I have been in therapy since July. I love it - i think everyone should have a therapist! Someone to talk to when you can't talk to anyone else, and they give you educated advice, not a guess or what worked for them, but something studied and thought out.
Moving on...Therapy is going nicely. I'm starting EMDR (Eye Motion something or other...) where I go through a specific traumatic event and deal with it in such a way that it removes the negative emotional trigger that causes me to freeze up, break down, or just stunts my development. I love it! The treatment is generally successful with PTSD and other forms of trauma (including Borderline personality disorder) within up to 16 treatments. YAY!!! During this treatment, I have come to the conclusion that I don't need to date or have sex with men who pay attention to me! Omigosh, do you know how revolutionary this is? I mean, look at the kinds of guys I've dated in the past. I always thought that I would feel loved if I slept with them because they paid attention to me. I felt like if I didn't have attention & love, I would no longer exist. Being single was too scary to contemplate. Now I don't feel that way. I can be alone and be ok with it. Plus I don't feel like I could maintain my autonomy if I was with someone now. I am learning, growing and healing as a person, and learning to recognize the danger in certain people. I am also learning where my boundaries are: what can i handle, what can I just absolutely not stand or tolerate? It's a painful process of fracturing and regrowth, because, as I grow, I am shedding people i thought were friends. I am also growing relationships with people in a more intimate way - friendships are getting closer and deeper too.
I feel more like a whole human being, instead of a two-dimensional damaged being. This experience as a whole has been horrifying and wonderful. The treatment we needed so desperately is now within reach. I think we can finally break the cycle.
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