nothing' tip was about suits. It said to pick classic. Ok, how classic. Like 1920's classic or 1980's? Which one is classic? I don't look good in the 20's do-up, and the 80's one is still pretty hideous in my mind. Where do I go from there? Do I just pick a decade and stick to it? Double breasted suits, and suit jackets at all for that matter, are too formal for this town, but will serve me well if I move. Is sleeveless okay now? It wasn't 10 years ago. I just don't have time to watch 'what not to wear' for the next 2 months to get all the rules!
I'm also looking for some help with business class dress code. WHERE ARE THE RULES??? I found one site that was great, it actually listed some rules, like 'the rule of 3' for jewelry. Never wear more than 3 pieces, never wear earrings and a necklace because it's all up in your face. Never wear an armband (duh, I'm not a rockstar). Another rule about jewelry was to never wear things on both wrists - it summons memories of Wonder Woman, not Professional Woman. There were all kinds of suggestions, which I found helpful for when I go shopping for clothes, and I wrote all of them down. Then there were suggestions that weren't helpful at all. The biggest 'gee thanks for nothing' tip was about suits. It said to pick classic. Ok, how classic. Like 1920's classic or 1980's? Which one is classic? I don't look good in the 20's do-up, and the 80's one is still pretty hideous in my mind. Where do I go from there? Do I just pick a decade and stick to it? Double breasted suits, and suit jackets at all for that matter, are too formal for this town, but will serve me well if I move. Is sleeveless okay now? It wasn't 10 years ago. I just don't have time to watch 'what not to wear' for the next 2 months to get all the rules!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The girls' birthday
On thursday, we had the girls' birthday celebration, although their birthday was actually on saturday. It was pretty nice, even though it was captive and we couldn't give them a party. A girl i know from working at the last job makes cupcakes as a business with her mother. She made 4 beautiful pink cupcakes that were strawberry shortcake with strawberry filling and strawberry frosting with perfectly place sprinkles on top. They were great! The girls loved them - Z wanted us to feed them to her, and boy, she made a huge mess cramming them into her face! A was neat & tidy like a prissy princess, carefully consuming her cupcake delicately. Their grandfather gave them each a teddybear, a pink one and a brown one, A loved the brown one, Z loved the pink one so the decision was made without any fighting. I brought glow sticks (the kind you crack that glow in the dark) and they played for a full 30 minutes with those! Z's therapy includes getting her to say 'on' and 'off' since she just does the 'oh' sound in different variations. This ended up being fantastic because we would turn the lights on and she would yell 'OOOOVVV!' so she could play with her glow sticks in the dark! I would love to have these for every visit, but i'm sure they will get bored at some point.
Now sadly, since my phone was broken, I didn't get my reminder for my visit tomorrow with my son, and didn't confirm it, therefore it was cancelled. That makes me horribly sad and I'll be crying my eyes out tonight. I did get to see him this week because we were making up a visit for next week that we will have to skip, but I might be able to find another visitation person to do the visit with next week instead of skipping a visit...There's a thought!
Now sadly, since my phone was broken, I didn't get my reminder for my visit tomorrow with my son, and didn't confirm it, therefore it was cancelled. That makes me horribly sad and I'll be crying my eyes out tonight. I did get to see him this week because we were making up a visit for next week that we will have to skip, but I might be able to find another visitation person to do the visit with next week instead of skipping a visit...There's a thought!
Counseling
So i had my first counseling session today. It was interesting. I'm sure she wanted to get to introductions and the like, but I just pounded forward with the details. I was able to tell her everything and not fear that someone was going to use anything against me like the caseworkers have done. It was so refreshing! She gave me a couple of things to work on, our primary objectives being to be more assertive and consistent. The first was an acronym for a process of letting my thoughts be known. It is DEAR MAN:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful
Appear Confident
Negotiate
description:
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Tell the person exactly what you're reacting to. Stick to the facts, no blaming, no emotional outburst.
Express your feelings and opinions about it. assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident. give a brief rationale. use phrases such as 'i want,' 'i don't want,' instead of 'i need,' 'you should,' or 'i can't.'
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying NO clearly. Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don't expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining consequences. Tell the person in positive effects of getting what you want or need. tell him or her the negative effects of your not getting it. help the person feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want. reward him or her afterwards.
(stay) Mindful, keep your focus on your objectives. maintain your position. don't be distracted.
"Broken Record" keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over.
Ignore - If another person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
Appear Confident, effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner, make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. Don't say "I'm not sure." Don't be threatening either.
