Recent happenings

I've been neglecting the internet of late. I know, I should be more diligent, but it's so haaaarrd! I just never know what to write or how to write it. Practice would probably help!
Recently, things have been a roller coaster for my emotions.
The trial that was set for August 28, 29 and 30 was postponed to November 18-22 for an extra day of testimony from my two oldest children I presume. I have not been told anything specific, but am fairly certain that they will get up there and tell what a terrible mother I am and have been. I have been. Do they know me anymore? Am I still the same person I was two years ago? I suppose that is left to be determined. And yet I prepare for either outcome, hoping for both, as strange as that may sound. How can you hope for something so terrible, I ask myself. It's not that I hope I won't get my kids back. It's that I hope for resolution and am preparing for my time to mourn the loss and failure and regret that I will undoubtedly carry with me. I also prepare to get them back home. My gut feeling is that they won't be coming home. I know that sounds negative, but I have seen this system 'work' in all its dysfunction, and to the charming go the spoils. I'm not charming. I still hope, but I am realistic. I work hard every day to do what is needed to receive them home with the deep-seated understanding it may not happen.
Other events lately: On the day the trial was supposed to have occurred, I received my test results from the BRCA gene examination. It came in positive. While I expected this because of the laws of Murphy, it was still a great load to be borne onto my already weary shoulders. I silently wanted to ask God, not too loudly, 'Really? Seriously? Anything else you can pile on here? Boils? Oh wait, I've got a newly discovered gluten intolerance already, thanks for that too. Can you say repeat of the book of Job?' It's not like I don't understand why we go through trials. Perhaps I really do need to write more because the goal is to get me to write this out as an encouragement to others. Perhaps my suffering will save someone else. Maybe God is trying to teach me diligence (which I've never possessed) or sorrow (which I've never wanted to possess) or prepare me for something great if I just diligently trudge through the sorrow. Who knows. I now get to navigate the fun world of insurance and deductibles, surgery, recovery, and who will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of while I'm going to be down for a year. There will be an hysterectomy (full) followed by a double mastectomy, and if I'm lucky enough to get the insurance to cover it, a reconstruction. If not, it's goodbye bras forever! The biggest thing I worry about right now is the disproportion of my body afterwards. I know the pain will be overwhelming, the recovery will be long and slow, I know my wonderful friends will cover me with love. It's the rest I wonder about.
In other news, the visits with the children have been wonderful. Truly! I enjoy them so much and appreciate every hug and kiss like I never did before. I liken it to those trite internet sayings that whine about living every moment like it's your last. I do that now, every moment that I spend with my children may be my last. I might not ever see them again after November 22. At least not until they're 18. That's a lot of time. My mommy heart breaks every moment. I live in that moment. Each moment that I'm not in their presence, I ache to be in their presence. (sigh)
Shifting gears slightly, business is picking up. I have a new-to-me car that can travel at speeds greater than 35 miles per hour without needing to be pulled over, stopped, parked, and re-started again. It doesn't re-start itself as I drive down the road. The lights that are to remain lit do so, and the lights that are to be not-lit also do so. It's exciting to not experience stranding car problems. It's an older car, however, so I expect my share of difficulties, but so far it's not so bad. The car payment part is the scariest thing I've had in a while. Now I really have to be responsible! Uh-oh!
In health news, I have this budding gluten intolerance that I'm not happy about. I suppose I'll eventually have to eat fruits & veggies, so why not now? It's not like I'm happy with my ever-increasing weight anyway! Oh but recipes are so much fun to play with that I believe I will thoroughly enjoy my newfound dietary lifestyle!
Well, it's time to head to work. I have an estimate this morning, a house to clean at 11, then 2 or 3 events that are beckoning me (though I think insurance paperwork is heralding more loudly).
Thanks for reading!

Most recent treatment team meeting

This most recent meeting went pretty well. I was surprised to notice that the attitudes of the care providers have all shifted. The state and skilled staff over my children's case have all shifted to defending me. From whom, you may ask? From my brother, who has suddenly decided to be out for blood. He has said a lot of negative things to all the providers about me, so much so that they're getting sick of it and defending me. I'm really liking this! Not the part where he thinks i need to be convicted of more than I was charged with, but the past 3 meetings, he has been adamant that I can't do this and that he can. He wants to see me put in jail and brings up the abuse inflicted before Jason was around, which I've already taken accountability for. The treatment team is pretty pleased with my progress and say that it's consistent with my diagnosis. I'm gearing up for my next court date, and need letters from my support network telling the court that I have a support network. Other than that, I'm still having really crazy dreams. Scary crazy, and they're all the same.