So i had my first counseling session today. It was interesting. I'm sure she wanted to get to introductions and the like, but I just pounded forward with the details. I was able to tell her everything and not fear that someone was going to use anything against me like the caseworkers have done. It was so refreshing! She gave me a couple of things to work on, our primary objectives being to be more assertive and consistent. The first was an acronym for a process of letting my thoughts be known. It is DEAR MAN:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful
Appear Confident
Negotiate
description:
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Tell the person exactly what you're reacting to. Stick to the facts, no blaming, no emotional outburst.
Express your feelings and opinions about it. assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident. give a brief rationale. use phrases such as 'i want,' 'i don't want,' instead of 'i need,' 'you should,' or 'i can't.'
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying NO clearly. Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don't expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining consequences. Tell the person in positive effects of getting what you want or need. tell him or her the negative effects of your not getting it. help the person feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want. reward him or her afterwards.
(stay) Mindful, keep your focus on your objectives. maintain your position. don't be distracted.
"Broken Record" keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over.
Ignore - If another person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
Appear Confident, effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner, make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. Don't say "I'm not sure." Don't be threatening either.
Negotiate - be willing to give and to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Maintain no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
Turn the tables - Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions: "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not able to say yes, and you seem to really want me to. What can we do here?" "How can we solve this problem?"
There are excellent tools here for regular every day use. Knowing how I am, can you just imagine which steps I will have the most trouble with? I sure can! I know I am not an assertive person, I typically don't ask straight out for what I want, I am just quite passive aggressive and don't come straight out. I will usually go along with it, but I won't participate so it will be difficult for the other party to achieve the result that they want. In an effort to be a more 'middle of the road' person instead of the ultra-passive one, I am going to attempt to take these steps and just stop taking all of the negative from everyone, J and my bosses in particular. I cam quite anxious to get started on the new job and not have to work at the factory anymore, and this tool may come in handy in the coming weeks when they try to negotiate my job.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
for better or worse?
Court on thursday was a bit of a good and bad thing. I will try to outline the developments in chronological order, but no promises. You all know how scattered I am!
So first, there was a redetermination for visitation court date in May. At this same time, we went in for our psychological evaluations. The court redetermination kept getting continued because we had lots of witnesses to go through, plus scheduling 5 lawyers to all meet on the same day & time is a feat in itself.
The redetermination wasn't going very well. It was suggested that our visits be rescheduled as therapeutic because the connection between J and the twins was 'fractured.' They didn't mention how typical this kind of separated fracturing is when parents are separated from children in the middle of the night. Of course the kids wouldn't trust him! These strangers came and stole them out of their beds in the night, and he just stood there. As a toddler, I would be quite upset too. So A isn't really hateful, she just takes a minute to warm up to him, like she does with everyone, then she's fine and dandy and acts normal, climbing all over him, feeding him toys and food that she's already chewed up... Just the usual 3 yr old behavior. They say that it (the 'fracture') needs to be fixed before we can proceed to level two, which means visits at the park or for more than 1 1/2 hours.
Next the psychological evaluations. I relayed the primary information already, but at the hearing, the doctor who conducted the evaluations expounded on them a bit. He said that J has severe PTSD. It's pretty bad. He suggested medication, psychotherapy, counseling, intensive. A whole lot of it. He is rigid, decisive, and has a stringent code of ethics that he lives by. Unfortunately, having a family sort-of butts heads with that whole code. The reason is that there are variables with regard to children and families. They tend to do unpredictable things occasionally. Well, that doesn't really mesh. The doctor said that he is strict and regimented and anything that doesn't conform to his idea of the ethic code gets bent, he freaks out, manipulates, ridicules, gets violent...whatever the reaction, it's all related to his head being haywire. The doctor essentially said that he should be under the care of a doctor instead of in jail. As for me, the diagnosis was that I like the regimentation and thrive under it. He said we're a match made in heaven because we compliment each other. The county attorney asked what would happen if I was too passive, and he just responded that we needed help. He said that I am quite passive, even though I don't like something. An example would be that I would compliantly go along with something, even though I don't agree, then I would resist in other ways so I wouldn't have to admit I don't like it. Yep, that's me! So it was kind of fun to hear him tell us what we were and how we relate to one another. Not too happy about the therapeutic visitation instead of regular visits. It typically doesn't bode well when they move it to therapy.
