I am really enjoying the new job, and new responsibilities, but it seems like the new boss is constantly trying to re-affirm boundaries that are already estabilished. It is clear she doesn't trust me yet, but her reasons are a little strange: She seems to feel like I'm going to pull a hostile take-over or leave her out of the loop! Real insecurity issues, which is a new thing for me. She is incredibly diplomatic and forgiving, which helps! At the other job, today I got my official ID card and she asked if I will be signing up for benefits. I doubt I will, they don't cover my chiropractor, and for the same amount saved personally, I could pay for my own exams. The co-pay is still high, and they don't cover lab work until you've been with them for a year. Oh, but they cover glasses whether I get insurance or not! haha, that seems funny to me! I suppose if the kids were living at home, it would be a good idea to get insurance for them, as it is cheaper than paying out of pocket.
The new diet is becoming a strain, but I have lost 4-7 lbs (depending on what time of day I weigh).
I don't 'see' any results. This is frustrating. I know it will come, though. I am just eating healthy food 80% of the time and indulging in that 20% on a smaller, healthier scale. My version of unhealthy has become a scoop of ice cream instead of a bowl, an extra tablespoon of peanut butter with my celery, a glass of wine after dinner to ensure that I will sleep through the neighbor's party. I have stopped almost all of the gluten, all of the coffee, all of the eggs, and all of the nightshades. Combine that with my current restrictions of trying to not gain any more weight (i don't really care if i lose weight, i just don't want to gain any more), and you have quite a limited selection for eating. Lots of fruit, veggies, some rice, some meat (which we can't afford anyway). All the spice & season out of mexican food basically leaves tamales, which I loathe. Pasta in gluten free? Is there anything worse? And without garlic bread? What is the world coming to when an Italian-raised girl can't have half a loaf of garlic bread with her 4 cups of pasta for dinner?
I keep having this mental loop run through my head about my sister. She came to visit in the winter, here to CO, but never called while she was here. She stayed with my mom and visited my children. When she came for previous visits, she always made a point to leave my mom's company and go visit her friends. After she left, she sent a text to me saying she loved and missed me. I was told she was here for a week, but that isn't confirmed. She has had no contact with me and doesn't try to call. On my birthday, she sent a text saying she loved and missed me and happy birthday. I wish she wouldn't write at all anymore, it just makes me think about how little of a relationship we actually have. I have a closer relationship with my kitchen table than I do with her, and I don't even eat with my table, it just sits quietly in the corner, holding up my plants. Do you think I should do anything about this or just let it go?
4 comments:
I would let it go. Accept what she offers you, offer her what you have always offered, but right now, you don't have energy to be dedicating to building a relationship. The nice thing about sisters is that when you are ready, they'll be there, no matter how long it's been. If it comes to you visiting her neck of the woods and inviting her out to eat, and she doesn't try to take off work or make time to see you, that's when you can start worrying about it and working on repair or cutting loose.
You're right about that...Energy to rebuild a damaged thing needs to go towards my kids.
I don't know when I'll get to Portland next, but that would really clarify things. She would probably respond with "Oh, I can't cause I'm in Europe" or something like that. She doesn't sit still for very long.
You know, sometimes Joy seems like she likes that though....with everyone, she likes to keep things casual and not too close as it might be harder. I would just love her as much as you have the strength to right now and not think about what she has not been there for you in the past, but at least she has not tried to hurt you, right?
You're right, she hasn't deliberately tried to hurt me that I know of. I don't know if she spoke to the social workers against me like Dave and Mom did. As far as keeping everyone away, she is a lot like that. I wish the therapists could see that I'm not alone in my dysfunction behaviors, all of my siblings have it.
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