This week

I am really enjoying the new job, and new responsibilities, but it seems like the new boss is constantly trying to re-affirm boundaries that are already estabilished. It is clear she doesn't trust me yet, but her reasons are a little strange: She seems to feel like I'm going to pull a hostile take-over or leave her out of the loop! Real insecurity issues, which is a new thing for me. She is incredibly diplomatic and forgiving, which helps! At the other job, today I got my official ID card and she asked if I will be signing up for benefits. I doubt I will, they don't cover my chiropractor, and for the same amount saved personally, I could pay for my own exams. The co-pay is still high, and they don't cover lab work until you've been with them for a year. Oh, but they cover glasses whether I get insurance or not! haha, that seems funny to me! I suppose if the kids were living at home, it would be a good idea to get insurance for them, as it is cheaper than paying out of pocket.
The new diet is becoming a strain, but I have lost 4-7 lbs (depending on what time of day I weigh).
I don't 'see' any results. This is frustrating. I know it will come, though. I am just eating healthy food 80% of the time and indulging in that 20% on a smaller, healthier scale. My version of unhealthy has become a scoop of ice cream instead of a bowl, an extra tablespoon of peanut butter with my celery, a glass of wine after dinner to ensure that I will sleep through the neighbor's party. I have stopped almost all of the gluten, all of the coffee, all of the eggs, and all of the nightshades. Combine that with my current restrictions of trying to not gain any more weight (i don't really care if i lose weight, i just don't want to gain any more), and you have quite a limited selection for eating. Lots of fruit, veggies, some rice, some meat (which we can't afford anyway). All the spice & season out of mexican food basically leaves tamales, which I loathe. Pasta in gluten free? Is there anything worse? And without garlic bread? What is the world coming to when an Italian-raised girl can't have half a loaf of garlic bread with her 4 cups of pasta for dinner?
I keep having this mental loop run through my head about my sister. She came to visit in the winter, here to CO, but never called while she was here. She stayed with my mom and visited my children. When she came for previous visits, she always made a point to leave my mom's company and go visit her friends. After she left, she sent a text to me saying she loved and missed me. I was told she was here for a week, but that isn't confirmed. She has had no contact with me and doesn't try to call. On my birthday, she sent a text saying she loved and missed me and happy birthday. I wish she wouldn't write at all anymore, it just makes me think about how little of a relationship we actually have. I have a closer relationship with my kitchen table than I do with her, and I don't even eat with my table, it just sits quietly in the corner, holding up my plants. Do you think I should do anything about this or just let it go?

counseling session - actually interesting

Last night, J & I slept in the desert with the dogs. It was an interesting experience because he had his foot surgery and was still in a cast-like brace. Dogs, as we all know, aren't exactly delicate creatures, I was a bit worried that this was his version of over-doing it. He doesn't want help with anything, which is going to be a bit of a problem with him gimping around on crutches. I am thoroughly enjoying the vulnerability, which sounds sick & wrong, but I have a reason. He is always so independent and strong,  I have to tell him how appreciative I am of the changes as soon as he wakes up. The drugs make him a bit tired, and the look of the 3 big incisions makes me queasy! Glad I never finished that radiology thing...I would have passed out at the sight of every patient! 

Oh right yes, anyway, so back to all things relevant. Out in the desert, we decided to sleep on the deck because it has been really beautiful. We had to pull the mattress out onto the deck, which is a big deal because he can't and it's quite cumbersome for me. He pushed, I steered, it was humorous. Got the bed all set up, he got settled, and the dog pounced all over him with elation and hurt his foot repeatedly. We watched a movie on the laptop, then watched the fireworks all over town (we have a view of the entire town, end to end), and then watched shooting stars whiz across the eastern sky. It was a beautiful night with an immense full moon that would have kept me up all night had it not been for the heavy blanket I pulled over my head, which was a good idea because there was one mosquito who apparently didn't find me appetizing enough to make it through the blanket, and the dogs thinking my space was in fact theirs so they kept pushing me around. In other words, I didn't sleep well, but I had a wonderful evening. Getting the mattress back into the house, I told J to not bother helping because I was tired of him over-exerting himself to the point of swollen toes, so I ended up wobbling and hobbling that horribly large thing back into the house with a chuckling husband to keep watch. He finally asked, 'Do I look that silly when I move it?' I, of course, stroked that fragile one-legged ego with a coy smile, batting eyelashes and, 'Of course not, love.' 

Back home, I had counseling in the morning which I was grateful for. This counselor I think is at a loss for what to do with me because neither of us know what the goals are for the sessions. However lost we are, though, we still manage to come up with goals and I give as much feedback as possible for how things are going. After my hormonal explosion last week, I explained all to her and included the doctor visit so that I could get myself back together. She asked what I would like to work on next, and I told her that I can't make decisions. How will I know when being assertive is the right move? I always feel like everyone is thinking circles around me while I manage to squeeze out one little thought. She wrote out the process for coming to conclusions and thinking through problems, which I can't tell you how immensely helpful that is because I get stuck on that all the time! 

Here is the list with the points where I get stuck inserted in parenthesis: 

1. Summarize what you're being asked to do (this doesn't often occur in reality, but whatever)

2. Give yourself time to think about it (I usually do this - I procrastinate until I have no options left)

3. Write down the options - all of them.

4. Take each option 1 at a time and consider the pros & cons. (I usually just pick the problem, and write the pros & cons for the problem, not the options. I usually get stuck because I feel like I'm missing something, then I abandon the effort)

5. Review the list. 

6. Take a break - go for a walk, take a nap, watch a movie, do something to either distract yourself or think about it in another setting (I love this step, but never make it to the next one)

7. Come back to it - set a timer! (I just don't like this step, so I never get to it. Forget about the problem, procrastinate, whatever)

 -   Don't forget to check in with others, but the problem is that I usually present my problem to everyone until they tell me what to do because then I am not technically liable for my own decisions. It's a problem, just in case you couldn't tell. :-) So I look forward to actually doing these things!