As far as the good part, J's father came to town and told him he was being crazy and to stop it. He's been a lot better since. Really just took his dad telling him that he was being paranoid and he was off the deep end. Glad that he came, but he was kind of a jerk. I asked him, 'have you considered moving here for 6 months to get the girls?' And he jumped down my throat saying I was being confrontational and forcing him to decide between his wife and his child. I thought for a couple of days and decided that i had every right to ask that, i was confronting him, a little frustrated by the fact that he wouldn't choose his grandchildren over florida for 6 months. Really? choose your wife or your kids...lemme think...So they keep telling me that if i leave him, i can have the kids, but it truly isn't that way. i know how they work, unfortunately. they want to break up the family with promises. it would be 6 months of impressing upon my family that i am not a sociopath like they think and swaying their opinion. since i'm not very good at that, there is no chance of me convincing them that i should get the kids back anyway. might as well prove that we are a great success story and get better! wish us luck!
So first, there was a redetermination for visitation court date in May. At this same time, we went in for our psychological evaluations. The court redetermination kept getting continued because we had lots of witnesses to go through, plus scheduling 5 lawyers to all meet on the same day & time is a feat in itself.
The redetermination wasn't going very well. It was suggested that our visits be rescheduled as therapeutic because the connection between J and the twins was 'fractured.' They didn't mention how typical this kind of separated fracturing is when parents are separated from children in the middle of the night. Of course the kids wouldn't trust him! These strangers came and stole them out of their beds in the night, and he just stood there. As a toddler, I would be quite upset too. So A isn't really hateful, she just takes a minute to warm up to him, like she does with everyone, then she's fine and dandy and acts normal, climbing all over him, feeding him toys and food that she's already chewed up... Just the usual 3 yr old behavior. They say that it (the 'fracture') needs to be fixed before we can proceed to level two, which means visits at the park or for more than 1 1/2 hours.
Next the psychological evaluations. I relayed the primary information already, but at the hearing, the doctor who conducted the evaluations expounded on them a bit. He said that J has severe PTSD. It's pretty bad. He suggested medication, psychotherapy, counseling, intensive. A whole lot of it. He is rigid, decisive, and has a stringent code of ethics that he lives by. Unfortunately, having a family sort-of butts heads with that whole code. The reason is that there are variables with regard to children and families. They tend to do unpredictable things occasionally. Well, that doesn't really mesh. The doctor said that he is strict and regimented and anything that doesn't conform to his idea of the ethic code gets bent, he freaks out, manipulates, ridicules, gets violent...whatever the reaction, it's all related to his head being haywire. The doctor essentially said that he should be under the care of a doctor instead of in jail. As for me, the diagnosis was that I like the regimentation and thrive under it. He said we're a match made in heaven because we compliment each other. The county attorney asked what would happen if I was too passive, and he just responded that we needed help. He said that I am quite passive, even though I don't like something. An example would be that I would compliantly go along with something, even though I don't agree, then I would resist in other ways so I wouldn't have to admit I don't like it. Yep, that's me! So it was kind of fun to hear him tell us what we were and how we relate to one another. Not too happy about the therapeutic visitation instead of regular visits. It typically doesn't bode well when they move it to therapy.
As far as the good part, J's father came to town and told him he was being crazy and to stop it. He's been a lot better since. Really just took his dad telling him that he was being paranoid and he was off the deep end. Glad that he came, but he was kind of a jerk. I asked him, 'have you considered moving here for 6 months to get the girls?' And he jumped down my throat saying I was being confrontational and forcing him to decide between his wife and his child. I thought for a couple of days and decided that i had every right to ask that, i was confronting him, a little frustrated by the fact that he wouldn't choose his grandchildren over florida for 6 months. Really? choose your wife or your kids...lemme think...So they keep telling me that if i leave him, i can have the kids, but it truly isn't that way. i know how they work, unfortunately. they want to break up the family with promises. it would be 6 months of impressing upon my family that i am not a sociopath like they think and swaying their opinion. since i'm not very good at that, there is no chance of me convincing them that i should get the kids back anyway. might as well prove that we are a great success story and get better! wish us luck!
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