It's funny how you can watch a movie and be so moved. Sometimes movies are just okay. They cause emotional stirring, anger, excitement, fear, making your heart skip a beat or laughter spill from your lips. When the movie is over, though, that's it. You leave the theater or get up from the sofa, and nothing changes. It failed to 'move' you. You were entertained. Nothing changed though. The earth didn't shatter; your world view was unchanged; your feet unmoved to alter society or the universe. Today I watched a movie that changed how I have been grieving.
The movie is called "Cake" and stars Jennifer Aniston and Anna Kendrick, among other notable folks. The main character has suffered a debilitating accident in which her kindergarten age child died and she was left crushed and reassembled, in constant pain, putting the pieces back together. She pushed everyone away in her spiral of numb, drug-hazed despair. A ghost of a support-group peer who recently died of suicide haunts her, talking her through her own suicidal thoughts. The main character lives surrounded by her late son's belongings, but desperately wants to escape everything about her life. She comes to grips with the fact that the world keeps turning by learning to understand what happens to others when we check out.
Since losing my own children to my own failures as a parent, I have avoided and suppressed, and generally felt ashamed, though trying not to, for the circumstances surrounding the events even though they were out of my control. It's unfortunate that American society does this to parents. First to remove children from a parent without offering the tools to repair their brokenness (which, by the way, studies overwhelmingly prove improve the outcome of abuse or neglect cases - just type "negative effects of removing children from parents" into your trusty Google search bar and read a few studies), then shame them forever when they try to reintegrate themselves into society with explanations of just what actually happened. We are destined to be pariahs, though. Americans don't believe in change. Americans believe that if the government steps in, obviously the people are definitely wrong about whatever it was that made the government step in. This is, of course, not the case when one gets a speeding ticket, as it was clearly the fault of the overbearing officer and not the person who was doing 110 through a school zone. That, the general consensus believes, is the fault of the terrible officer. We all behave when they watch, don't we? A society of double standards. The government can only do good when it comes to protecting children, but we are so afraid that they might come for yours. Sure, call on everyone who does anything not aligning with our personal view of 'good parenting' but if anyone calls on you, you'll have their head on a platter. The resentment is so severe that it will sever (see what I did there?) relationships forever. It's never their fault, but the fault belongs to anyone who lost when they went up against the government. That's exactly what this is, though. Going up against the government. The free representation provided to anyone who tangles with the government is paid by the government to manage the parents they deem unworthy. Side note: The government deems all parents unworthy. This might be a newsflash to some, but if we didn't have those pesky fire arms, they could easily take away all the children from the people who don't agree with their agenda and raise them to believe whatever they want.
Back to the movie, I watched the movie and cried through the whole thing. Not just those polite quiet tears that you can stifle, but the re-opening of wounds, the sick to your stomach, choking in your throat kind of crying that makes my face splotchy and red. I felt the anger, shame, horror, welling up like an ocean I was trying to hold back, from the depths of my core and pushing against my throat. The whole movie made my emotions move and change. Well, that would be why I'm writing a blog post right now, sharing my soul with the internet world. I strongly suggest watching this movie to acquaint yourself with loss and what it does to those around you. I strongly suggest that everyone on this lovely planet come to the realization that loss comes in many forms, and the feelings that one should 'get over it' are absolutely wrong. It will happen on its own. Our grief encompasses more than just the initial loss. It also incorporates into its black-hole grip the year beyond, the first birthday, or the first set of holidays without the person you love. For me, there are birthdays scattered around the year; then the loss of my terribly demented mother (she was still the only mom I had, though) who caused so much of the grief in my life; every time I see or hear a child, my heart breaks; every time I see a mother with her grown children, my soul aches deeply. I am at the point of saying to people, 'no, I don't have children.' It's just too painful to explain and be judged every time I say something. Please know this is terror absolute. To have a government take away your child and place them with the family that abused you, and be reminded daily of it. It's terror.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Monday, July 21, 2014
New Kitchen stuff
Getting ready to move is something I've never totally been a fan of for obvious reasons. It's a LOT of work! In order to 'trick' myself into believing this is a good process, I tell myself that it's a cleansing process, a healing process, a cleaning out of the dross, dust and stale things cluttering up my peaceful haven. It works ok, but it's still stressful. There are a lot of decisions to make for a person who is sentimental like I am. There are memories all over my home, of times, places or people who influenced me over the years. Pictures of my children and ancestors fill sections of my home along with things made for or by them. It's hard to let these things go for me. That's why moving is hard for me.
I figured out that buying things for my new place has really helped ease the stressful feelings and create a sense of anticipation. Browsing through Ikea's website the other day, I checked the clearance section. It happened to have a series within that I had been ogling for a while but just didn't feel like investing in at the time. Here is a link to the BYGEL series that I purchased for my new kitchen. Check out those prices!! I didn't buy the utility cart because I won't have space for it, but I just love that I'll be rid of that dirty old plastic drying rack. :-) Any suggestions for living in super small places? Please post in the comments, I'd love to read!
Here are a couple of pictures of the new place:
I figured out that buying things for my new place has really helped ease the stressful feelings and create a sense of anticipation. Browsing through Ikea's website the other day, I checked the clearance section. It happened to have a series within that I had been ogling for a while but just didn't feel like investing in at the time. Here is a link to the BYGEL series that I purchased for my new kitchen. Check out those prices!! I didn't buy the utility cart because I won't have space for it, but I just love that I'll be rid of that dirty old plastic drying rack. :-) Any suggestions for living in super small places? Please post in the comments, I'd love to read!
Here are a couple of pictures of the new place:
For reference: That stove is 22 or 24" wide, the fridge is 5' tall.
This is the living room. My couch fits all along that whole corner by the maintenence man. Can't wait to show pictures when it's done!
This is where the BYGEL items will go.
It will be really cozy when I get finished!
Birthday Visit with the girls
Today I got my hour with each of the girls. It was fantastic! I have missed them so much, and they have grown so much! I walked into the room, and I said 'Hi!' to the girls. Abi just stared at me and said to my brother, 'Uncle Dave, is that my mommy?' I wanted to smack him, but I waited and he said, 'yes' so she came running around the table and gave me a hug! Zoe followed quickly and wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed! Oh it was good to see my girls again!!
Abi said she wanted to go first, so we got into the visit room and got settled. I got spontaneous hugs, all kinds of great conversation, and she got her hair and make up done, along with two visits to the bathroom and a few new dresses. I gave them the kitchen and dollhouse I had been holding for them, with a cash register (from a friend) and a bag of candy to 'sell' to their brothers. The pictures are downloading now.
I forgot a couple of their presents at home, so I'll have to bring them by to the caseworker and let her pass them along. The girls were so excited to get more presents. Abi told me that she had a frozen cake at Bananas for her birthday this year. I told her under my breath and once out loud that she can see me any time Dave will let her. He didn't like that and said, "That's not gonna happen, don't tell her that." I wanted to scream and say, 'what, the truth?' but I held my angry tongue. It was clear he was frazzled and didn't want to be there, and everything inside me wanted to make it worse. For him. That, however, would not have been better for my girls, so I smiled and hugged and loved on them.
Pictures are loaded:
First up, we have a picture of my brother's car, parked conspicuously where it doesn't belong. The parking lot of non-handicapped spots is wide open behind it, by the way. He isn't handicapped. Nobody in the car is legally handicapped either. Besides being openly angry, I want to establish what kind of person he is in general. This does a pretty good job.
This is my Abi when she first arrived, before getting all dolled up! She did her hair all by herself today, like she does every day. She knows how to do a pretty good ponytail and is very proud to be able to do her own hair!
Abi said she wanted to go first, so we got into the visit room and got settled. I got spontaneous hugs, all kinds of great conversation, and she got her hair and make up done, along with two visits to the bathroom and a few new dresses. I gave them the kitchen and dollhouse I had been holding for them, with a cash register (from a friend) and a bag of candy to 'sell' to their brothers. The pictures are downloading now.
I forgot a couple of their presents at home, so I'll have to bring them by to the caseworker and let her pass them along. The girls were so excited to get more presents. Abi told me that she had a frozen cake at Bananas for her birthday this year. I told her under my breath and once out loud that she can see me any time Dave will let her. He didn't like that and said, "That's not gonna happen, don't tell her that." I wanted to scream and say, 'what, the truth?' but I held my angry tongue. It was clear he was frazzled and didn't want to be there, and everything inside me wanted to make it worse. For him. That, however, would not have been better for my girls, so I smiled and hugged and loved on them.
Pictures are loaded:
First up, we have a picture of my brother's car, parked conspicuously where it doesn't belong. The parking lot of non-handicapped spots is wide open behind it, by the way. He isn't handicapped. Nobody in the car is legally handicapped either. Besides being openly angry, I want to establish what kind of person he is in general. This does a pretty good job.
She gave her fiercest grin:
She seems to think her cheekbones aren't high enough:
She insisted upon having pictures of her hair pretties. I explained this special bobby pin is really special and has sparklies in it:
And the other side. Crowns in her hair!
This one is designed to show off her pretty lipstick:
Mommy joined in on the growl:
Mom and daughter have really similar taste in shoes:
Sunglasses are a total winner:
Now with a smile:
Darker shade of lipstick (don't worry, it's Vegan):
Duckface for facebook:
Fairy wings attached and a pretty fairy pose:
We had so much fun! We ate a lemon pudding cake, had apple juice, and chocolate milk from Starbucks (they need the cups for their new kitchen). I got them all kinds of gifts and sent my brother with one of those huge Ikea bags full of kitchen utensils and dollhouse furniture. I am worried he will throw it away and tell the kids that he doesn't have room for it. He could really take a lesson from my mom at this point, which is incredibly sad.
After doing make up and painting nails (with an herbal nail polish), we played 'darts' with velcro balls, cuddled, and played dress up. The picture above is her new dress, which has a sparkly rhinestone heart belt buckle. I guess it's time to get sewing for fall!
Next came my time with Zoe. Zoe is a total cuddle bug, but it's hard to keep up with her energy.
First thing she did was take off her dress. No hello, no hug, just off came the dress, ready for the new one.
This dress/shirt I made out of a cafe curtain that was in my grandma's house. It had a hole in it as a curtain, so I figured cute little dress would work. I didn't see the kids for Christmas, so I hung on to it and they got too tall.
Zoe pulled out the sit & spin and went 3/4 around once, then got up and was off to the next thing.
Better picture of the dress. It has little blue cut-out details around the 'waist' (was the hem)
Big "CHEESE!"
Showing off her pretty make up, which she put on all by herself with the exception of the eye shadow and lipstick.
See how the corners of her mouth just barely go up? That means "I'm ready for fun!"
There's my smiling girl!
We were going for a growl, but it didn't quite happen.
In this one, she put on all of her birthday presents. I made leg warmers to go over her braces, bought her a sun-changer t-shirt from Moab, and a pink tutu from Denver. The yellow gloves were super soft and came from walmart at Christmas.
She loved the supersoft gloves!
This is when she spots my necklace
But we go for sunglasses instead! She crawled right up and cuddled with me, arm around my neck, and we traded sunglasses a couple of times.
What a wonderful time I had with my precious babies! They're getting so big! Zoe wants a necklace just like mine for Christmas. I want them back for Christmas. :-)
Yesterday's run
All of my blog posts have been wrong. The distance was correct but the number of laps was off. The track around the park is .7 miles. That being said, it's clear that I lose track while I'm running and it all blurs together. I take this as a good thing.
OK, now that I've cleared that up, I can move on.
Yesterday's run was similar to the previous run in distance but the feelings had changed. We started with a quick walking pace in the opposite direction of our usual. Usual meaning twice so far.
