At this temporary job I have, I spend a lot of time stuck in my own head, in the circular thought patterns that lead to insanity. Today was no different, of course.
The job consists of great monotony, loading parts into a big cleaning machine that resembles a 'better mouse trap' design. The machine takes up better than 3 tables and consists of vacuum belts, 16" circular brushes arranged at every angle, facing each other, conveyor ribbons with spinning knobs, springs and air guides. All of the belts and ribbons need to line up perfectly so that the (mere millimeters thick) parts don't get stuck. My job is to load parts into one side of the machine, into or onto the feeder, watch them convey on the belts, then remove them from the machine, stack, count and box. Sometimes I get real excitement by having to check each and every item for thickness through a 'camber bar.' This is time consuming because each parts lot is typically 250-4,000 parts. Eight to ten hours of that. My fingers are raw, my nails are broken, I have blisters and cuts on my hands, it's hard work, but it is very mundane and allows a person to drive herself crazy with her own thoughts. I am working diligently to train my thoughts to not work in a circle, but actually get somewhere. Today that didn't work. My circular thoughts were a little interesting (to me).
My mother is an interesting person. She betrays me at every turn, as though I'm the red-headed stepchild. Among the things she has done that not very many people know about, she helped me buy a house and a triplex at two different occasions. These were great helps to me. On the triplex, I offered to sell it back to her at one point, and she told me she had it appraised for $250,000. I trusted her, big mistake. She had it appraised, alright, but for $450,000. She kept that. I thought I could make a real estate deal with my own mother without her robbing me blind. The other time, she put her name on my house down town. I put all the money in on it. I had $14,000 from the sale of a house, and since my credit was bad, she put the loan in her name, I put the money down on it. After 3 years, she had the mortgage re-evaluated to $200/mo instead of the $1000/mo we were paying. Being that I was pregnant and not working at the time, 85% of my husband's income was going towards this thousand per month. She never told us about the re-evaluation and pocketed the money for 8 months. Then, once the house burnt down, she handed me a bill for an additional $1600, saying it would cover the back-owed utilities, which she ended up not covering anyway. I am the only child who does not owe her money. I am the only one who won't take flights or trips on her dime. I refuse to borrow from her because of the cost that comes with it, but the cost doesn't apply to my siblings. They live on her dime and enjoy it. Recently, my mom told CPS that I took hallucinogens and smoked pot during my pregnancies. She has spent the past 3 months slandering every bit of my character and telling everyone in my family (which actually has been happening for most of my life) that I'm not trying to get my kids back. She is counting on getting custody of them. Perish the thought!
Anyway, the point of this, my circular craziness thoughts were about different analogies to liken her to. Usually I liken her to Fidel Castro (ruler of a small nation, being my family; controlling, willing to torture, etc). Today I came up with another one. Have you ever seen the movie, "Ever After" with Drew Barrymore? I don't liken myself to Cinderella in the least, but the character Angelica Huston played, the evil stepmother (the quote I'm thinking of is 'How can one love a pebble in one's shoe?' as she sold the daughter into slavery to the disgusting neighbor), is just so similar to my mother. Lady Catherine DeBourg or Mrs Bennett... Well, both combined (always playing the victim, but controlling everyone with monetary influence. I liken myself more to Lydia in the way I've behaved, but an aspiring Mary). Betrayal from a mother is more devastating than from any other human on the planet. My oldest child has sadly learned the same qualities from my mother's influence, such as lying to get your way and manipulating people to get information out of them. I, on the other hand, am naive and gullible. I trust too much and get taken advantage of far too easily. I always allowed my family to take advantage of me because I thought they loved me and had my best interest in mind. It is so heartbreaking to find out just how wrong I have been. Do they not understand that slandering people just makes them look bad? When I speak ill of anyone, it looks bad on me. The people I speak to wonder what I'm saying behind their backs. They question whether or not I'm capable of loyalty. Until recently, I didn't know this at all. There were few people to whom I was completely and utterly loyal with nothing negative to say to anyone who asked. (Just so you know, those people are reading this).
Anyway, the circular thought pattern kept replaying the nicknames in my head. Please, by all means, contribute your own in the comments! I would love to know what you think!
2 comments:
I've been there. I've thought myself into circles and wore my fingers rare with menial labor. I think, you either escape eventually, or you come to terms with the thoughts and live there forever. There were woman there doing the same thing for 30 years. I can't imagine thinking that way for 30 years.
Your mother sounds like my grandfather. My grandfather killed a stray nursing dog on Easter. He told my mom she was fat and lazy (in short). He seemed to take every last opportunity to drain my mom and dad, and it was all a business transaction. No family, just business. Back in town with no where to stay? Rent my apartment. Want to buy a house? I'll carry your mortgage on this house I built. You could ask him for a loan, and he'd help. He'd always give you money if you'd ask. My dad refused to ask. He'd go out of his way to make sure us grandkids got a birthday gift. He really made an impact on my sister, though, when she wasn't allowed back home he was there for her. After he died, people dropped by to pay their condolences, and told incredible stories of his unfettered generosity. It pained us to hear it. It was so unfair.
Alternately, we were the favored family of my dad's eccentric mother, apparently. Everyone else could barely find a kind word to say at the funeral. I was shocked to hear any of it. To me, she was the epitome of Southern hospitality.
There are two-faced people in this world. They seem to be harboring a secret addiction. I don't have a good nickname for people like that. My mom introduced my grandpa to my little sister, 16 years old. "This is your dad's father, David." She took the liberty of stripping him of familial titles. Maybe that's the best thing for her--the loss of title.
Wow....cross between Cathering DeBourgh and Mrs. Bennett??? That is quite the picture....
Okay, not funny, I think that sometimes I think when I deal with people that are very hard to understand talk in circles, never honest with you, yet seem to "help" you all the time. It is best to keep them close....you know the saying "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." You give them too much distance and a chance to forget you, they can use it against you. You give her as much power as you want over you, but admit your mistakes and be in her face. Don't be sarcastic...but be honest. I have a lady who is my Mother in law, who can almost make your mom look good sometimes, even though I know that is hard to believe. I live far away, but I cannot let her forget who I am, I am firm, but I don't let them control me anymore. So, there is my 2 cents for what it is worth!!! I love you!
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