treatment team meeting

Today we had the treatment team meeting, which is a meeting with all of the members who offer treatment to our family.
It began in an awkward fashion. When the people started to arrive, there was a palpable tension in the air. It probably didn't help that all of this stress makes me really emotional and the thought of not getting  my family back is overwhelming.
First the CASA rep came in.
Next came, at the same time, the case worker and one of the therapists. The case worker did not greet us, but had a sour look on her face like she was expecting us to gouge her eyes out or something. The therapist didn't greet us either, but lacked the dread.
We all went into the conference room and sat down, everything still really tense. Andrea, the case worker, started. She went around the room asking for updates on everything and giving an update on my mom, saying that she is in pretty bad shape, and starting a round of super-extreme chemo today in New York. She said that, as the eternal optimist, mom is saying how great things are going. She said they are going to have to look at alternatives for placement if we end up not trying to reunite.  I explained that 'great' to my mom is relative, normal is 30, having cancer is 70, she is excited that she's only at 7,000 instead of 8,000 because of treatments.  I was pretty upset but told them that, while I want her to get better, I don't want her to keep my kids, which is what she wants. It was all I could do to stay composed for this meeting!
Next the CASA started with S's first day of school. He refused to wipe down the table for the teacher and seems to enjoy disobeying because he has a sense of control in it. She next stated that he has visions and ideals that I am living in a hotel and my husband is not in the picture, but S and I will ride off into the sunset together.  The CASA then told us about the girls, how A got bit by another boy at daycare for the second time. The daycare worker is now coming up with alternatives because A and the boy are both dominant and, while they hold their own in a fight, they are escalating their fight for dominance. Z, on the other hand, while aggressive, loves babies, and the baby in the daycare is her dolly. She attempts to drag the baby around by the neck, pet the baby's face (which, given her lack of gentility, means gouge), and the rule is now, 'Z, don't touch the baby. you know the rules.' Z usually complies, but she just adores babies. Next week, they start preschool. I am heartbroken that I will miss it!
Next the male therapist started. He is a therapist to C, E and the family when they meet as a group. It isn't our family therapy. He started with E, how he is now playing guitar, loves to read, and is still very angry. E isn't supposed to meet with this therapist anymore because he is only a short-term guy, so E is being transferred to another therapist. E doesn't want to have anything to do with me yet, but I made it clear that I want my children, and I want to have therapy sessions with him. I'm pretty upset that he doesn't want to see me still. This therapist then told me about C, and how she still wants therapy with me. I have always been reluctant because for her, I know it would just be a session for her to vent and accuse me of things that didn't happen while I get to sit there and seem unreceptive. I have been against it, but decided to look at it from the perspective that, if I want therapy with the rest of the children, having it with C will be a gateway to prove that I want to heal the rift.
The case worker asked if I was really working for all of my kids or just the girls. I apologized for not clarifying previously and had tears in my eyes again, that my goal is for all of my children, for my family to be reunited. She then asked J the same question. He responded that he is scared to death of E and that he understands that his reactions and attitudes can't be trusted. (J just recently started on medication for his paranoia and PTSD and has been a space cadet ever since) The case worker was glad that he made that admission.
    The crux of this big meeting came down to the treatment team wanting us to be accountable for the story that the kids keep telling about the abuse. They heard ours, they heard the kids' but the reality is that the kids were traumatized by something that was likely somewhere in the middle. It varies from ours because of perspective, according to the therapists. The case worker said that they don't believe J about the abuse to C because he denies the abuse to E as well, and there is proof of that. I asked questions about what I'm supposed to be doing to get the kids back, and they said, 'that's like asking what color is round?' There is no list of where to start, which hoops to jump through, because I have a character disorder, or personality disorder. They tried to sum it up in things like how many hats I know how to wear. I am good at the three hats my parents are good at wearing: dad is funny & stoic, mom is victim and stoic. I combine them, but never learned the skills of holding my own emotions like a grown up, I just dissociated. So my job is now to work on becoming normal, with normal reactions, normal behaviors and normal normalness! Here is a list of what they told me to get started with (in therapy and with my friends, so this means you! I hope you're up to the task!)
Read Dr Young's assessment, which is just the diagnosis and explanation of the diagnosis.
Research Character disorders. Figure out what it means and how to fix it. Then do it.
The goal is to have a Permanent Meaningful Lasting Change and safe place for the kids to grow up.
Accountability for what happened, which looks like this: Here is what happened, here are the roles we all played, here is how it started, accept the responsibility for all of it.
Work on with my therapist:
cognitive strategies for memory
boundaries
connect with the discrepancies
take off the teacher/educator hat and put on the other hats. (i have to figure out what they are).
role play in therapy, with the therapist being each of the kids, and me dealing with all of their issues in turn.
Hope this works out! Feel free to help as much as you can. They say that character disorders, while inherited through the teachings of our parents, take a very long time to fix. I only have a few months.