I immediately wanted to quit.
My body was protesting every single step. Menacingly. My friend is a great support and gently coaxes me without harsh rebukes. I've explained that my whining is a cry for a gentle nudge, which is all I usually need. She will offer one or two nudges. I know that she will let me quit if I insist, so the onus is on me to push myself. I like it this way. If I'm concerned about something, knowing my tendency to be a hypochondriac, I ask if it's normal. If she says yes or has a way for me to adjust my posture to make the pain stop, I'm grateful I mentioned it. Usually this ends up looking like a change in what we are doing, I have not had to stop or seek medical attention.
Again we start with a fast walk. We go around the curve, which seems longer going this new direction. My body aches and doesn't feel good. I want to throw up and throw in the towel. What was I thinking, picking up RUNNING at 37?? Was I put out my mind?? This is usually the age where we pick up knitting or ballroom dancing, of for us midlife crisis types, we buy something sporty or sexy. There are always the ultra tame folks who take up skydiving, spelunking, or sell everything and backpack through Africa, too, but that's never really been my thing either.
I start to jog. My friend reminds me to slow down. Often. I need to hear this, probably more often, but I'd hate to have her think I'm not listening so I focus on going slow. I'm out of breath in seconds instead of immediately, but I still feel sluggish. I push myself to push harder until my body runs out of excuses. That puts us half at around the track! What? ? I've never gone that far without stopping, so I'm elated even though I'm gaping and red faced. We walk for a few seconds then I push myself to run again because I thought of more excised to quit. I have to say 'no' tip my body with every step. We slow to a walk and get back to running again quickly. The whole track goes like this, with bouts of running with a little walking. My body is threatening mutiny at this point. I can hear my shins cackling with excitement over how miserable I'm going to be very soon. My bad hip threatens to knock me over into an invisible pile of dog poo that will miraculously appear as my face rapidly approaches. My lungs say it's my fault they don't work. Oh and that little cramp I keep feeling under my lowest right rib? It mocks me.
We make it around the first time and I mention I had better run past the car so I don't give up.
It's a wonder my friend isn't bored to tears given the great shape she's in, and I'm grateful she puts up with me!
We keep going. She challenges me to make it to the public dog watering station which is about as close as Jupiter. My body is laughing at me and I'm surprised fellow park patrons aren't asking if I'm ok or calling the flight for life helicopter. Sure, we're only spitting distance from the hospital but I can't see that far anymore anyway. I push through the protest. My shins can barely take anymore, the pain is through the roof. My mind is foggy and my mouth is dry. I'm gasping for breath and trying to slow my racing hear down. I keep pushing, run or walk I'm going to make it around this park. Whenever I feel like I'm done, I pick a landmark and run to it.
Twice around. Once more, my friend suggests, and I say fine but we will have to walk more of it. My shins are screaming. We walk a bit, I feel slightly recovered, so we run again. I'm positive the track has grown by 10 miles while I was around the corner. When did those hills appear?? I trudge along feeling like Snuffalupagus but I keep going. I make it to a point in the 3rd lap where we are almost done. I push to a sprint to the car. Sprinting feels amazing!!
Saturday, July 19, 2014
It is not often that one can affect change with an immediate effect. Today I was given that opportunity.
I went to give an estimate to a man 25 years my senior. He was four weeks out from his third or fourth surgery this year, which had followed on the heels of an elbow, shoulder and knee surgery, also in the past year. When I arrived at his house, he was in tears because of the pain. He said the pain medications made him angry, that he felt he wasn't in control of his own emotions while taking them, so he had thrown them out. While he was in the recovery center, his teenage children moved in with their mother, an alcoholic from whom he had been divorced 10 years. Because of the woman's alcoholism and reckless lifestyle, the court awarded custody of the children to him with monthly visitation to the mother if the children desired. He encouraged the children to visit. When he arrived home after his surgery, he found his home empty with a note from the children stating they were tired of chores and rules. He sent them a letter saying that they could come home any time, they could have any of the belongings they desired, that he always loved them and that he was sorry for being angry with them. He said that he stopped taking the medications that made him angry, and he was always thinking of them. He cried while he spoke. The pain was beyond fathomable. The surgeons and doctors were astounded to see him upright at all. He had lost 2 discs and all the cartilage between them. His nerves had been pinched between the vertebrae, and he had been unable to stop the constant stabbing pains up and down his legs, in his feet and toes, and in his back. The surgeons encouraged him to continue with the meds, especially through this period of mourning. For two hours, he poured out his heart, repeatedly begging the universe for some kind of sense to be made of this. The loss of his children was overwhelming. He was completely wrapped up in the thoughts of despair.
In watching this man suffer like this, I was of two minds. The first was to exclaim that he ought to snap out of it. Quickly I dismissed this thought as callous because, in a truly connected world where we, as humans, act with humanity befitting our species, we would express emotions as they occur, especially the vulnerability of mourning. He was mourning, and how inhumane it would be to quench that. The second thought was to offer the things I had so recently learned, few as they are, new as they are, to the suffering being in front of me. What I saw when I looked at him was myself a mere two years ago. It wasn't long ago that I was in a similar position, albeit without the surgical inhibitions. My children gone, I was alone. I was in despair. I felt like it would be better to be dead. I wished I was dead. I felt the most horrible feelings about everyone involved, wanting revenge, wanting healing, wanting my children back no matter the cost. I spent many months in tears, not knowing what direction I was facing, not knowing which way to turn, or what to do. The next step wasn't appearing. The next step seemed to be thousands of miles away. Breathing was unfathomable. Impossible. Overwhelming. Drowning. I know where this man is standing. I know the hell he is going through. I feel his pain acutely. He is a mirror of myself two years ago. I see myself in the questioning. How could they betray me after all I've done for them? How could they? How could they? HOW COULD THEY?? I have given my life over to the for nearly 20 years and this is the gratitude? This is how they repay me? This is the love I'm supposed to receive? Is this how families treat each other? The cowardice, the betrayal, the ultimate hatred they must feel towards me to conceive of such plots!
The mirror was more evident the longer he spoke. I realized that in the midst of mourning, one tends to go over the same thing over and over. Ruminate. We do this, psychologically speaking, in order to make sense of things. Children will reenact a horrific event to the chagrin of their parents, teachers and therapists, in order to make sense of that event, or desensitize themselves to it. They will often change the ending or details within the event to reconcile it to their typical belief systems. For example, a child who witnesses a violent event will re-enact the event but will stand up for themselves in the re-enactment, or the ending will change with a rescuer. With adults, and many children, they will defer responsibility to others and attempt to present themselves as helpless in the event in order to justify their actions or inactions. We often prefer to not be accountable because we think it won't hurt as much. The fact is that it hurts more, and longer. The pain doesn't go away, and it doesn't get easier to bear when one changes the events to suit their mentality. The only way to conquer the set back is to step forward. The best way to step forward is to look at everything from every angle, albeit briefly. Ask yourself why. Why would the circumstances turn out this way? What would cause the people in my life to act thusly? Would they really be acting to hurt me? Or would they be coming from a place of pain themselves, or perhaps even a place of not knowing what was right, so they act in accordance with what they know, which might be limited? Walk in their shoes, get their perspective. Once you know why a person acts the way they do, it makes it a lot harder to get stuck in the anger and grief. It gets easier to take that step forward.
So back to today. I got to glimpse into the mirror of my soul when I saw a man suffering with the grief of losing his children. So open and vulnerable was he that I was impressed and compelled to listen. he repeated his stories several times in the two hours, but I finally began to ask him questions about his situation and offer feedback.
First, he felt so guilty about feeling bad, about losing his kids, about having surgery, about crying. I offered reassurances about his tears, saying it's ok to cry, how much more would we like to have connections, but he has been pushing people away, insisting upon always offering service but refusing to take anything in return. People who love you don't want tit-for-tat kindness, they want connection. He consistently saw things only from a negative perspective. He wouldn't recognize that he was breathing, walking, talking, capable of thought. He didn't want to see anything positive about his situation because the negative felt more comfortable, like he deserved it. It's his time, his chance, to make changes, to improve himself. I explained that his kids will come back. They always do. It may be in 10 years, but what kind of man will he be? Will he be the kind of man they want to come back to, or the same, stubborn, strict, man who demands having what they ran from?
My job as a woman right now is to improve myself so that when my children come back, I will be a mother worthy of them. I will be capable of guiding them. Most of all, I will be capable of listening to them and loving them. I may have a year, I may have ten. The people who wronged me will dig their own holes, and knowing them, jump into it. I don't have to do anything except improve myself.
I went to give an estimate to a man 25 years my senior. He was four weeks out from his third or fourth surgery this year, which had followed on the heels of an elbow, shoulder and knee surgery, also in the past year. When I arrived at his house, he was in tears because of the pain. He said the pain medications made him angry, that he felt he wasn't in control of his own emotions while taking them, so he had thrown them out. While he was in the recovery center, his teenage children moved in with their mother, an alcoholic from whom he had been divorced 10 years. Because of the woman's alcoholism and reckless lifestyle, the court awarded custody of the children to him with monthly visitation to the mother if the children desired. He encouraged the children to visit. When he arrived home after his surgery, he found his home empty with a note from the children stating they were tired of chores and rules. He sent them a letter saying that they could come home any time, they could have any of the belongings they desired, that he always loved them and that he was sorry for being angry with them. He said that he stopped taking the medications that made him angry, and he was always thinking of them. He cried while he spoke. The pain was beyond fathomable. The surgeons and doctors were astounded to see him upright at all. He had lost 2 discs and all the cartilage between them. His nerves had been pinched between the vertebrae, and he had been unable to stop the constant stabbing pains up and down his legs, in his feet and toes, and in his back. The surgeons encouraged him to continue with the meds, especially through this period of mourning. For two hours, he poured out his heart, repeatedly begging the universe for some kind of sense to be made of this. The loss of his children was overwhelming. He was completely wrapped up in the thoughts of despair.
In watching this man suffer like this, I was of two minds. The first was to exclaim that he ought to snap out of it. Quickly I dismissed this thought as callous because, in a truly connected world where we, as humans, act with humanity befitting our species, we would express emotions as they occur, especially the vulnerability of mourning. He was mourning, and how inhumane it would be to quench that. The second thought was to offer the things I had so recently learned, few as they are, new as they are, to the suffering being in front of me. What I saw when I looked at him was myself a mere two years ago. It wasn't long ago that I was in a similar position, albeit without the surgical inhibitions. My children gone, I was alone. I was in despair. I felt like it would be better to be dead. I wished I was dead. I felt the most horrible feelings about everyone involved, wanting revenge, wanting healing, wanting my children back no matter the cost. I spent many months in tears, not knowing what direction I was facing, not knowing which way to turn, or what to do. The next step wasn't appearing. The next step seemed to be thousands of miles away. Breathing was unfathomable. Impossible. Overwhelming. Drowning. I know where this man is standing. I know the hell he is going through. I feel his pain acutely. He is a mirror of myself two years ago. I see myself in the questioning. How could they betray me after all I've done for them? How could they? How could they? HOW COULD THEY?? I have given my life over to the for nearly 20 years and this is the gratitude? This is how they repay me? This is the love I'm supposed to receive? Is this how families treat each other? The cowardice, the betrayal, the ultimate hatred they must feel towards me to conceive of such plots!
