On the 21st of December, while I was working in the distant north, my children were removed from my home for child abuse. My adolescent son ran away from home in the middle of the night, a Wednesday, and the police picked him up. What they saw was horrific, my son was covered in bruises all over his torso. Every individual rib was bruised. His arms were bruised. He had a bruise on his cheek that was as large as my open hand, which he later said was of his own doing (thank God! One of the hundred bruises was his own fault! Huge sarcasm here). My son has issues, don't get me wrong, he kills animals and tries to kill his siblings... but the police were astonished. He reported that he was told by my husband to go kill himself and save his little brother the hassle of being raised with such a person. This is denied to this day, but it sounds like something that would be said by my husband, and I believe my son. So when I heard, I left my job, on a 40 hour bus ride, home the next morning. I knew my kids were gone, and according to my husband, he had merely lost his temper after discovering that my son was molesting our toddler. Knowing the truth is very different, I just tried to hide every emotion and keep it together. I always focus on the next step instead of melting into a puddle of emotion if I can help it. My first reaction would be to just murder my husband in cold blood, being the mother bear who has been wronged. I kept it together though. I hid my emotions, and thought through a little bit of what was happening.
Wait a minute here, now CPS is involved now... My husband will get the help he needs for his mental issues (He is paranoid, antisocial, has PTSD, and a lengthy military career to make him just strange enough to be or seem dangerous, and the ability to go either way at a whim). How can I give up on the man I met? I know he's in there somewhere, under the 20 lbs of 'baby' fat he gained while I was pregnant and the craziness aura that surrounds him like the Pigpen character from the Peanuts comic. Now that he can get counseling, medication and a job, all required by the court at no cost to me, what kind of idiot would leave? If he doesn't keep his performance up, he doesn't get what he wants (the kids back home with us). It's like knowing the next lottery ticket on the spool is the winner and not buying it.
Sadly, I am a doormat. (please walk on me, thank you). I put up with things way too long. I do everything humanly possible so that when I finally throw my hands in the air and give up, there is absolutely no doubt that nothing else could be done. Yes, like continuing CPR after rigor-mortis has set. Pathetic in some circumstances, admiral in others. I think I'm in the former circumstance, but hoping for the latter result. Maybe-land. But I only have a month left, either way it ends up.
The purpose of this blog is an outlet for my emotions in a setting where I'm not being reported to the courts. It's set to private, you should only be reading this if you've been invited. I am so relieved to be able to get this out. There is so much incriminating information about my husband that has weighed on my heart and soul for these months, I am at a loss for how grateful I am at the opportunity to put it out of my soul for a while. The decisions are mine ultimately, but I'm happy to receive feedback. I am hopeful that out of this fire that is my life, something worthy will be left behind. I am learning a lot of lessons along the way. I am ready to give up, but I persevere every day with these hopes.
Stay tuned.
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