Negotiate - be willing to give and to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Maintain no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
Turn the tables - Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions: "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not able to say yes, and you seem to really want me to. What can we do here?" "How can we solve this problem?"
There are excellent tools here for regular every day use. Knowing how I am, can you just imagine which steps I will have the most trouble with? I sure can! I know I am not an assertive person, I typically don't ask straight out for what I want, I am just quite passive aggressive and don't come straight out. I will usually go along with it, but I won't participate so it will be difficult for the other party to achieve the result that they want. In an effort to be a more 'middle of the road' person instead of the ultra-passive one, I am going to attempt to take these steps and just stop taking all of the negative from everyone, J and my bosses in particular. I cam quite anxious to get started on the new job and not have to work at the factory anymore, and this tool may come in handy in the coming weeks when they try to negotiate my job.
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful
Appear Confident
Negotiate
description:
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Tell the person exactly what you're reacting to. Stick to the facts, no blaming, no emotional outburst.
Express your feelings and opinions about it. assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident. give a brief rationale. use phrases such as 'i want,' 'i don't want,' instead of 'i need,' 'you should,' or 'i can't.'
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying NO clearly. Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don't expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining consequences. Tell the person in positive effects of getting what you want or need. tell him or her the negative effects of your not getting it. help the person feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want. reward him or her afterwards.
(stay) Mindful, keep your focus on your objectives. maintain your position. don't be distracted.
"Broken Record" keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over.
Ignore - If another person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
Appear Confident, effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner, make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. Don't say "I'm not sure." Don't be threatening either.
Negotiate - be willing to give and to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Maintain no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
Turn the tables - Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions: "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not able to say yes, and you seem to really want me to. What can we do here?" "How can we solve this problem?"
There are excellent tools here for regular every day use. Knowing how I am, can you just imagine which steps I will have the most trouble with? I sure can! I know I am not an assertive person, I typically don't ask straight out for what I want, I am just quite passive aggressive and don't come straight out. I will usually go along with it, but I won't participate so it will be difficult for the other party to achieve the result that they want. In an effort to be a more 'middle of the road' person instead of the ultra-passive one, I am going to attempt to take these steps and just stop taking all of the negative from everyone, J and my bosses in particular. I cam quite anxious to get started on the new job and not have to work at the factory anymore, and this tool may come in handy in the coming weeks when they try to negotiate my job.
Monday, July 9, 2012
for better or worse?
Court on thursday was a bit of a good and bad thing. I will try to outline the developments in chronological order, but no promises. You all know how scattered I am!
So first, there was a redetermination for visitation court date in May. At this same time, we went in for our psychological evaluations. The court redetermination kept getting continued because we had lots of witnesses to go through, plus scheduling 5 lawyers to all meet on the same day & time is a feat in itself.
The redetermination wasn't going very well. It was suggested that our visits be rescheduled as therapeutic because the connection between J and the twins was 'fractured.' They didn't mention how typical this kind of separated fracturing is when parents are separated from children in the middle of the night. Of course the kids wouldn't trust him! These strangers came and stole them out of their beds in the night, and he just stood there. As a toddler, I would be quite upset too. So A isn't really hateful, she just takes a minute to warm up to him, like she does with everyone, then she's fine and dandy and acts normal, climbing all over him, feeding him toys and food that she's already chewed up... Just the usual 3 yr old behavior. They say that it (the 'fracture') needs to be fixed before we can proceed to level two, which means visits at the park or for more than 1 1/2 hours.
Next the psychological evaluations. I relayed the primary information already, but at the hearing, the doctor who conducted the evaluations expounded on them a bit. He said that J has severe PTSD. It's pretty bad. He suggested medication, psychotherapy, counseling, intensive. A whole lot of it. He is rigid, decisive, and has a stringent code of ethics that he lives by. Unfortunately, having a family sort-of butts heads with that whole code. The reason is that there are variables with regard to children and families. They tend to do unpredictable things occasionally. Well, that doesn't really mesh. The doctor said that he is strict and regimented and anything that doesn't conform to his idea of the ethic code gets bent, he freaks out, manipulates, ridicules, gets violent...whatever the reaction, it's all related to his head being haywire. The doctor essentially said that he should be under the care of a doctor instead of in jail. As for me, the diagnosis was that I like the regimentation and thrive under it. He said we're a match made in heaven because we compliment each other. The county attorney asked what would happen if I was too passive, and he just responded that we needed help. He said that I am quite passive, even though I don't like something. An example would be that I would compliantly go along with something, even though I don't agree, then I would resist in other ways so I wouldn't have to admit I don't like it. Yep, that's me! So it was kind of fun to hear him tell us what we were and how we relate to one another. Not too happy about the therapeutic visitation instead of regular visits. It typically doesn't bode well when they move it to therapy.