The mirror was more evident the longer he spoke. I realized that in the midst of mourning, one tends to go over the same thing over and over. Ruminate. We do this, psychologically speaking, in order to make sense of things. Children will reenact a horrific event to the chagrin of their parents, teachers and therapists, in order to make sense of that event, or desensitize themselves to it. They will often change the ending or details within the event to reconcile it to their typical belief systems. For example, a child who witnesses a violent event will re-enact the event but will stand up for themselves in the re-enactment, or the ending will change with a rescuer. With adults, and many children, they will defer responsibility to others and attempt to present themselves as helpless in the event in order to justify their actions or inactions. We often prefer to not be accountable because we think it won't hurt as much. The fact is that it hurts more, and longer. The pain doesn't go away, and it doesn't get easier to bear when one changes the events to suit their mentality. The only way to conquer the set back is to step forward. The best way to step forward is to look at everything from every angle, albeit briefly. Ask yourself why. Why would the circumstances turn out this way? What would cause the people in my life to act thusly? Would they really be acting to hurt me? Or would they be coming from a place of pain themselves, or perhaps even a place of not knowing what was right, so they act in accordance with what they know, which might be limited? Walk in their shoes, get their perspective. Once you know why a person acts the way they do, it makes it a lot harder to get stuck in the anger and grief. It gets easier to take that step forward.
So back to today. I got to glimpse into the mirror of my soul when I saw a man suffering with the grief of losing his children. So open and vulnerable was he that I was impressed and compelled to listen. he repeated his stories several times in the two hours, but I finally began to ask him questions about his situation and offer feedback.
First, he felt so guilty about feeling bad, about losing his kids, about having surgery, about crying. I offered reassurances about his tears, saying it's ok to cry, how much more would we like to have connections, but he has been pushing people away, insisting upon always offering service but refusing to take anything in return. People who love you don't want tit-for-tat kindness, they want connection. He consistently saw things only from a negative perspective. He wouldn't recognize that he was breathing, walking, talking, capable of thought. He didn't want to see anything positive about his situation because the negative felt more comfortable, like he deserved it. It's his time, his chance, to make changes, to improve himself. I explained that his kids will come back. They always do. It may be in 10 years, but what kind of man will he be? Will he be the kind of man they want to come back to, or the same, stubborn, strict, man who demands having what they ran from?
My job as a woman right now is to improve myself so that when my children come back, I will be a mother worthy of them. I will be capable of guiding them. Most of all, I will be capable of listening to them and loving them. I may have a year, I may have ten. The people who wronged me will dig their own holes, and knowing them, jump into it. I don't have to do anything except improve myself.
Friday, July 18, 2014
How it feels to run Day 2
Stats:
Date: 7/18/2014
Circuit: 1.2 miles
Distance: 2.4 miles
How I feel: like I want to die (downgraded from Wednesday)
Time: 15 minutes per mile.
I arrive at the park at 6:31 am.
My friend is already there.
The sun is peeking up, the weather is beautiful, it's a great morning for a picnic. I'm feeling like I'd prefer a picnic given the trauma I put my body through and have been suffering with since the last 'run'. The past 2 days have been spent almost exclusively in a bathtub full of epsom salt with a drizzle of water so I can officially call it a 'bath.' I leave the water in there whenever I get out to go accomplish anything and get back in when I'm finished. I answer my email in there. I watch a movie. Oh, allow me to define 'accomplish anything:' This means I manage to walk to my room. Get down the stairs to eat and back up to sleep or get back into the bathtub. I occasionally add more hot water and epsom salt but the room temperature water doesn't bother me for once. I don't feel relief necessarily, but someone told me it would help so I do it anyway and want to believe it.
The muscles I've worked include everything from my rib cage down to the tips of my toes, and I do mean the tips of my toes because even those hurt. Every muscle between every bone in both feet feels like it's been brushed with steel wool and tenderized with a hammer. My ankles have a renewed hatred for movement. My calves apparently have muscles between the bones and all around them too. My knee pain is nearly non existent, thanks to therapy and a lack of bending, which is excellent, but they're pretty stiff. Only when I want to bend them do they hurt, and the pain is down to about a 4. Running has aligned my spine and neck and they no longer hurt. My hip hurts a lot, it feels like I have broken glass in the joint, but fortunately it only hurts while I'm moving, and since I lean towards lazy that isn't as much as it could.
Running day (today) comes and I am still incredibly sore, but I don't feel like I want to die. We start off with a fast walk, 2 steps per second. Knees up, back straight, shoulders back. We walk for a couple of minutes, and then start to jog. We are keeping the pace a LOT slower today. I am working to train my body that it's ok to go slower than I walk. My shins immediately scream at me, and the pain jolts to about an 8 instantly. If it didn't diminish almost as quickly when I stop, I would have sought medical attention. We walk, jog, walk, jog, repeating the 30 second stints. I feel exhausted much sooner than the last time, but my ability to not fall over is up. By about the halfway mark of the first time around, I don't want to do anymore. I'm ready to go home for that nap and cookie. My friend is encouraging me by telling me I'm doing great. It works, I don't respond well to drill sergeant style 'you suck and you can't do this' motivation. One of our discussions between inhales is about why I seem to feel like there's a difference between 'running' a 5k and 'participating' in one. My feeling is that it's a distinction to create motivation for me. This time around I may only 'participate' in a 5k, but by the next time I will 'run' the whole thing. I would like to eventually running to create a sense of thought clarity, instead of the current state of mind when I run which is very much like a neanderthal, 'step. breathe. step. breathe. step. breathe. step. breathe. step.'
We make it one time around more slowly, but more steadily. About 15 minutes. My friend is really working with me on pace. We practice running on the grass. This takes a great deal more focus for me as the grass is long and the ground is fraught with stinky land mines, dangerous sinkholes and massive caverns. I discover that there is no way I can run the whole two miles on my toes, especially not with the unevenness of the grass and my weak ankles added to the aches I'm still vocally suffering with. They feel much stronger already. At this point of the evening, the muscle soreness is nearly unbearable, but I'm not doing anything active until Monday besides pilates so I'll keep my whining to myself until some poor unsuspecting polite person asks how I'm feeling today. Then I'll unload with a pitiful tale of woe.
Back to the run. We make it around the first time, with the same push at the end to run for the 3 full minutes around the bend. Once we make it around, back to the car, I start vocalizing my little goals.
I'm ready to stop. (inhale) So lets push to pass the bathrooms.
I'm feeling (inhale, which is more like a gasp) like I (gasp) can't (gasp) so lets (gasp) shoot for the (gasp) patio
I feel done (gasp) so lets go to the box (gasp)
We make it to another bench, for a total of approximately 6 minutes of slow motion, painful-to-watch running, then walk fast. My face is beet red. I'm GASPING for breath, my lungs hurt, and so does everything else. It sounds like horse hooves clopping on the ground when I run, but my friend's dainty feet barely make a whisper. I'm jealous.
We talk about distractions. The distraction of the weather doesn't work, it makes me want to lie in the grass and enjoy watching the clouds roll by. What works for me is the increased health, smaller saddle bags, smaller spare tire, arms that don't flap in the breeze when I wave, and I'm hoping that other parts of me shrink as well. I am motivated by greater health. The possibility of living without medications intrigues me. No diabetes, heart disease, or other obesity related illnesses that my family is plagued with. More energy. Being able to eat more than a tic-tac without bloating up like a puffer fish. The possibility of looking amazing in a strapless dress also intrigues me since I have never worn one.
That's what makes me run. The quality of life I hope to enjoy.
We make it with small walking intervals all the way to the last curve again, the one where I push through to run for 3 whole minutes. It could be 1 minute and I just don't have any concept of time, but it sure feels like an hour. I run at an exceedingly slow pace, frustrated at my lack of speed, and my friend catches me rolling my eyes and says, 'what's that about?'
I want to be done, I want to be as healthy as my brain thinks I am.
We laugh and push through. It's all I can do to make it. She puts up her hand with praises and I can see nothing else but the goal of reaching up and slapping the hand in a celebratory gesture. The rest of the world is black spots while I breathe deeply to catch my breath. I would feel like a real idiot if I miss. I don't miss. I doubled my distance.
Now that most of the day is gone, my ribs ache, and every muscle in my legs and feet ache. My appetite is up for carbs but I eat steak that I've been marinating all day first so I don't load up on junk food. When I feel full, I know it's too late, but the steak is tasty so I mindlessly eat more of it until the signal reaches my brain. It hurts to walk but I feel warm, like my blood is pumping through every extremity. My head is clear and I'm accomplishing more today.
Date: 7/18/2014
Circuit: 1.2 miles
Distance: 2.4 miles
How I feel: like I want to die (downgraded from Wednesday)
Time: 15 minutes per mile.
I arrive at the park at 6:31 am.
My friend is already there.
The sun is peeking up, the weather is beautiful, it's a great morning for a picnic. I'm feeling like I'd prefer a picnic given the trauma I put my body through and have been suffering with since the last 'run'. The past 2 days have been spent almost exclusively in a bathtub full of epsom salt with a drizzle of water so I can officially call it a 'bath.' I leave the water in there whenever I get out to go accomplish anything and get back in when I'm finished. I answer my email in there. I watch a movie. Oh, allow me to define 'accomplish anything:' This means I manage to walk to my room. Get down the stairs to eat and back up to sleep or get back into the bathtub. I occasionally add more hot water and epsom salt but the room temperature water doesn't bother me for once. I don't feel relief necessarily, but someone told me it would help so I do it anyway and want to believe it.
The muscles I've worked include everything from my rib cage down to the tips of my toes, and I do mean the tips of my toes because even those hurt. Every muscle between every bone in both feet feels like it's been brushed with steel wool and tenderized with a hammer. My ankles have a renewed hatred for movement. My calves apparently have muscles between the bones and all around them too. My knee pain is nearly non existent, thanks to therapy and a lack of bending, which is excellent, but they're pretty stiff. Only when I want to bend them do they hurt, and the pain is down to about a 4. Running has aligned my spine and neck and they no longer hurt. My hip hurts a lot, it feels like I have broken glass in the joint, but fortunately it only hurts while I'm moving, and since I lean towards lazy that isn't as much as it could.
Running day (today) comes and I am still incredibly sore, but I don't feel like I want to die. We start off with a fast walk, 2 steps per second. Knees up, back straight, shoulders back. We walk for a couple of minutes, and then start to jog. We are keeping the pace a LOT slower today. I am working to train my body that it's ok to go slower than I walk. My shins immediately scream at me, and the pain jolts to about an 8 instantly. If it didn't diminish almost as quickly when I stop, I would have sought medical attention. We walk, jog, walk, jog, repeating the 30 second stints. I feel exhausted much sooner than the last time, but my ability to not fall over is up. By about the halfway mark of the first time around, I don't want to do anymore. I'm ready to go home for that nap and cookie. My friend is encouraging me by telling me I'm doing great. It works, I don't respond well to drill sergeant style 'you suck and you can't do this' motivation. One of our discussions between inhales is about why I seem to feel like there's a difference between 'running' a 5k and 'participating' in one. My feeling is that it's a distinction to create motivation for me. This time around I may only 'participate' in a 5k, but by the next time I will 'run' the whole thing. I would like to eventually running to create a sense of thought clarity, instead of the current state of mind when I run which is very much like a neanderthal, 'step. breathe. step. breathe. step. breathe. step. breathe. step.'
We make it one time around more slowly, but more steadily. About 15 minutes. My friend is really working with me on pace. We practice running on the grass. This takes a great deal more focus for me as the grass is long and the ground is fraught with stinky land mines, dangerous sinkholes and massive caverns. I discover that there is no way I can run the whole two miles on my toes, especially not with the unevenness of the grass and my weak ankles added to the aches I'm still vocally suffering with. They feel much stronger already. At this point of the evening, the muscle soreness is nearly unbearable, but I'm not doing anything active until Monday besides pilates so I'll keep my whining to myself until some poor unsuspecting polite person asks how I'm feeling today. Then I'll unload with a pitiful tale of woe.
