I welcome your comments on this one.
So when my dad called me the other night, he called to make sure that i was appropriately rebuked by his wife from her message to me the day before. I am really insulted, but i'm not sure if i should be.
My dad was a pretty decent dad when i was little. It kind of ended when he & mom got divorced when i was 8. What mom wanted, mom got, and he just allowed it. He is spineless to be sure, always led around by the wife and her whims. If there was a Hallmark card that said, 'Thanks for letting me know I wasn't worth fighting for,' it would be quite fitting for my dad.
He lives in CA and makes 6 figures, owns his home outright, and helped raise his stepdaughter's kids because she was a single mom. I have gone to visit him in CA at least 10 times over the past 18 years, 4 times of my own volition without any financial help (a feat considering my income is less than 1/10th my dad's). My dad has come to Colorado to visit 3 times in the 18 years I've lived here. Once because my brother graduated college, the second and third just to visit. The last time he visited, my 2nd son was about 10 months old. He's 6 1/2 now. He has never met the twins, but he does call once or twice a year and sit quietly on the phone in awkward silence out of obligation to stay in touch. He sends a lot of junk email my way every month. Every Christmas, he sends a check and on my birthday he sends a card. My children are his only grandchildren, and they don't receive cards, birthday wishes, phone calls, etc. In all, they are not important enough to come visit even every 5 years. Cool if he can't visit, but maybe invite us down to visit him? Every time I visited, I just let him know i was going to be in town.
So back to the point, he calls to chastise me for what has happened and doesn't have anything else to say about anything after that. He didn't call to see how I was holding up, didn't care to ask what happened. I told him anyway. He spouted his ideals without understanding the situation, and once he did, he got quiet. I felt like telling him how insulting it was for him to call me and try to parent me after not defending, helping, supporting or showing any kind of 'love' for the past 18 years aside from the occasional visit. When my grandparents disowned me for being a bastard child, he didn't stand up for me or mention the fact that it wasn't exactly my fault that i was born of a tawdry extra-marrital affair. He didn't stand up to my mom when he felt like she wasn't raising us properly, he just let her do it. I could go on, but you get the picture. Should I feel upset that he's just calling to complain about my not doing things his way? Or should i just dismiss it? Do i write him a letter explaining his mistake? Would it do any good? Or do I just let it go and assume that he will never change, just write him off like he has written me off?
2 comments:
You're not going to fix him. And pointing out his absence in the past 18 years is not going to help, either, but you could ask him if he's willing to help you now, and what he's willing to do to accomplish that. Would he be willing to buy a house that you could live in? Would he offer to pay your rent? Would he call every week just to see if you're doing better? Would he stop sending spam forwards? Don't ask him anything specifically, but just say, "I'm in need of help. What do you think you can do?" If he seems stumped, ask him if he'd call more often, that that would be good enough. (When people talk more frequently, they begin to see avenues they can offer assistance.) I don't know, but that's what I'd try.
Your dad has an interesting personality and the way of dealing with a problem....
You have been hurt by him, your other family members, and yet I would dismiss this. Don't waste your time on that right now. I would focus on doing what you know is right. When you are stronger and not in such a sensitive place, you can maybe deal with that.
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