At this temporary job I have, I spend a lot of time stuck in my own head, in the circular thought patterns that lead to insanity. Today was no different, of course.
The job consists of great monotony, loading parts into a big cleaning machine that resembles a 'better mouse trap' design. The machine takes up better than 3 tables and consists of vacuum belts, 16" circular brushes arranged at every angle, facing each other, conveyor ribbons with spinning knobs, springs and air guides. All of the belts and ribbons need to line up perfectly so that the (mere millimeters thick) parts don't get stuck. My job is to load parts into one side of the machine, into or onto the feeder, watch them convey on the belts, then remove them from the machine, stack, count and box. Sometimes I get real excitement by having to check each and every item for thickness through a 'camber bar.' This is time consuming because each parts lot is typically 250-4,000 parts. Eight to ten hours of that. My fingers are raw, my nails are broken, I have blisters and cuts on my hands, it's hard work, but it is very mundane and allows a person to drive herself crazy with her own thoughts. I am working diligently to train my thoughts to not work in a circle, but actually get somewhere. Today that didn't work. My circular thoughts were a little interesting (to me).
My mother is an interesting person. She betrays me at every turn, as though I'm the red-headed stepchild. Among the things she has done that not very many people know about, she helped me buy a house and a triplex at two different occasions. These were great helps to me. On the triplex, I offered to sell it back to her at one point, and she told me she had it appraised for $250,000. I trusted her, big mistake. She had it appraised, alright, but for $450,000. She kept that. I thought I could make a real estate deal with my own mother without her robbing me blind. The other time, she put her name on my house down town. I put all the money in on it. I had $14,000 from the sale of a house, and since my credit was bad, she put the loan in her name, I put the money down on it. After 3 years, she had the mortgage re-evaluated to $200/mo instead of the $1000/mo we were paying. Being that I was pregnant and not working at the time, 85% of my husband's income was going towards this thousand per month. She never told us about the re-evaluation and pocketed the money for 8 months. Then, once the house burnt down, she handed me a bill for an additional $1600, saying it would cover the back-owed utilities, which she ended up not covering anyway. I am the only child who does not owe her money. I am the only one who won't take flights or trips on her dime. I refuse to borrow from her because of the cost that comes with it, but the cost doesn't apply to my siblings. They live on her dime and enjoy it. Recently, my mom told CPS that I took hallucinogens and smoked pot during my pregnancies. She has spent the past 3 months slandering every bit of my character and telling everyone in my family (which actually has been happening for most of my life) that I'm not trying to get my kids back. She is counting on getting custody of them. Perish the thought!
Anyway, the point of this, my circular craziness thoughts were about different analogies to liken her to. Usually I liken her to Fidel Castro (ruler of a small nation, being my family; controlling, willing to torture, etc). Today I came up with another one. Have you ever seen the movie, "Ever After" with Drew Barrymore? I don't liken myself to Cinderella in the least, but the character Angelica Huston played, the evil stepmother (the quote I'm thinking of is 'How can one love a pebble in one's shoe?' as she sold the daughter into slavery to the disgusting neighbor), is just so similar to my mother. Lady Catherine DeBourg or Mrs Bennett... Well, both combined (always playing the victim, but controlling everyone with monetary influence. I liken myself more to Lydia in the way I've behaved, but an aspiring Mary). Betrayal from a mother is more devastating than from any other human on the planet. My oldest child has sadly learned the same qualities from my mother's influence, such as lying to get your way and manipulating people to get information out of them. I, on the other hand, am naive and gullible. I trust too much and get taken advantage of far too easily. I always allowed my family to take advantage of me because I thought they loved me and had my best interest in mind. It is so heartbreaking to find out just how wrong I have been. Do they not understand that slandering people just makes them look bad? When I speak ill of anyone, it looks bad on me. The people I speak to wonder what I'm saying behind their backs. They question whether or not I'm capable of loyalty. Until recently, I didn't know this at all. There were few people to whom I was completely and utterly loyal with nothing negative to say to anyone who asked. (Just so you know, those people are reading this).