Back to the run. We make it around the first time, with the same push at the end to run for the 3 full minutes around the bend. Once we make it around, back to the car, I start vocalizing my little goals.
I'm ready to stop. (inhale) So lets push to pass the bathrooms.
I'm feeling (inhale, which is more like a gasp) like I (gasp) can't (gasp) so lets (gasp) shoot for the (gasp) patio
I feel done (gasp) so lets go to the box (gasp)
We make it to another bench, for a total of approximately 6 minutes of slow motion, painful-to-watch running, then walk fast. My face is beet red. I'm GASPING for breath, my lungs hurt, and so does everything else. It sounds like horse hooves clopping on the ground when I run, but my friend's dainty feet barely make a whisper. I'm jealous.
We talk about distractions. The distraction of the weather doesn't work, it makes me want to lie in the grass and enjoy watching the clouds roll by. What works for me is the increased health, smaller saddle bags, smaller spare tire, arms that don't flap in the breeze when I wave, and I'm hoping that other parts of me shrink as well. I am motivated by greater health. The possibility of living without medications intrigues me. No diabetes, heart disease, or other obesity related illnesses that my family is plagued with. More energy. Being able to eat more than a tic-tac without bloating up like a puffer fish. The possibility of looking amazing in a strapless dress also intrigues me since I have never worn one.
That's what makes me run. The quality of life I hope to enjoy.
We make it with small walking intervals all the way to the last curve again, the one where I push through to run for 3 whole minutes. It could be 1 minute and I just don't have any concept of time, but it sure feels like an hour. I run at an exceedingly slow pace, frustrated at my lack of speed, and my friend catches me rolling my eyes and says, 'what's that about?'
I want to be done, I want to be as healthy as my brain thinks I am.
We laugh and push through. It's all I can do to make it. She puts up her hand with praises and I can see nothing else but the goal of reaching up and slapping the hand in a celebratory gesture. The rest of the world is black spots while I breathe deeply to catch my breath. I would feel like a real idiot if I miss. I don't miss. I doubled my distance.
Now that most of the day is gone, my ribs ache, and every muscle in my legs and feet ache. My appetite is up for carbs but I eat steak that I've been marinating all day first so I don't load up on junk food. When I feel full, I know it's too late, but the steak is tasty so I mindlessly eat more of it until the signal reaches my brain. It hurts to walk but I feel warm, like my blood is pumping through every extremity. My head is clear and I'm accomplishing more today.
How it feels to run (if you're not a runner) Day 1.
Stats:
Park track: 1.2 miles all the way around.
Date: 7/16/2014
Distance: 1.2 miles
Time: 11 minutes and a few seconds.
How do I feel at the end: I want to die, but I'm too tired to figure out how.
I want to share with you the experience of running from a perspective of never having been active before. I never ran in high school (I walked the mile), college (no activity at all) and all during having children, the most extensive activity was either walking or Pilates, which consists mostly of lying on the floor and calisthenics. I don't hike, I only bike on flat or mostly flat surfaces and only a couple of miles at a time, but usually on the hardest gear so I won't have to move much. No cardio. Ever. I'm the kind of girl who hates sweating. It's icky and sticky and makes me feel uncomfortable to do the things that make me sweaty. I clean houses for work and that is about as active as I like to get.
From my last post, you know now that I have extremely flexible ligaments and little muscle tone. This makes a lot of things difficult and several more rather amusing. Something else you should know is that I have an average-to-high pain tolerance and usually live my life in absolutely NO pain because it's uncomfortable. When I'm in any pain, I try to fix it immediately. I'll start with a short list of the 'ailments' (or excuses) that I was feeling the day I decided to start running on a pain scale of 1-10 (10 being I require hospitalization and a Morphine drip, 1 being I have absolutely NO pain at all). This is before I ever ran a step:
Bad kidney (doesn't bother me anymore really)
Bad knees - 7
Bad hip - after walking about 15 minutes, 8
flimsy ankles - 2
general fatigue and worn out feeling - 4
back pain - 3
ribs out of place 5
neck out of place 6
I'm also hypoglycemic and have a mild heart murmur/irregular heart beat (two Dr's gave 2 opinions)
So that's what I started with on Tuesday the 15th of July, 2014. For me that's a lot of ailments. If you add to that all of my preconceived notions of ailments, the list goes on, but those are just me being a hypochondriac (no really it's legit). These are the documented ailments.
I woke up early on Wednesday, 5:30 am. I laid in bed debating which excuse could get me out of the day without too much reprisal, and then rolled out of bed anyway. I took care of my morningly routine and headed out the door at 6:15.
I know that if I eat before I exercise, I'm gonna be sick. Ergo, breakfast was skipped. When I get a little farther along, it will be necessary to overcome this.
I got to the park at 6:25 and took the opportunity to check my email and facebook (imagine that, no activity and only junk mail). Deleted junk mail. My marathon buddy pulled up and I applied a generous coating of Terra Shield essential oil to avoid getting eaten alive by the pre-dawn mosquitos. It works great against mosquitos, but not those nasty flying teeth gnats. I'll have to find something else for those. My friend got the dogs on a leash and we we chatted a bit about expectations then we were off!
Within seconds of starting, a shooting pain stabbed through my right foot and ankle and I felt like falling to the ground for a good cry. I pushed through it because I know a stronger ankle will fix that.
The pain went away about 20 steps later. At that point, I was already out of breath. Run on your toes, she says, it is better for shock absorption. Keep the shoulders back, head high, on the toes, slow down.
My mind is in shape, what's wrong with my body?? Why am I panting? I can see the goal, why am I not there yet? Oh ya, because I've spent nearly 37 years neglecting and abusing the poor thing. I keep going. My lungs hurt!!
I ask my friend, what is a normal level of pain to be experiencing? I describe the pain. She tells me that my pains and aches are normal and they'll go away if I keep running. Ok. I'll be fine. She tells me I'm doing great and I believe her.
A few seconds later, it's time to walk, so we walk fast, knees up. The knees up part is as hard as the running!! I am nearly recovered. Nearly recovered means that I've caught my breath and I don't see black spots, but my heart rate is still slightly elevated. I do this by taking deep breaths more slowly than I feel comfortable doing. I inhale and exhale slowly until I can inhale for 4 steps, exhale for 4 steps. My body wants in-out every step. I am walking at approximately two steps per second. Right about now, I am aching with thirst and want a nap.
We run again. Slow down, knees up, on your toes as much as possible she says. I'm doing great she exclaims. The dogs are busied and she tells me she will catch up. I continue to jog at a mentally excruciating pace, but it's more than my body wants. I make it all the way around the curve before walking again, about 3 minutes. I walk for 1 minute. She catches up, we jog again. I am ready to lie down and get a crane to carry me back to the car.
I keep going too fast, so she reminds me of a slower pace and tells me it's better on my body to start slow until I can run the whole distance.
This is where I suddenly don't feel pain anymore, at .8 of 1 mile. We continue to jog and, while I'm exhausted, it feels like I can do it if I push. Like giving birth or eating a sandwich, I realize I'm nearly done and quitting now is going to leave me feeling dissatisfied with the experience. We nearly make it back to the car, and I opt to push and run the remainder, about 3 minutes. The whole time around is 1.2 miles. I am disappointed mentally that I couldn't sprout wings and just fly, but my body is grateful we've stopped. My face is beet red, I'm sweating (ew) and I'd like a nap and a cookie please and thank you. I never knew I had stuff in my lungs to hack up, but (surprise!) I do so now. We stretch, I catch my breath and know this will hurt later but I feel really good that I 'ran' a mile. It took 11 minutes and change, but I feel like I can do this!
Park track: 1.2 miles all the way around.
Date: 7/16/2014
Distance: 1.2 miles
Time: 11 minutes and a few seconds.
How do I feel at the end: I want to die, but I'm too tired to figure out how.
I want to share with you the experience of running from a perspective of never having been active before. I never ran in high school (I walked the mile), college (no activity at all) and all during having children, the most extensive activity was either walking or Pilates, which consists mostly of lying on the floor and calisthenics. I don't hike, I only bike on flat or mostly flat surfaces and only a couple of miles at a time, but usually on the hardest gear so I won't have to move much. No cardio. Ever. I'm the kind of girl who hates sweating. It's icky and sticky and makes me feel uncomfortable to do the things that make me sweaty. I clean houses for work and that is about as active as I like to get.
From my last post, you know now that I have extremely flexible ligaments and little muscle tone. This makes a lot of things difficult and several more rather amusing. Something else you should know is that I have an average-to-high pain tolerance and usually live my life in absolutely NO pain because it's uncomfortable. When I'm in any pain, I try to fix it immediately. I'll start with a short list of the 'ailments' (or excuses) that I was feeling the day I decided to start running on a pain scale of 1-10 (10 being I require hospitalization and a Morphine drip, 1 being I have absolutely NO pain at all). This is before I ever ran a step:
Bad kidney (doesn't bother me anymore really)
Bad knees - 7
Bad hip - after walking about 15 minutes, 8
flimsy ankles - 2
general fatigue and worn out feeling - 4
back pain - 3
ribs out of place 5
neck out of place 6
I'm also hypoglycemic and have a mild heart murmur/irregular heart beat (two Dr's gave 2 opinions)
So that's what I started with on Tuesday the 15th of July, 2014. For me that's a lot of ailments. If you add to that all of my preconceived notions of ailments, the list goes on, but those are just me being a hypochondriac (no really it's legit). These are the documented ailments.
I woke up early on Wednesday, 5:30 am. I laid in bed debating which excuse could get me out of the day without too much reprisal, and then rolled out of bed anyway. I took care of my morningly routine and headed out the door at 6:15.
I know that if I eat before I exercise, I'm gonna be sick. Ergo, breakfast was skipped. When I get a little farther along, it will be necessary to overcome this.
I got to the park at 6:25 and took the opportunity to check my email and facebook (imagine that, no activity and only junk mail). Deleted junk mail. My marathon buddy pulled up and I applied a generous coating of Terra Shield essential oil to avoid getting eaten alive by the pre-dawn mosquitos. It works great against mosquitos, but not those nasty flying teeth gnats. I'll have to find something else for those. My friend got the dogs on a leash and we we chatted a bit about expectations then we were off!
Within seconds of starting, a shooting pain stabbed through my right foot and ankle and I felt like falling to the ground for a good cry. I pushed through it because I know a stronger ankle will fix that.
The pain went away about 20 steps later. At that point, I was already out of breath. Run on your toes, she says, it is better for shock absorption. Keep the shoulders back, head high, on the toes, slow down.
My mind is in shape, what's wrong with my body?? Why am I panting? I can see the goal, why am I not there yet? Oh ya, because I've spent nearly 37 years neglecting and abusing the poor thing. I keep going. My lungs hurt!!
I ask my friend, what is a normal level of pain to be experiencing? I describe the pain. She tells me that my pains and aches are normal and they'll go away if I keep running. Ok. I'll be fine. She tells me I'm doing great and I believe her.
A few seconds later, it's time to walk, so we walk fast, knees up. The knees up part is as hard as the running!! I am nearly recovered. Nearly recovered means that I've caught my breath and I don't see black spots, but my heart rate is still slightly elevated. I do this by taking deep breaths more slowly than I feel comfortable doing. I inhale and exhale slowly until I can inhale for 4 steps, exhale for 4 steps. My body wants in-out every step. I am walking at approximately two steps per second. Right about now, I am aching with thirst and want a nap.
We run again. Slow down, knees up, on your toes as much as possible she says. I'm doing great she exclaims. The dogs are busied and she tells me she will catch up. I continue to jog at a mentally excruciating pace, but it's more than my body wants. I make it all the way around the curve before walking again, about 3 minutes. I walk for 1 minute. She catches up, we jog again. I am ready to lie down and get a crane to carry me back to the car.
