Here is another blog post. I intended to write on Wednesday night while at the laundromat, but the attendant at the laundromat seemed lonely and followed me around to chat. She is such a pleasant woman that I couldn't resist and put off the blog. I also had to ask permission of my husband to write what I'm about to write since it has been his request that I not share this with but a couple of people. When I did ask his permission, he looked at me as though I was crazy and said that he had always hoped I would be willing to submit myself wholly and honestly to the judgement of my closest friends. For, he said, how can you expect them to remain your friends if you do not allow them to see the whole picture. I was so grateful and at the same time I dread sharing these dark secrets from the skeletons of my character, those things which I am embarrassed and ashamed of now that they are in the light. What I have found so far is that you, my dearest friends, know me better than I thought, and I am so grateful to not be 'burned at the stake' for making such grave mistakes. After these shames are brought to light, I have news, both good and bad that has been eating away at the core of my desire to share with you. For lack of time this past week I have not posted, but I intend to TRY today, providing I don't run out of time today. Without further ado:
In the course of the past year, I have portrayed my husband to be quite the monster. Don't be mistaken, he was. The part I left out was how much of a monster I was as well. I still am a monster. I will always be a monster, albeit on a leash or sedatives or whatever the analogy may become. While I have not been a characteristic abusive person/parent/whatever, I have lost my temper with my children, curled up into a ball and cried over events out of my control instead of being a grown up, acted like a child, and I have cheated on my husband. That would be considered the worst part, but it isn't. The betrayal of portraying him as a monster is a worse betrayal, believe it or not, than cheating. In my messed up mind, I justified everything and lied to myself and those around me, believing my own lies that it was ok or whatever I happened to say to myself at the time to make it seem ok. The frustration I feel in allowing myself to fall so far is difficult to bear, but I deserve to bear it regardless. Another of the horrible things I did was lie to everyone else about why I stopped working in North Dakota. Instead of wanting to stay home, I wanted to stay away from the man I cheated on my husband with. Instead of facing my actions, I just chose to avoid them and what a convenient excuse it was that my children needed me. My reason has grown into being home for my children, but it certainly wasn't at first. My doubts about my ability to get them back have been nearly insurmountable. I feel constantly as though I'm not worthy to raise people - whole people. I feel like damaged people produce damaged people. My fear is that they will all be as damaged as my 17 yr old has shown herself to be, completely devoid of character, morals, ethics, standards. Ok, she has an ethic, it just happens to be the 'do whatever it takes to get your way' one that I hate about myself. My husband is quite upset about it, but has internalized his emotions to 'deal with when we are out of the storm.' There is wisdom in that. We spoke on a Friday night, the entire night, I confessed things to him that I didn't need to confess had I wanted to keep the secrets because nobody could verify them. I was combative, defensive, reluctant, but I also understood that this needed to be dealt with. He checked himself into the hospital the next morning with the hope that I would leave him over the course of the weekend and make his suffering severe but quick. We spoke most of the morning on Saturday, then I dropped him off at the hospital. It was a grueling weekend and I realized how much I need him; how I can't live without him; how he is my better half, and I am a mere half-wit without him.
You must understand that I chose my husband out of a pool of suitors because I knew he would be the one who would make me a better person because he is a better person. He is by far more intelligent than I am and was raised in a class far above my own. I liken him to Mr Darcy, even though we don't have as distinct a class separation as other nations. Ya I know we aren't as wealthy as the Darcy family, but his way of thinking is the same as a higher class of people. As a human, however, he lost sight of the goals just as I did. Believe it or not, this whole session with our children has been revealing to both of us just how far off the target we were and how easy it is to stray. Knowing this, we have both corrected our course and are on the right track (wow, i didn't know i knew so many cliche's). I am wholly his and he is wholly mine, until one or the other of us dies. I have spent too much time acting like my mother, dividing and conquering men for my own gain. The desire of my heart has been opposite, but my actions have not. Here is the course correction, and I submit myself wholly to your judgement, criticism, critique, and words of wisdom.
2 comments:
I know you want me to say something, but I think you know everything I have to say. I'm going to remind you that I love you, because I said I would remind you. That is all.
What Ann said.
Post a Comment