As far as the good part, J's father came to town and told him he was being crazy and to stop it. He's been a lot better since. Really just took his dad telling him that he was being paranoid and he was off the deep end. Glad that he came, but he was kind of a jerk. I asked him, 'have you considered moving here for 6 months to get the girls?' And he jumped down my throat saying I was being confrontational and forcing him to decide between his wife and his child. I thought for a couple of days and decided that i had every right to ask that, i was confronting him, a little frustrated by the fact that he wouldn't choose his grandchildren over florida for 6 months. Really? choose your wife or your kids...lemme think...So they keep telling me that if i leave him, i can have the kids, but it truly isn't that way. i know how they work, unfortunately. they want to break up the family with promises. it would be 6 months of impressing upon my family that i am not a sociopath like they think and swaying their opinion. since i'm not very good at that, there is no chance of me convincing them that i should get the kids back anyway. might as well prove that we are a great success story and get better! wish us luck!
So first, there was a redetermination for visitation court date in May. At this same time, we went in for our psychological evaluations. The court redetermination kept getting continued because we had lots of witnesses to go through, plus scheduling 5 lawyers to all meet on the same day & time is a feat in itself.
The redetermination wasn't going very well. It was suggested that our visits be rescheduled as therapeutic because the connection between J and the twins was 'fractured.' They didn't mention how typical this kind of separated fracturing is when parents are separated from children in the middle of the night. Of course the kids wouldn't trust him! These strangers came and stole them out of their beds in the night, and he just stood there. As a toddler, I would be quite upset too. So A isn't really hateful, she just takes a minute to warm up to him, like she does with everyone, then she's fine and dandy and acts normal, climbing all over him, feeding him toys and food that she's already chewed up... Just the usual 3 yr old behavior. They say that it (the 'fracture') needs to be fixed before we can proceed to level two, which means visits at the park or for more than 1 1/2 hours.
Next the psychological evaluations. I relayed the primary information already, but at the hearing, the doctor who conducted the evaluations expounded on them a bit. He said that J has severe PTSD. It's pretty bad. He suggested medication, psychotherapy, counseling, intensive. A whole lot of it. He is rigid, decisive, and has a stringent code of ethics that he lives by. Unfortunately, having a family sort-of butts heads with that whole code. The reason is that there are variables with regard to children and families. They tend to do unpredictable things occasionally. Well, that doesn't really mesh. The doctor said that he is strict and regimented and anything that doesn't conform to his idea of the ethic code gets bent, he freaks out, manipulates, ridicules, gets violent...whatever the reaction, it's all related to his head being haywire. The doctor essentially said that he should be under the care of a doctor instead of in jail. As for me, the diagnosis was that I like the regimentation and thrive under it. He said we're a match made in heaven because we compliment each other. The county attorney asked what would happen if I was too passive, and he just responded that we needed help. He said that I am quite passive, even though I don't like something. An example would be that I would compliantly go along with something, even though I don't agree, then I would resist in other ways so I wouldn't have to admit I don't like it. Yep, that's me! So it was kind of fun to hear him tell us what we were and how we relate to one another. Not too happy about the therapeutic visitation instead of regular visits. It typically doesn't bode well when they move it to therapy.
As far as the good part, J's father came to town and told him he was being crazy and to stop it. He's been a lot better since. Really just took his dad telling him that he was being paranoid and he was off the deep end. Glad that he came, but he was kind of a jerk. I asked him, 'have you considered moving here for 6 months to get the girls?' And he jumped down my throat saying I was being confrontational and forcing him to decide between his wife and his child. I thought for a couple of days and decided that i had every right to ask that, i was confronting him, a little frustrated by the fact that he wouldn't choose his grandchildren over florida for 6 months. Really? choose your wife or your kids...lemme think...So they keep telling me that if i leave him, i can have the kids, but it truly isn't that way. i know how they work, unfortunately. they want to break up the family with promises. it would be 6 months of impressing upon my family that i am not a sociopath like they think and swaying their opinion. since i'm not very good at that, there is no chance of me convincing them that i should get the kids back anyway. might as well prove that we are a great success story and get better! wish us luck!
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