I keep going too fast, so she reminds me of a slower pace and tells me it's better on my body to start slow until I can run the whole distance.
This is where I suddenly don't feel pain anymore, at .8 of 1 mile. We continue to jog and, while I'm exhausted, it feels like I can do it if I push. Like giving birth or eating a sandwich, I realize I'm nearly done and quitting now is going to leave me feeling dissatisfied with the experience. We nearly make it back to the car, and I opt to push and run the remainder, about 3 minutes. The whole time around is 1.2 miles. I am disappointed mentally that I couldn't sprout wings and just fly, but my body is grateful we've stopped. My face is beet red, I'm sweating (ew) and I'd like a nap and a cookie please and thank you. I never knew I had stuff in my lungs to hack up, but (surprise!) I do so now. We stretch, I catch my breath and know this will hurt later but I feel really good that I 'ran' a mile. It took 11 minutes and change, but I feel like I can do this!
Running
With all of the mental and emotional changes I've consented to making over the past two years, it only seems logical that I would want to change something about the physical as well. Over the years I've made half hearted attempts at "getting into shape" or "eating healthy" with the same results: I don't do it consistently so "it doesn't work." I'm not terribly overweight, about 30-50 pounds at any given moment. I hear that's the danger zone for heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and a host of other ailments. Given my love of all good food, this is a problem. Of course I also hear that wearing a bra causes cancer now so looks like I'm gonna die from my wicked vices. Add to all of this that I have a host of joint problems from being too flexible and not having enough muscle tone, that I have a sweet tooth, and a vast propensity towards sitting and knitting, and you have a hurricane of potential weight gain. With the hysterectomy and oophorectomy looming on the horizon, I've not heard any great things about health in the twilight of my life (aka Menopause) so I'm worried that if I don't lose the weight now, I never will. Enter "THE CHALLENGES!!!"
I began the first challenge about two months ago with a girlfriend who had made a commitment to do a work out a day for 10 weeks. We found one we liked (Sean T's T25) that was quick enough that we could squeeze one in every day. Shortly thereafter I began having severe knee problems and had to work out a lot less often than every day. Try once a week, if I could manage to bend the knee. There was something 'wrong' with my knee that was new and frustrating. I couldn't bend it. If you know me, you know how utterly flexible I am. Not being able to bend my knee one of the three directions it goes is incredibly frustrating and affects everything I do in my life. No bending, kneeling, easing into a chair.
No stair climbing, squats, lunges, jumping jacks, bike riding, walking running. No getting down on the floor with an expectation of getting up again. It was a very sudden change from feeling flexible to feeling old. I console myself with cookies.
I start therapy and I can work out twice a week if I go to 2-4 therapy sessions. The terms 'Meniscus' and 'torn' and 'surgery' are thrown around a lot and I get scared. Orthobionomy, chiropractic, and Bowen therapy were all not enough. Given how expensive that gets, I opted to skip working out as often. This went on for about 2 months. I was really getting scared. I console myself with pasta and ice cream. Often.
I knew I could fix my knee, I just didn't know how.
Driving through a Starbucks one morning on a whim (consoling myself), the barista happens to be talking with other baristas about exercise, and the conversation gets going about how she's in school to be a kinesiologist (physical therapist in my mind). I ask her what she would do for herself if she felt knee pain, and she said to look up VMO. I do, pick a couple of exercises and within a day I feel tons better. Not 50% yet, but there's a lot of improvement. I console myself with a protein drink and a work-out every other day. A lot of pain, but not as bad as it was.
Off I went to try something new to see if I could get my knee back without surgery. Enter active release Chiropractic. I go to see this new guy for whom several of my colleagues have given excellent testimonials, thinking it's worth a shot. I get my adjustment and he gives me a few exercises to do at home, more than the Google version and right at my level. Two days in and my knee is at 70%.
So today (July 15) I decided to run a 5k with a couple of girlfriends. One girlfriend is training to run a marathon in March and I've gone with her to train before, albeit on my bike while she runs. Little side note about biking next to a runner: It takes significantly less effort to ride a bike than it does to run and hurts different body parts. I would say that I can bike 7-10 miles for every one that I run/jog/crawl.
The very next morning, marathon girl and I get up extra early and run around the park. NOTE: I would NOT have done this on my own. Any excuse to get out of it, I would have taken. Oh, my period started, the sun isn't up yet, the sun is up, the sun is too high, there's a bug on my windshield... You name it, I would have totally backed out if I thought I could get away with it. I had a host of excuses ready to go in my arsenal. Marathon girl is really great for not giving me boot-camp style encouragement though, and I crave being physically fit without feeling bad about myself as a person, so I dragged myself out of bed and got to the park, still thinking of excuses along the way. Stay tuned for the next blog to see how it went!!
I began the first challenge about two months ago with a girlfriend who had made a commitment to do a work out a day for 10 weeks. We found one we liked (Sean T's T25) that was quick enough that we could squeeze one in every day. Shortly thereafter I began having severe knee problems and had to work out a lot less often than every day. Try once a week, if I could manage to bend the knee. There was something 'wrong' with my knee that was new and frustrating. I couldn't bend it. If you know me, you know how utterly flexible I am. Not being able to bend my knee one of the three directions it goes is incredibly frustrating and affects everything I do in my life. No bending, kneeling, easing into a chair.
No stair climbing, squats, lunges, jumping jacks, bike riding, walking running. No getting down on the floor with an expectation of getting up again. It was a very sudden change from feeling flexible to feeling old. I console myself with cookies.
I start therapy and I can work out twice a week if I go to 2-4 therapy sessions. The terms 'Meniscus' and 'torn' and 'surgery' are thrown around a lot and I get scared. Orthobionomy, chiropractic, and Bowen therapy were all not enough. Given how expensive that gets, I opted to skip working out as often. This went on for about 2 months. I was really getting scared. I console myself with pasta and ice cream. Often.
I knew I could fix my knee, I just didn't know how.
Driving through a Starbucks one morning on a whim (consoling myself), the barista happens to be talking with other baristas about exercise, and the conversation gets going about how she's in school to be a kinesiologist (physical therapist in my mind). I ask her what she would do for herself if she felt knee pain, and she said to look up VMO. I do, pick a couple of exercises and within a day I feel tons better. Not 50% yet, but there's a lot of improvement. I console myself with a protein drink and a work-out every other day. A lot of pain, but not as bad as it was.
Off I went to try something new to see if I could get my knee back without surgery. Enter active release Chiropractic. I go to see this new guy for whom several of my colleagues have given excellent testimonials, thinking it's worth a shot. I get my adjustment and he gives me a few exercises to do at home, more than the Google version and right at my level. Two days in and my knee is at 70%.
So today (July 15) I decided to run a 5k with a couple of girlfriends. One girlfriend is training to run a marathon in March and I've gone with her to train before, albeit on my bike while she runs. Little side note about biking next to a runner: It takes significantly less effort to ride a bike than it does to run and hurts different body parts. I would say that I can bike 7-10 miles for every one that I run/jog/crawl.
The very next morning, marathon girl and I get up extra early and run around the park. NOTE: I would NOT have done this on my own. Any excuse to get out of it, I would have taken. Oh, my period started, the sun isn't up yet, the sun is up, the sun is too high, there's a bug on my windshield... You name it, I would have totally backed out if I thought I could get away with it. I had a host of excuses ready to go in my arsenal. Marathon girl is really great for not giving me boot-camp style encouragement though, and I crave being physically fit without feeling bad about myself as a person, so I dragged myself out of bed and got to the park, still thinking of excuses along the way. Stay tuned for the next blog to see how it went!!
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Visitation hearing
With a family like mine, being an orphan is appealing.
The court case seemed to be wrapping up until January. It was then that I received notice that my brother wanted to be added as a party to the case. That basically means that he can have a voice, make input, motions, requests, etc of his own volition. He secured the Children's Law Institute of Denver to represent him for free, which is just what they do. I looked up his request to be added as a party, and figured it wouldn't be approved because the rules around it said that he had to have his request in to the courts in a 'timely' fashion, meaning before the courts made their ruling. He got it presented before a different judge who went ahead and approved it because he didn't know what was going on (apparently standard with that judge). The other parties were confused at the motion, but didn't object. They thought the case had been decided so why does he want to be added now? His intentions became clear very soon.
We met for the visitation determination hearing on the 31st of January, assuming we would get to find out how often I get to see my kids. It was supposed to be quick. Two hours then I know. That ended up not being the case. First thing, the county attorney calls Dorothy Rinderle to testify. She had previously testified that there was no way I would ever be able to keep up with the constantly changing demands of children because of my cognitive disability. This time, she testified that my brother had miraculously stabilized every negative behavior ever witnessed by anyone with regard to the children. All milestones had been surpassed, their development had jumped by lightyears. It was purely my brother's magnificence that fixed every problem. She stated without doubt that any visitation at all would throw the children back to the dark ages, mayhem would ensue, and all progress would be trampled.
After her testimony, someone called my brother to the stand. He took the stand repeatedly touting his relationship to his poor dear sister. He re-affirmed Ms Rinderle's testimony of the miracles, and how every negative behavior including toilet training regression occurred every time mention of my name was brought up to the children. Suddenly he broke into tears and required a 10 minute recess. We all sat around waiting for him to compose himself. Once he regained his mental fortitude, he continued by saying he dearly loves his poor sister, but that she is highly dangerous and the children must be protected by him without the court's help. He explained that 'the family' would be the only ones capable of protecting the children from my devious ways. No expert intervention would do, only he could tell what the signs were. He said that I bragged about how to properly abuse children under the radar for years, that I had brilliantly fooled all 5 experts who testified as to my mental condition. That my mental illness was so severe that only he could see the signs. That I should be gradually brought back into 'the family' fold, controlled of course, by him. He said 'the family' believes that I am extremely dangerous and only 'the family' can determine when I'm covertly abusing the children.
All of this took up the two allotted hours for the proceeding, so we had to continue the case. No verdict, no decision. We go back on the 13th for a whole day of testimony. I am sure I will be required to testify again, and it's likely they'll call the children who are old enough to testify. I'm sure it will be a spectacle like it always is with my family.
I called my sister after the court session was over and asked her point blank if she believed that I'm dangerous. She confirmed it pausing trepidatiously, and then saying, 'well, I believe you have made mistakes.'
Here is what is being asked for so far:
My brother is asking for no court oversight, no intervention, and no visits. His guise is that he would control visitation based on the children's reaction to the visits. If he thinks they react at all, he will stop all visits until he believes that I am sufficiently rehabilitated and will grant one more visit. If there is a reaction, he will stop the visit and not allow any further visits at all. He is also refusing guardianship as 'bad for the children' and seeking termination of my rights altogether so he can adopt the children, with a subsidy from the state of course.
I am seeking visitation. I would love to care for the children during my brother's numerous weekend trysts (1-2 weekends per month plus at least a week twice per year) when he typically leaves the children in the care of a stranger. I would love to pick them up from school and help them with homework. I would love to have therapy with my children.
Jason is seeking anything he can get, he doesn't care what it is.
So there is an update.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Klemmer
There's a lot going on and I feel like I'm in over my head.
I had planned to go to Klemmer in a few days in San Francisco. It won't happen right now, but it will probably happen in March. I am excited and can't wait to go. I was unable to make the choices necessary to come up with the money as quickly as I needed to in order to make it. As it turns out, a lot of things came together so that it would be better to not go at this time. Here they are:
The conference was scheduled for October 23-27 in San Francisco.