Anyway, the circular thought pattern kept replaying the nicknames in my head. Please, by all means, contribute your own in the comments! I would love to know what you think!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
To live up to the namesake of this blog
Here is another blog post. I intended to write on Wednesday night while at the laundromat, but the attendant at the laundromat seemed lonely and followed me around to chat. She is such a pleasant woman that I couldn't resist and put off the blog. I also had to ask permission of my husband to write what I'm about to write since it has been his request that I not share this with but a couple of people. When I did ask his permission, he looked at me as though I was crazy and said that he had always hoped I would be willing to submit myself wholly and honestly to the judgement of my closest friends. For, he said, how can you expect them to remain your friends if you do not allow them to see the whole picture. I was so grateful and at the same time I dread sharing these dark secrets from the skeletons of my character, those things which I am embarrassed and ashamed of now that they are in the light. What I have found so far is that you, my dearest friends, know me better than I thought, and I am so grateful to not be 'burned at the stake' for making such grave mistakes. After these shames are brought to light, I have news, both good and bad that has been eating away at the core of my desire to share with you. For lack of time this past week I have not posted, but I intend to TRY today, providing I don't run out of time today. Without further ado:
In the course of the past year, I have portrayed my husband to be quite the monster. Don't be mistaken, he was. The part I left out was how much of a monster I was as well. I still am a monster. I will always be a monster, albeit on a leash or sedatives or whatever the analogy may become. While I have not been a characteristic abusive person/parent/whatever, I have lost my temper with my children, curled up into a ball and cried over events out of my control instead of being a grown up, acted like a child, and I have cheated on my husband. That would be considered the worst part, but it isn't. The betrayal of portraying him as a monster is a worse betrayal, believe it or not, than cheating. In my messed up mind, I justified everything and lied to myself and those around me, believing my own lies that it was ok or whatever I happened to say to myself at the time to make it seem ok. The frustration I feel in allowing myself to fall so far is difficult to bear, but I deserve to bear it regardless. Another of the horrible things I did was lie to everyone else about why I stopped working in North Dakota. Instead of wanting to stay home, I wanted to stay away from the man I cheated on my husband with. Instead of facing my actions, I just chose to avoid them and what a convenient excuse it was that my children needed me. My reason has grown into being home for my children, but it certainly wasn't at first. My doubts about my ability to get them back have been nearly insurmountable. I feel constantly as though I'm not worthy to raise people - whole people. I feel like damaged people produce damaged people. My fear is that they will all be as damaged as my 17 yr old has shown herself to be, completely devoid of character, morals, ethics, standards. Ok, she has an ethic, it just happens to be the 'do whatever it takes to get your way' one that I hate about myself. My husband is quite upset about it, but has internalized his emotions to 'deal with when we are out of the storm.' There is wisdom in that. We spoke on a Friday night, the entire night, I confessed things to him that I didn't need to confess had I wanted to keep the secrets because nobody could verify them. I was combative, defensive, reluctant, but I also understood that this needed to be dealt with. He checked himself into the hospital the next morning with the hope that I would leave him over the course of the weekend and make his suffering severe but quick. We spoke most of the morning on Saturday, then I dropped him off at the hospital. It was a grueling weekend and I realized how much I need him; how I can't live without him; how he is my better half, and I am a mere half-wit without him.
You must understand that I chose my husband out of a pool of suitors because I knew he would be the one who would make me a better person because he is a better person. He is by far more intelligent than I am and was raised in a class far above my own. I liken him to Mr Darcy, even though we don't have as distinct a class separation as other nations. Ya I know we aren't as wealthy as the Darcy family, but his way of thinking is the same as a higher class of people. As a human, however, he lost sight of the goals just as I did. Believe it or not, this whole session with our children has been revealing to both of us just how far off the target we were and how easy it is to stray. Knowing this, we have both corrected our course and are on the right track (wow, i didn't know i knew so many cliche's). I am wholly his and he is wholly mine, until one or the other of us dies. I have spent too much time acting like my mother, dividing and conquering men for my own gain. The desire of my heart has been opposite, but my actions have not. Here is the course correction, and I submit myself wholly to your judgement, criticism, critique, and words of wisdom.
In the course of the past year, I have portrayed my husband to be quite the monster. Don't be mistaken, he was. The part I left out was how much of a monster I was as well. I still am a monster. I will always be a monster, albeit on a leash or sedatives or whatever the analogy may become. While I have not been a characteristic abusive person/parent/whatever, I have lost my temper with my children, curled up into a ball and cried over events out of my control instead of being a grown up, acted like a child, and I have cheated on my husband. That would be considered the worst part, but it isn't. The betrayal of portraying him as a monster is a worse betrayal, believe it or not, than cheating. In my messed up mind, I justified everything and lied to myself and those around me, believing my own lies that it was ok or whatever I happened to say to myself at the time to make it seem ok. The frustration I feel in allowing myself to fall so far is difficult to bear, but I deserve to bear it regardless. Another of the horrible things I did was lie to everyone else about why I stopped working in North Dakota. Instead of wanting to stay home, I wanted to stay away from the man I cheated on my husband with. Instead of facing my actions, I just chose to avoid them and what a convenient excuse it was that my children needed me. My reason has grown into being home for my children, but it certainly wasn't at first. My doubts about my ability to get them back have been nearly insurmountable. I feel constantly as though I'm not worthy to raise people - whole people. I feel like damaged people produce damaged people. My fear is that they will all be as damaged as my 17 yr old has shown herself to be, completely devoid of character, morals, ethics, standards. Ok, she has an ethic, it just happens to be the 'do whatever it takes to get your way' one that I hate about myself. My husband is quite upset about it, but has internalized his emotions to 'deal with when we are out of the storm.' There is wisdom in that. We spoke on a Friday night, the entire night, I confessed things to him that I didn't need to confess had I wanted to keep the secrets because nobody could verify them. I was combative, defensive, reluctant, but I also understood that this needed to be dealt with. He checked himself into the hospital the next morning with the hope that I would leave him over the course of the weekend and make his suffering severe but quick. We spoke most of the morning on Saturday, then I dropped him off at the hospital. It was a grueling weekend and I realized how much I need him; how I can't live without him; how he is my better half, and I am a mere half-wit without him.
You must understand that I chose my husband out of a pool of suitors because I knew he would be the one who would make me a better person because he is a better person. He is by far more intelligent than I am and was raised in a class far above my own. I liken him to Mr Darcy, even though we don't have as distinct a class separation as other nations. Ya I know we aren't as wealthy as the Darcy family, but his way of thinking is the same as a higher class of people. As a human, however, he lost sight of the goals just as I did. Believe it or not, this whole session with our children has been revealing to both of us just how far off the target we were and how easy it is to stray. Knowing this, we have both corrected our course and are on the right track (wow, i didn't know i knew so many cliche's). I am wholly his and he is wholly mine, until one or the other of us dies. I have spent too much time acting like my mother, dividing and conquering men for my own gain. The desire of my heart has been opposite, but my actions have not. Here is the course correction, and I submit myself wholly to your judgement, criticism, critique, and words of wisdom.
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