First, a treatment team meeting was scheduled for the 25th at 10 am. They told me I could attend over the phone, but every action is judged, and this one would be held against me.
Second, the only date I could hold my son's birthday party at the location where he really wanted to have it would be the 25th of October.
Third, the money I needed to come up with wasn't coming together very quickly. People are hurting for money right now and thinking about Christmas. Nobody is thinking about how they can help dear ole Jen get to a vacation in San Fran. I've come up with some ideas I was willing to do, and some not so willing to do.
Fourth, the court case is coming up rapidly. My business infrastructure is completely non-existent, and needs to be put together if I'm going to succeed. It's disconcerting just how much a business costs when you're trying to do it right. And with the expense of this ticket, I really put myself in a bind where I'm almost completely under water financially for a few months.
Here are the ideas that I have:
Make pies for holidays. I have a gift card printed with my info on it, each card is worth 1 pie. The pies are baked when they call, which has to be 3 days before they want the pie delivered.
I made gift certificates for cleaning. People can purchase these for their friends and families for the holidays.
I am selling all of my stuff that I don't really 'need.' My heart breaks, but it's ok, stuff is stuff and it's replaceable. I really don't want to sell my camera, but I may have to. I don't want to sell my pretty scarves, but I will if I have to!!
I'm working like crazy. As much as I can. My goal is to have 3 people working for my company by February. If I can get 3 people working 20 hrs a week, then I won't be working at all except for the infrastructure side of things. The bigger it grows, the more staff will be needed to support the workers. I think I can handle 3. After 3, I'll need a CPA, someone managing clients, someone creating new advertising and opportunities, probably payroll, etc. At this point, I barely have the scheduling organized and things are disappearing and reappearing in the wrong places.
So that all being said, I feel like there's too much going on and I'm in over my head.
I had planned to go to Klemmer in a few days in San Francisco. It won't happen right now, but it will probably happen in March. I am excited and can't wait to go. I was unable to make the choices necessary to come up with the money as quickly as I needed to in order to make it. As it turns out, a lot of things came together so that it would be better to not go at this time. Here they are:
The conference was scheduled for October 23-27 in San Francisco.
First, a treatment team meeting was scheduled for the 25th at 10 am. They told me I could attend over the phone, but every action is judged, and this one would be held against me.
Second, the only date I could hold my son's birthday party at the location where he really wanted to have it would be the 25th of October.
Third, the money I needed to come up with wasn't coming together very quickly. People are hurting for money right now and thinking about Christmas. Nobody is thinking about how they can help dear ole Jen get to a vacation in San Fran. I've come up with some ideas I was willing to do, and some not so willing to do.
Fourth, the court case is coming up rapidly. My business infrastructure is completely non-existent, and needs to be put together if I'm going to succeed. It's disconcerting just how much a business costs when you're trying to do it right. And with the expense of this ticket, I really put myself in a bind where I'm almost completely under water financially for a few months.
Here are the ideas that I have:
Make pies for holidays. I have a gift card printed with my info on it, each card is worth 1 pie. The pies are baked when they call, which has to be 3 days before they want the pie delivered.
I made gift certificates for cleaning. People can purchase these for their friends and families for the holidays.
I am selling all of my stuff that I don't really 'need.' My heart breaks, but it's ok, stuff is stuff and it's replaceable. I really don't want to sell my camera, but I may have to. I don't want to sell my pretty scarves, but I will if I have to!!
I'm working like crazy. As much as I can. My goal is to have 3 people working for my company by February. If I can get 3 people working 20 hrs a week, then I won't be working at all except for the infrastructure side of things. The bigger it grows, the more staff will be needed to support the workers. I think I can handle 3. After 3, I'll need a CPA, someone managing clients, someone creating new advertising and opportunities, probably payroll, etc. At this point, I barely have the scheduling organized and things are disappearing and reappearing in the wrong places.
So that all being said, I feel like there's too much going on and I'm in over my head.
bread sticks
I learned to make quick & easy breadsticks this weekend
http://www.sixsistersstuff.com/2011/08/homemade-pizza-factory-breadsticks.html
They were really quick and easy, only 30 minutes start to finish. I recommend more cheese than they recommend, naturally, and it's harder to get the shredded cheese to stick, but if you can it's totally worth the crunchiness it provides to the top of the tender yummy breadsticks.
I ate them with Classico Florentine Spinach Cheese (red) sauce. It was delicious and I ate way too many of them. I plan to try them with whole wheat flour, maybe let them rise a little longer.
http://www.sixsistersstuff.com/2011/08/homemade-pizza-factory-breadsticks.html
They were really quick and easy, only 30 minutes start to finish. I recommend more cheese than they recommend, naturally, and it's harder to get the shredded cheese to stick, but if you can it's totally worth the crunchiness it provides to the top of the tender yummy breadsticks.
I ate them with Classico Florentine Spinach Cheese (red) sauce. It was delicious and I ate way too many of them. I plan to try them with whole wheat flour, maybe let them rise a little longer.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Wonderful days
Sometimes it is nice to get out and about and do things that are peaceful. Thursday was that day. I took a leap of faith and went out for a hike with a girl I didn't know, off a couch surfing website. She was in town for a day and wanted nothing more than to get out as her hosts were a bit home-bodied. We went to the Mica mines, but ended up derailed in a wrong turn down to Rough Canyon trail. Man, it was rough! Oh my! My body hurts a LOT today, but it was so very worth the company and the opportunity. We spoke at length about her desire to travel and not finish school because she would be forced into a degree that she wasn't sure she wanted.
Wait, you have a scholarship to a private college in San Diego and your parents are taking care of the remainder of your expenses, and you would prefer to work as a housekeeper in Alaska?
Yes.
Why...?
Well, there's this guy... and it might be good... and I want to see if it could be.
Well, ok, love makes us do really stupid things. All the stupider if it's young love. We each have a path and we walk it from birth until death. Living in fear is just as much a path as living on the edge and every variation inbetween. So one might as well live it to the degree that brings them satisfaction of some kind. Satisfaction, in turn, can look like everything from gluttony to martyrdom, choose carefully.
After the hike, I worked, then went to a training for the Harvest Ministries so that I could take care of the converts at the harvest america event on saturday. That was nice, although a girl came with her fettuccini alfredo and it made me very hungry for it!
I did an estimate that was obviously far above what the potential client could afford, and then called my dad to see if he could help with the tuition for the Klemmer event. I haven't heard back from him yet, so I'll call him tomorrow.
Today was fun! well, ok that's an overstatement. I woke early to go to a potential client's house for the wraps. We chatted for 2 1/2 hours and at the very end she finally signed up as a distributor!!! I am so excited! I am only one small order away from a bonus from my dear cousin/upline. Soon i shall qualify for a promotion which will grant me more income.
I then went and did an estimate, and the woman hired me to clean for her, which is excellent. Then I went to clean another house for a current client.
After that, I picked green beans and okra in the rain with little more than a sweatshirt to shield me, while listening to a book on my ipod. It was a lovely experience! The weather was so cold that a massive bumble bee sat on a leaf as I worked around it. Several ladybugs also hid from the rain on leaves all around me, and I considered how nice it would be to join them for some rest. I heard a strange sound behind me and turned to see a family of quail running through the garden. It was a lovely sight, and they make funny noises.
Wait, you have a scholarship to a private college in San Diego and your parents are taking care of the remainder of your expenses, and you would prefer to work as a housekeeper in Alaska?
Yes.
Why...?
Well, there's this guy... and it might be good... and I want to see if it could be.
Well, ok, love makes us do really stupid things. All the stupider if it's young love. We each have a path and we walk it from birth until death. Living in fear is just as much a path as living on the edge and every variation inbetween. So one might as well live it to the degree that brings them satisfaction of some kind. Satisfaction, in turn, can look like everything from gluttony to martyrdom, choose carefully.
After the hike, I worked, then went to a training for the Harvest Ministries so that I could take care of the converts at the harvest america event on saturday. That was nice, although a girl came with her fettuccini alfredo and it made me very hungry for it!
I did an estimate that was obviously far above what the potential client could afford, and then called my dad to see if he could help with the tuition for the Klemmer event. I haven't heard back from him yet, so I'll call him tomorrow.
Today was fun! well, ok that's an overstatement. I woke early to go to a potential client's house for the wraps. We chatted for 2 1/2 hours and at the very end she finally signed up as a distributor!!! I am so excited! I am only one small order away from a bonus from my dear cousin/upline. Soon i shall qualify for a promotion which will grant me more income.
I then went and did an estimate, and the woman hired me to clean for her, which is excellent. Then I went to clean another house for a current client.
After that, I picked green beans and okra in the rain with little more than a sweatshirt to shield me, while listening to a book on my ipod. It was a lovely experience! The weather was so cold that a massive bumble bee sat on a leaf as I worked around it. Several ladybugs also hid from the rain on leaves all around me, and I considered how nice it would be to join them for some rest. I heard a strange sound behind me and turned to see a family of quail running through the garden. It was a lovely sight, and they make funny noises.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Visit with the kids
Today I had a wonderful visit with my kids. There is very little season left in which to enjoy the park, so we are enjoying the park. I try very hard to get pictures of the kids every time I go, but Abi so rarely holds still that it makes it difficult to get a good photo. Regardless, I snapped several blurry photos of the kids when I had my hands free (Zoe is always holding one of them reluctantly).
I arrived at the park a few minutes early and had a nice short conversation with my sister, in which she made a very feeble attempt to veil the lack of desire to see me, even when I was going to be much closer to her in a month. I asked her to come see me in San Francisco when I go next month, and she said she couldn't because she would be in Montana visiting Race and my stepdad with her boyfriend. I'm glad she is visiting them, but it hurts to know that she hasn't made any effort to see me at all in the past 10 years unless someone else paid for it. Even when she was in Colorado, she didn't come to see me. She went to see my kids, which is nice. She then lied and said she was never here to begin with. It hurts.
Anyway, back to the kids. I watched them pull up, Dave in another car this time. It is good that this car is better than the last one, a 1980's green dented BMW with a pole holding the front drivers seat upright and more food & trash on the floor than metal in the frame. This one is a tan Buick LeSabre, about 20 yrs old, with leather interior and none of the carseats properly fastened to said leather interior. Sebastian easily moved Abi's carseat 12-18 inches away from the back because it was crowding him. I had a mild panic attack. I cannot pretend that I don't harbor ill feelings towards my family at this point, but I won't let that alter my life. Too much.
The kids were excited to see me and jumped out of the car. Sebastian shared some Harry Potter jelly beans with me and they were, indeed, gross. I believe they came out of the car's ashtray to begin with, but the flavors didn't help either. We went to the table and sat, but the kids said they weren't hungry, so we went to play.
Side-note: It is very difficult to go play at a park with your kids for a mere 90 minutes per week whilst under the scrutiny of a biased observer. Do anything that she regretted doing when her kids were little and you'll see it on your report next week. Do anything that she deems anything other than perfect-parent-performance, and it ends up in your report as a weakness to be worked on. It's annoying. It's terrible. No parent should ever experience this without cause or reason. We had an extra observer today, Dorothy Rinderle. Dorothy is CASA and has her own agenda. I've caught her in lies but it doesn't matter. She doesn't care about ethics, she cares about her agenda. She is easily swayed by charm and my brother has a lot of it.
We played on the playground for almost the whole time. It was wonderful! Abi and Zoe wanted to go up the slides, so we played leapfrog. One comes down, I lift the other out of the way onto the top of the slide so she can slide down next. We played together with Sebastian, it was all so wonderful! I love my kids :-)
Zoe thought it would be hilarious to try to run to the road. She also thought it was fun to flip herself to the ground while I was holding her hand. Big smiles! It was lovely! We climbed, played monster, played leapfrog, kissed boo-boos, hugged, and the potty adventure began. Sebastian went his way, and I went with the girls to the ladies. Zoe went first (she's nearly potty trained!) and then Abi, and sebastian waited at the door as soon as he was done.
I arrived at the park a few minutes early and had a nice short conversation with my sister, in which she made a very feeble attempt to veil the lack of desire to see me, even when I was going to be much closer to her in a month. I asked her to come see me in San Francisco when I go next month, and she said she couldn't because she would be in Montana visiting Race and my stepdad with her boyfriend. I'm glad she is visiting them, but it hurts to know that she hasn't made any effort to see me at all in the past 10 years unless someone else paid for it. Even when she was in Colorado, she didn't come to see me. She went to see my kids, which is nice. She then lied and said she was never here to begin with. It hurts.
Anyway, back to the kids. I watched them pull up, Dave in another car this time. It is good that this car is better than the last one, a 1980's green dented BMW with a pole holding the front drivers seat upright and more food & trash on the floor than metal in the frame. This one is a tan Buick LeSabre, about 20 yrs old, with leather interior and none of the carseats properly fastened to said leather interior. Sebastian easily moved Abi's carseat 12-18 inches away from the back because it was crowding him. I had a mild panic attack. I cannot pretend that I don't harbor ill feelings towards my family at this point, but I won't let that alter my life. Too much.
The kids were excited to see me and jumped out of the car. Sebastian shared some Harry Potter jelly beans with me and they were, indeed, gross. I believe they came out of the car's ashtray to begin with, but the flavors didn't help either. We went to the table and sat, but the kids said they weren't hungry, so we went to play.
Side-note: It is very difficult to go play at a park with your kids for a mere 90 minutes per week whilst under the scrutiny of a biased observer. Do anything that she regretted doing when her kids were little and you'll see it on your report next week. Do anything that she deems anything other than perfect-parent-performance, and it ends up in your report as a weakness to be worked on. It's annoying. It's terrible. No parent should ever experience this without cause or reason. We had an extra observer today, Dorothy Rinderle. Dorothy is CASA and has her own agenda. I've caught her in lies but it doesn't matter. She doesn't care about ethics, she cares about her agenda. She is easily swayed by charm and my brother has a lot of it.
We played on the playground for almost the whole time. It was wonderful! Abi and Zoe wanted to go up the slides, so we played leapfrog. One comes down, I lift the other out of the way onto the top of the slide so she can slide down next. We played together with Sebastian, it was all so wonderful! I love my kids :-)
Zoe thought it would be hilarious to try to run to the road. She also thought it was fun to flip herself to the ground while I was holding her hand. Big smiles! It was lovely! We climbed, played monster, played leapfrog, kissed boo-boos, hugged, and the potty adventure began. Sebastian went his way, and I went with the girls to the ladies. Zoe went first (she's nearly potty trained!) and then Abi, and sebastian waited at the door as soon as he was done.
waited with magic fingers and a super-serious face... that's Zoe playing with the fountain in her home-made clothes
Seb loves his sisters, and they adore him!
The left-handed blur is Abi, the right handed blur is Zoe, they love turning on the air-dryer
Abi (left) Zoe (right) always on the move!
Such wonderful children I have!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
After the retreat
The self-fixing retreat was pretty fantastic. I made amazing breakthroughs and was honest with myself. It sounds easy to do, but often being honest with oneself is the hardest thing to do because we can't justify the actions or thoughts that we don't like. If one is committed to be honest all the time, one must alter ethics and views quite a bit to make sure everything lines up so as to prevent future dishonesty.
So the process has begun. I now look for every opportunity to have a win-win situation instead of a winner-loser situation. I now look for why I feel this way or that way while I'm in a conversation or situation. Why do I feel like they're lying? Why do I feel like I know better than everyone? Why am I not paying attention or listening the way I should? This examination process will get quicker I hope! Here goes nothing, I want to be the best parent I can, so I'm trying to figure out ways to make more money. Here's what I have so far:
Make pies
Help clean Christmas decorations (after I get back)
Extra cleaning and extra chores.
Gift Certificate sales
Donations (always welcome)
Need more ideas. I think I'm going to ask the people at bible study and church for help. I am going to ask a client for help with whom I currently have a barter situation set up, but they do the same courses and may have a credit built with them. If all those things go according to plan, I will only need another $1000 for airfare and food. I think I can do this, wish me luck!
So the process has begun. I now look for every opportunity to have a win-win situation instead of a winner-loser situation. I now look for why I feel this way or that way while I'm in a conversation or situation. Why do I feel like they're lying? Why do I feel like I know better than everyone? Why am I not paying attention or listening the way I should? This examination process will get quicker I hope! Here goes nothing, I want to be the best parent I can, so I'm trying to figure out ways to make more money. Here's what I have so far:
Make pies
Help clean Christmas decorations (after I get back)
Extra cleaning and extra chores.
Gift Certificate sales
Donations (always welcome)
Need more ideas. I think I'm going to ask the people at bible study and church for help. I am going to ask a client for help with whom I currently have a barter situation set up, but they do the same courses and may have a credit built with them. If all those things go according to plan, I will only need another $1000 for airfare and food. I think I can do this, wish me luck!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Introduction to self-fixing
This weekend I attended a Personal Mastery course put out by Klemmer & Associates.
Klemmer & Associates is a Christian based organization that teaches self improvement and awareness through being mindful and not hiding behind excuses. No, they're not cults. Well, they're cultish as much as drinking out of glasses instead of your hands is cultish. It's self help. Given that most of our parents did a so-so job AT BEST, self improvement is a pretty good idea to avoid repeating your parents mistakes and adding a few of your own unhealthy doses on top of them. It's fortunately not limited to parenting. Self improvement spans the broad subject of 'self.'
Most self-improvement companies offer the exact same stuff, so pick the one that resonates with you, or in my case, the one that is being offered in your area. Since I don't live in a major hub, the offerings are usually dismal, so I jumped at this opportunity.
Over the weekend, we were challenged to take a look at the messages we were sending ourselves that block our progress. For example, if someone says to you, 'This apple is amazing, and only costs $50.' Now you might say to yourself a couple of things. I don't want an apple could be the first thing. The next thing could be that the price is too high. Those are messages that we send ourselves. If the apple happens to be made of gold, $50 seems reasonable, which would be another message. Messages can be good, bad, ugly or nothing. They can be helpful or hindering, and it's up to you to find your way out of that maze or just take the easy way out. That would be playing the victim violin. If you decide to play victim, everyone can see it but you. You might elicit some sympathy for a while, but eventually people will get sick of it and you'll run out of people you can whine to. Well, I'm there. I've played the victim violin my whole life, and it's tiresome. I knew I wanted change, but didn't know that I could just make a choice to not be a victim anymore. What??? Revolutionary!
More on this later...
Klemmer & Associates is a Christian based organization that teaches self improvement and awareness through being mindful and not hiding behind excuses. No, they're not cults. Well, they're cultish as much as drinking out of glasses instead of your hands is cultish. It's self help. Given that most of our parents did a so-so job AT BEST, self improvement is a pretty good idea to avoid repeating your parents mistakes and adding a few of your own unhealthy doses on top of them. It's fortunately not limited to parenting. Self improvement spans the broad subject of 'self.'
Most self-improvement companies offer the exact same stuff, so pick the one that resonates with you, or in my case, the one that is being offered in your area. Since I don't live in a major hub, the offerings are usually dismal, so I jumped at this opportunity.
Over the weekend, we were challenged to take a look at the messages we were sending ourselves that block our progress. For example, if someone says to you, 'This apple is amazing, and only costs $50.' Now you might say to yourself a couple of things. I don't want an apple could be the first thing. The next thing could be that the price is too high. Those are messages that we send ourselves. If the apple happens to be made of gold, $50 seems reasonable, which would be another message. Messages can be good, bad, ugly or nothing. They can be helpful or hindering, and it's up to you to find your way out of that maze or just take the easy way out. That would be playing the victim violin. If you decide to play victim, everyone can see it but you. You might elicit some sympathy for a while, but eventually people will get sick of it and you'll run out of people you can whine to. Well, I'm there. I've played the victim violin my whole life, and it's tiresome. I knew I wanted change, but didn't know that I could just make a choice to not be a victim anymore. What??? Revolutionary!
More on this later...
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
September 19, 2013
Today was busy. I had my business meeting in the morning where I received accolades for the progress and maturing I've done over the past 6 months. I don't see or feel anything different, but I'm grateful all the same.
After, I cleaned a house while listening to the same book as yesterday on my iPod with the horrifically shattered screen.
It feels so wonderful to clean a house. I get to make a home look its best and leave it in that wonderful condition for its owner to walk into, inhaling the fresh clean smell deeply, to enjoy that clean feeling. Beds made, laundry clean and folded, floors vacuumed, surfaces cleaned, it's all quite wonderful.
After cleaning, I went home to lie on the floor because my rib was out of place. Chiropractors are expensive, you know, and a floor fills the need adequately in a pinch.
I prepared for the visit with the kids and headed to the park. I stopped at the Chinese restaurant and got food for the kids. They LOVE Chinese food. Ok, they LOVE the American version of Chinese food. I blended Zoe's portion with the help of the Asian (not Chinese) lady who stood behind the counter finding an electrical outlet for me and watching curiously. I pointed to my mouth and said, 'My daughter can't chew." She pointed to her mouth, nodding, and said, 'ah yes, not teeth.' I just agreed. It was easier. With my hand-held food processor, I blended sesame chicken and orange chicken and put each into a partitioned dish with rice in the main partition. For Abi, I had sweet & sour chicken and rice, and for Sebastian, I had the rest of the orange and sesame chicken, rice, egg rolls and sesame balls. I figured I would eat the latter two if he didn't want them, but I think he's hooked now! He bit into a sesame ball with apprehension at first. I showed him how I popped the whole ball into my mouth and pressed it flat with my tongue, then crunched the toasted sesame seeds with my teeth. Divine! He bit into half of it with curiosity, slowly enough to let me know he wasn't a fool to eat strange foods, by jove! He then swallowed the half ball, then asked, with a scrunched up face staring into the brown center, if there was chocolate inside. I waved a hand since my mouth was full. When I was finished with mine, I said, 'no, it's bean paste.' He let out a joyous 'MMM!!' and quickly consumed the rest and followed it with another.
The kids played exuberantly on the playground equipment, Zoe conquering whatever she could, Abi getting minor injuries to gain cuddles and carries, Sebastian disappearing to assert his independence and play with other kids his own age at the playground. It was a wonderful time!
The interaction with my brother was brief, as though I was as significant as an insect interrupting his afternoon, nothing more. We have a new case worker, Crystal Stewart, whom I will call tomorrow and set up a meeting. My SPT, Jeri, is clearly not impressed with my brother's lack of stability and obvious disregard for anyone trying to have the children's best interests in mind in the face of his own desires. Whatever Prince David wants, Prince David will charm his way into. At least that's how he views himself.
At this point, I have come to realize that my family, at large (considering and removing the two supporters from this generalization), has supported my abusers with sympathy and accolades for my entire life. I believe that I shall not miss them. I have come up with a contingency plan for myself in the event that my children don't come home. It will be to travel to Europe and learn as much as I can, experience as much as I can, to soften the blow of my heart being shredded by that family. A family is supposed to unconditionally love and support its members, and from within fix the problems. My family is not this way. They backstab at every opportunity, grasping for attention and fame (not big Hollywood fame, just notoriety with the successful family members so they won't be talked about behind their back). Their small minds talk about people whom they don't approve of at every single gathering. Mocking, joking, poking, thinking that it will win favor with their adored sponsors. It's disgusting. Normal healthy families don't do this. Yes, they do exist. I am excited to discover that my close circle of friends has become this for me. They speak on my behalf at every mention of my name. They come to my defense at every opportunity. If they see or suspect a flaw in me, they come and tell me so they can come along side me and help me fix whatever problem I might be suffering. That is love. I love them for it. I am so grateful they've journeyed with me.
After, I cleaned a house while listening to the same book as yesterday on my iPod with the horrifically shattered screen.
It feels so wonderful to clean a house. I get to make a home look its best and leave it in that wonderful condition for its owner to walk into, inhaling the fresh clean smell deeply, to enjoy that clean feeling. Beds made, laundry clean and folded, floors vacuumed, surfaces cleaned, it's all quite wonderful.
After cleaning, I went home to lie on the floor because my rib was out of place. Chiropractors are expensive, you know, and a floor fills the need adequately in a pinch.
I prepared for the visit with the kids and headed to the park. I stopped at the Chinese restaurant and got food for the kids. They LOVE Chinese food. Ok, they LOVE the American version of Chinese food. I blended Zoe's portion with the help of the Asian (not Chinese) lady who stood behind the counter finding an electrical outlet for me and watching curiously. I pointed to my mouth and said, 'My daughter can't chew." She pointed to her mouth, nodding, and said, 'ah yes, not teeth.' I just agreed. It was easier. With my hand-held food processor, I blended sesame chicken and orange chicken and put each into a partitioned dish with rice in the main partition. For Abi, I had sweet & sour chicken and rice, and for Sebastian, I had the rest of the orange and sesame chicken, rice, egg rolls and sesame balls. I figured I would eat the latter two if he didn't want them, but I think he's hooked now! He bit into a sesame ball with apprehension at first. I showed him how I popped the whole ball into my mouth and pressed it flat with my tongue, then crunched the toasted sesame seeds with my teeth. Divine! He bit into half of it with curiosity, slowly enough to let me know he wasn't a fool to eat strange foods, by jove! He then swallowed the half ball, then asked, with a scrunched up face staring into the brown center, if there was chocolate inside. I waved a hand since my mouth was full. When I was finished with mine, I said, 'no, it's bean paste.' He let out a joyous 'MMM!!' and quickly consumed the rest and followed it with another.
The kids played exuberantly on the playground equipment, Zoe conquering whatever she could, Abi getting minor injuries to gain cuddles and carries, Sebastian disappearing to assert his independence and play with other kids his own age at the playground. It was a wonderful time!
The interaction with my brother was brief, as though I was as significant as an insect interrupting his afternoon, nothing more. We have a new case worker, Crystal Stewart, whom I will call tomorrow and set up a meeting. My SPT, Jeri, is clearly not impressed with my brother's lack of stability and obvious disregard for anyone trying to have the children's best interests in mind in the face of his own desires. Whatever Prince David wants, Prince David will charm his way into. At least that's how he views himself.
At this point, I have come to realize that my family, at large (considering and removing the two supporters from this generalization), has supported my abusers with sympathy and accolades for my entire life. I believe that I shall not miss them. I have come up with a contingency plan for myself in the event that my children don't come home. It will be to travel to Europe and learn as much as I can, experience as much as I can, to soften the blow of my heart being shredded by that family. A family is supposed to unconditionally love and support its members, and from within fix the problems. My family is not this way. They backstab at every opportunity, grasping for attention and fame (not big Hollywood fame, just notoriety with the successful family members so they won't be talked about behind their back). Their small minds talk about people whom they don't approve of at every single gathering. Mocking, joking, poking, thinking that it will win favor with their adored sponsors. It's disgusting. Normal healthy families don't do this. Yes, they do exist. I am excited to discover that my close circle of friends has become this for me. They speak on my behalf at every mention of my name. They come to my defense at every opportunity. If they see or suspect a flaw in me, they come and tell me so they can come along side me and help me fix whatever problem I might be suffering. That is love. I love them for it. I am so grateful they've journeyed with me.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Sept 17
This week is starting off fairly well. I have been attending business meetings in order to drum up business for my newest 'hire' lady, a 60-something lady who works her tail off because she didn't plan for retirement (note to self: start saving now). I have 2-3 weekly clients for her at the moment, but that can fluctuate up or down by the week. I believe I will have another for her by next week. The business meetings are nice, just an hour and a half, in a room full of people trying to come up with something catchy enough to win the business of everyone else in the room, and of their friends and co-workers. The goal of the meeting is to get the people in the room to refer you to the people they know who aren't in the room. It hasn't really happened a lot yet, and I'm noticing a lot of holes in the whole theory, but I believe there are holes everywhere. Tomorrow I have another one, and a fourth on Thursday. I have intentionally not gone to several groups for the simple reason that I could drive myself crazy by attending business meetings and wouldn't actually get any work done during the week!
After the business meeting today, I went to clean for a lady who is wonderful to me, and she gave me a bag of home-made kale chips that she said hurt her stomach when she ate them. I cleaned and finished the house in a nice amount of time and had to rush to another house to clean. Instead of rushing, I called the client and told them I was starving and drove through McDonalds (I had a coupon) and grabbed a burger, some fries and a coffee. I arrived at the second place to find that the husband had mistakenly scheduled me to clean while the wife slept (she works nights), and I would just have to clean around her. Ok, simple enough. He headed back to work, I plugged in my iPod and listened to a book (Ghost Stories by Jim Butcher - Ethan is really interested in it so I'm trying to have some common interests with my teenage son who doesn't speak to me... just in case). I cleaned my heart out and actually finished on time. Had she been awake, I would have not finished in time because she wanted me to change the bed. Since she was on it, I was fortunate that I didn't have to stretch the sheets over her unconscious body.
After that client, I was grateful to head home, only discovering that I'd missed a bunch of calls while listening to the book. Oh brother! I returned calls all the way home, finding out I had 20 minutes till bible study. Got home, sat down and finished up the mystery shop from the day before. Sigh - done! And gone again!
Bible study was refreshing, it was nice to get together with them again. We had cake-cream-cones for our snack and talked about the preconceptions in Christianity that we seem to believe can affect our salvation. I believe that as long as you believe, you're set. Others believe that you have to believe this way or that way, and that is the minimum requirement. One said that you have to believe that Jesus is the only way. Another said that you have to follow some verse in Galatians where it says that people who practice certain things won't inherit the kingdom of God. Another said you just have to love your neighbor above all else and then you won't want to do anything evil. He then said that was what I believed. My perspective is that King David was a murderous adulterer and 'had a heart after God's own.' Um.....ok... preconceptions blown!!!
Day finished. I'm exhausted. One more business meeting tomorrow!!!
After the business meeting today, I went to clean for a lady who is wonderful to me, and she gave me a bag of home-made kale chips that she said hurt her stomach when she ate them. I cleaned and finished the house in a nice amount of time and had to rush to another house to clean. Instead of rushing, I called the client and told them I was starving and drove through McDonalds (I had a coupon) and grabbed a burger, some fries and a coffee. I arrived at the second place to find that the husband had mistakenly scheduled me to clean while the wife slept (she works nights), and I would just have to clean around her. Ok, simple enough. He headed back to work, I plugged in my iPod and listened to a book (Ghost Stories by Jim Butcher - Ethan is really interested in it so I'm trying to have some common interests with my teenage son who doesn't speak to me... just in case). I cleaned my heart out and actually finished on time. Had she been awake, I would have not finished in time because she wanted me to change the bed. Since she was on it, I was fortunate that I didn't have to stretch the sheets over her unconscious body.
After that client, I was grateful to head home, only discovering that I'd missed a bunch of calls while listening to the book. Oh brother! I returned calls all the way home, finding out I had 20 minutes till bible study. Got home, sat down and finished up the mystery shop from the day before. Sigh - done! And gone again!
Bible study was refreshing, it was nice to get together with them again. We had cake-cream-cones for our snack and talked about the preconceptions in Christianity that we seem to believe can affect our salvation. I believe that as long as you believe, you're set. Others believe that you have to believe this way or that way, and that is the minimum requirement. One said that you have to believe that Jesus is the only way. Another said that you have to follow some verse in Galatians where it says that people who practice certain things won't inherit the kingdom of God. Another said you just have to love your neighbor above all else and then you won't want to do anything evil. He then said that was what I believed. My perspective is that King David was a murderous adulterer and 'had a heart after God's own.' Um.....ok... preconceptions blown!!!
Day finished. I'm exhausted. One more business meeting tomorrow!!!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Today
Today was fantastic. I am learning to find the joy and pleasure in everything. Even the hardship.
This morning started out nicely, a bit slowly. I was able to actually read my emails and just wake up slowly. I then got myself dressed for cleaning, and went to talk with some personal trainers about wraps. The one in charge asked if I would give samples, and I agreed, thinking it's a small loss if they don't want them, but an enormous win if they do, and it is worth the 'risk.'
After that, I went to clean a house. It looked rather messy today and I'm glad that they are blessed by being able to spend the weekend in a nice clean house.
When I left the house, I went and got bangs cut by my wonderful stylist. She is really good at what she does, and they are a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Zooey Deschanel. They are a bit heavy but can be wispy if I style them right. I think it's a good style move! Pictures to follow when there is daylight!
Following this, I went home and got changed into pretty clothes and went to dinner with a well-traveled gentleman from my business network group, and we just got along famously. I thought of people I could introduce him to, in order to help his business and life grow and progress. I think it will be a lovely business relationship.
Following this, I met a girlfriend at a coffee shop where I met two ladies who were wonderful, we're already facebook friends, but I'd never met them! Such fun ladies, I can't wait to get to know them better. The girlfriend and I went to have a beer after this and we had a wonderful conversation. The point of the trials we endure is to be refined by fire. The part I seem to miss is the fire part. It hurts, it burns, it's fire for pete's sake! Why do we forget that? In the end, we will be more pure than we were to start. We have to let go of the toxic dross and junk in our lives so it can burn off, or the fire will have to get hotter so the crap can burn away. It burns! But it won't forever, as long as we let it go. I am so blessed even though my life in general kind-a sucks!
Can't wait for knitting tomorrow!
This morning started out nicely, a bit slowly. I was able to actually read my emails and just wake up slowly. I then got myself dressed for cleaning, and went to talk with some personal trainers about wraps. The one in charge asked if I would give samples, and I agreed, thinking it's a small loss if they don't want them, but an enormous win if they do, and it is worth the 'risk.'
After that, I went to clean a house. It looked rather messy today and I'm glad that they are blessed by being able to spend the weekend in a nice clean house.
When I left the house, I went and got bangs cut by my wonderful stylist. She is really good at what she does, and they are a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Zooey Deschanel. They are a bit heavy but can be wispy if I style them right. I think it's a good style move! Pictures to follow when there is daylight!
Following this, I went home and got changed into pretty clothes and went to dinner with a well-traveled gentleman from my business network group, and we just got along famously. I thought of people I could introduce him to, in order to help his business and life grow and progress. I think it will be a lovely business relationship.
Following this, I met a girlfriend at a coffee shop where I met two ladies who were wonderful, we're already facebook friends, but I'd never met them! Such fun ladies, I can't wait to get to know them better. The girlfriend and I went to have a beer after this and we had a wonderful conversation. The point of the trials we endure is to be refined by fire. The part I seem to miss is the fire part. It hurts, it burns, it's fire for pete's sake! Why do we forget that? In the end, we will be more pure than we were to start. We have to let go of the toxic dross and junk in our lives so it can burn off, or the fire will have to get hotter so the crap can burn away. It burns! But it won't forever, as long as we let it go. I am so blessed even though my life in general kind-a sucks!
Can't wait for knitting tomorrow!
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